Posted by inappropriate
on Sun 25 Sep 11, 3:06 AM to inappropriate's blog.
Tonight I'm feeling introspective, so if you're hoping for something with a bit of kink, jog on.
In pretty much most areas of my life, I aim to do the minimum amount possible to get the results I want. That's not to say I'm unambitious; if I want to achieve impressive things, I'll do that: just in the easiest way possible.
This kind of approach serves me fairly well in vanilla world; I understand that at work it isn't always sensible to do things perfectly, when you could do two pieces of acceptable work in the time it might take to do one really well. This approach saves me money, time and effort; my home doesn't need to be perfect, but functional; I multi-task obsessively; I often leave things until the last minute and do an OK, but not an amazing, job.
However, applying this approach to casual kink doesn't work quite so well for me. To clarify, I push for edgy play without the emotional security of a relationship – I'm too impatient to wait for those bonds to develop naturally. I want things to be difficult for me in play; I expect things that I don't like to be done to me, because else it wouldn't feel real. I wouldn't feel submissive.
And maybe that's the thing; maybe I shouldn't be aiming to feel submissive outside a relationship. For such a long time, I maintained that I would only bottom casually, and perhaps I should revert to that. However, it doesn't feel like enough: I'm so much more content when I feel submissive to someone. It's just a shame that casually playing with people I don't have a strong emotional connection with feels like a hollow form of submission; the Big Mac of the D/s world, when I really want a fillet steak.
This isn't to imply that I'm ungrateful to those I've played with, or that they've done anything wrong. I would recommend them all as bloody awesome/sadistic bastards and I've been incredibly fortunate to have experienced a wide range of outstanding play from them over the past six months that I've been single. On the other hand, I've also had a rollercoaster of post play experiences alone. Since playing a couple of days ago, I've had: HIGH-drop-exercise-high-drop-lots of food-middle-drop(writing this blog; tomorrow I plan to exercise a lot!).
I'm just not sure how functional it is for me to keep on trying to get the intensity I crave from outside of a relationship when it leaves me on a bit of an emotional wobble for days afterwards... I wish that I was more patient, that I could wait, using the material carefully archived in the wank bank in order to sustain me, until someone I *really* wanted to submit to came along...
Or failing that, today has been one of the rare days that I wished I was vanilla.
[/musing]
| 25 Sep 11, 3:24 AM Dark_Cherry UK(B), 2 yrs      |
I could always pop by and kick you in the cunt if that would help, darlin? *hugs* Using milkshake to bring all the boys to my yard since 1972 |
| 25 Sep 11, 9:54 AM carenza_lionheart UK(NN), 24 mths  |
@inappropriate You express brilliantly what I feel. And I suspect that a lot of us do. xxx The one who claims to be innocent Edited 25 Sep 11, 12:48 PM by carenza_lionheart |
| 25 Sep 11, 12:19 PM Felix_culpa UK, 2 yrs |
Being picky in a world of limited options ain't no bad thing. It just means you have to wait, or look harder. I'm not sure one can do both. It's that, or writing blogs about how close the last one came but something didn't work, I guess. Naaaah.
Anyway. Vanilla wouldn't suit you, and you know it.. J xxx Pillowtalk: 'Um...can you hit me in the face, please? Only I really miss it.' |
