This post is on the Other BDSM web board.
| 25 Sep 11, 12:09 PM Made_in_Italy UK, 2 yrs   |
you may feel taken advantage of if you are in a relatioship or playing with someone you don't TRUST! the latter is the most important thing you may need to seek. Letting yourself go takes so much courage and trust and, for some, cannot be done easily. I have met submissive men and women who do not throw away their submission to the first dominant who walk by but, instead, choose carefully the recipient of their trust and love until finally giving them the biggest gift, their submission. sadly there are few people who are occasionally taken advantage of, as anywhere in life. however, if you use your common sense and take time to know others then you will see there is much more goodness out there that you think. also, as it has been commented in previous posting, you must start loving yourself before anyone can love you. simple but true. i don't know you and I might be wrong but it seems to me you may have a big chip in your shoulder due to past events who had nothing to do bdsm. if that is true, you may want to start getting rid of it before it taints all the aspects of your life. i wish you good luck with it! | |
| 25 Sep 11, 12:12 PM skingaz UK(DN), 2 yrs  |
Oh, I'm lost alright. In fact, my first question is who and what am I? | |
| 25 Sep 11, 12:20 PM BigOldHector UK(DE), 10 yrs |
What does an acceptable standard or otherwise of behaviour in the conduct of relationships with others have to do with anyone's kink? That is what the OP is talking about. YKIOK is far too often used (or at least attemptedly) to gag any discussion of uncomfortable truths. YK is "Y" fetish - whether "Y" are dom or sub, whether "Y" like whips, crossdressing, scat, splosh, rubber or whatever else. Behaving badly in how you go about your kink interactions with others has nothing to do with kink itself, and simply being kinky does not place anyone above criticism. That is not what YKIOK is meant to be about.
I AM THE GOD OF HELL-FIRE!.....but its my lunch break right now | |
| 25 Sep 11, 12:48 PM mia  UK(M), 4 yrs       |
Perhaps acceptance that for some people it's good could help? And the fact it is consensual and pleasurable to those taking part? It's difficult to say that doms are selfish and subs are taken advantage of, cos it's not pretty - but there is actually a lot of truth in it. You get loads of people saying 'This isn't a dom, this is a xyz', or 'this isn't submission, it's being a doormat', but the truth of it is that one party gives more and one party takes more. The truth is also though that for the majority of people, for the majority of the time, in a consensual and aware relationship, both parties are fulfilled by this. Reading all the 'excusers' often, in my opinion, paints a different picture to the reality of the situation for D/s interactions. Yes, both parties should and do get something out of the situation, but to pretend that the D is always give give give isn't the case - i say this from my own and seeing others experience. In black and white, yeah, it's ridiculous and also quite dangerous - but when i don't look at it or try to understand it too much, it's just as ridiculous as equal relationships and the compromises each partner makes to make the other happy.
Either way, you can choose to fight your feelings, or fuck it and go with them, only you (and maybe not even you) know what will make you happiest. Good luck with it all anyway x Quick Lynn, run, they're sex people | |
| 25 Sep 11, 1:06 PM skyfox UK(EH), 5 yrs  |
First of all, congratulations on recognising the fact that you are confused and that your gut reactions of disgust and guilt are not a reason to be a bastard to people. That takes a certain amount of self-awareness that a lot of people don't have. You have correctly identified yourself as the problem of your sorrows, not the actions of people who don't directly impact you. So, good for you for not blaming others. Now let's take that to the next step. This doesn't have to be done publicly, although writing your thoughts down may help sort out some of the thought processes. What do you find hot? What is your earliest memory of knowing that you find it hot? What do think about Doms/subs (as you express in the OP)? What specifically bothers you? What is your evidence for that thought? What evidence contradicts your thought? What is the link between your own kink and your disgust at others' kinks? I'm no psychologist, and I don't know you, so perhaps someone better qualified than myself can ask questions that will nudge you to finding out more about yourself in this context, but without asking these questions and finding the answers of what you truly think and feel, the confusion will continue. So you're obviously moving in the right direction, and seem willing enough to admit your own failings and when you're wrong, so just continue with different questions and explorations. If something provokes a reaction, stop and think about why. Compare the provocation to your own life and experience and see what is similar and different. Consider your reaction and where that fits into your past experiences and relationships. Eventually you will come to some sort of conclusion that results in balance and tolerance of others. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. | |
| 25 Sep 11, 1:13 PM ToakReon UK(RH), 12 yrs |
Some doms are, for sure - but other, most definitely, are not. I think you are in danger of tarring a lot of people with one brush. *UPDATE* Model(s) for "how to" bondage photographs (and other bondage photographs) have now been found. Thank you to all who showed interest. | |
| 25 Sep 11, 1:14 PM MisstressvsSolicedog UK(NN), 17 mths |
You could try a reverse psyc to it all,, try Domm for a while treating the sub to your fantasys as a sub ( obviously all with consent ) but strangley you may well find some answers your looking for ! Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish | |
| 25 Sep 11, 1:21 PM B1ueHeart 10 mths |
Perhaps there are two questions here? When feeling kinky, turned on or whatever, the the thought of submission is attractive and fulfilling. However, sometimes in the cold light of day, when life is just life and bills have to be paid and the house needs cleaned, the thought of submission is much less attractive and indeed, can even be a turn off and who knows, even an annoying thought at times. It's reconciling those two sides of yourself (I am not submissive in everyday life, nor could I afford to be) that seem to be at opposite ends of the scale which might give you a better balance on the situation and how you cope with it. Then there's finding the right person. Now that takes some doing! Do you know what it is you want from this? Do you know what it is that you don't want? In many cases, it a case of experimenting, which can often leave you unfulfilled, until you find what it is you're looking for. It can be therefore easy to think of most Doms as selfish, as they got what they wanted, but you didn't. Through all of this, I feel I have gained the most insight, not from playing, but from talking with others. But I would say that if you ask as many questions as you answer, you'll may find insight in the answers other people give. At the end of it all, this is meant to be FUN. Good luck! | |
| 25 Sep 11, 4:52 PM You_May_Kiss_My_Ring UK(PA), 11 mths |
There's a sad fact that, in real life some relationships will be abusive, and some people will be exploited by unscrupulous "lovers", especially when mental health or learning difficulties are involved. It's a sad fact that BDSM, and D/s and M/s relationships are not immune from this, any more than they are immune from any other issue in the real world. Unfortunately, in D/s and M/s relationships, this abusiveness and exploitation can reach far greater heights because of the assumed roles. Some submissives will, unfortunately, suffer as a result and fool themselves into thinking that they consented for it, just as some spouses will blame themselves for their partner's beating them up for dinner being late or needing more salt. This doesn't, however, mean that all such relationships are abusive, and they can be greatly fulfilling, when both sides are getting what they want and need. Of the relationships being discussed, it's possible some of them are abusive, but, it's at least as likely, if not more, that the majority of them fit the positive model, with the apparently selfish Dom/me playing the role s/he has adopted for the sake of the sub.
This, is good advice. I've actually been told that some of the best Dom/mes out there are operating from the point of view of a sub, playing the Dominant role in their fantasies. It was similar advice that led to my realising that I wasn't a sub, despite my fantasies being viewed through the eyes of the submissive, but that I was fantasising the mind-set of the "perfect sub" for my kinks. It was confusing, and it still is in many ways, 18 months on. Good luck finding where you actually fit. "That hat makes you look like you own slaves! ... only you would go to a Goth club wearing a beige hat, and dressed in purple!" | |
| 25 Sep 11, 5:27 PM Ropework UK(OX), 3 yrs |
Bohnanza, I don't think that's very helpful. Saying to a dyslexic person "if you cannot stick to the rules of grammar and spelling, we don't want you here to discuss literature" would be similarly insensitive. Obviously the OP is confused about contradictions between her own sexual desires, different emotions, and notions of self-worth etc. OP, I recommend reading up on sex-positive feminism and what it has to say about BDSM and sexual games with trust and power. Maybe you've also been focusing a bit much on dominants who enjoy a style of play or fantasy that just grates against what you would be comfortable with. There *are* dominants who would certainly be compatible with your idea of having consensual fun together! |
