Meeting the conventional way. (36)

There's the truth. The fact is, if it's a relationship you're looking for, you have to look for that first, and hope you can evolve your kinkiness together. Someone out there may prove to be an exception, but in my experience you CANNOT start with matching your kinkiness, and then hope to develop a relationship on top of it. If you do, you've just been very lucky.

The trouble with kinky sex is that it's still sex and, as any of us who've allowed our hearts (?) to rule our heads know, powerful attraction to someone can blind us to the fact that they're a nutter. About a year ago, I believed myself to have fallen in love with the sub of my dreams (not met here), and came to perceive her as perfect in every way.

This blinded me to the fact (which I'd always been kind of aware of, having known her for a while beforehand) that she was actually quite insane. When the relationship ended, I was very upset – but now realise I had a lucky escape.

Trouble with meeting people online is that it's mostly the sex you get to talk about, even if you dress it up in more lofty-sounding concepts such as “Power Exchange” etc. and you can get really carried away with the messages, then the MSN chat, then the phone calls. When you eventually meet, you're both so full of adrenaline that you're loath to listen to your little voice which is telling you he/she's wrong for you, so you have kinky sex once/for a while – then reality reasserts itself and you have to deal with the come-down again.

Although I've resolved now to get involved with munches, events etc in the hope that I'll meet someone that way, I do still just about believe it's possible online – but you need to talk mostly about things other than BDSM. See if you like each other as people first!

It's how I started — not really looking for submissive partners as such because, when I started, there was nowhere to look, but just getting on with life and getting lucky basically. I actually met one under a tree, sheltering from a sudden, torrential rain-storm. We were together for years.

How did we recognise each other for what we are? I honestly have no idea — not in the sense of a tick-box list of things to look for. Somehow you just know. Or at least you think you know well enough to turn the conversation in search of some more tangible confirmation.

It might be a look, an involuntary gesture, or perhaps something in their voice that tips you off in the first instance. More often though, I have found it to be the silences between you that are most telling. Certainly that's when I know whether or not the other is submissive — even if they do not yet know it themselves.

Whether or not that works the other way around however, I cannot say. Although I remember once asking a (by then) slave how she recognised me for what I am and, according to her, it was (quote) "fucking obvious! You couldn't be more obvious if you had a sign flashing on your forehead".

I just don't see it myself. I couldn't see it then and I still don't get it now. In fact I told her as much and she said: "That's because you are you and not a submissive female".

So maybe that's it — some kind of subconscious magnetic pull of opposites attracting. Who knows? Either way, the answer to the question "is it possible?" is YES!

You cannot run away from what is inside you — African proverb

I totally understand how frustrating it must be, as it's much harder for you, both in terms of numbers and dynamic.

To ask a man you might meet in a bar to be dominant with you, means that you have to take precisely the kind of control you most probably want taken from you, and gets you off (or rather doesn't) on the wrong foot from the start.

Secondly, even if he goes along with it, it's most likley to be reluctantly, or even worse, just as you're starting to get into it, he'll probably be polite and stop and ask if you're ok, completely killing the moment.

At least these are the most common complaints I hear from submissive women in the usual dating environment.

Being dominant is much easier, as all it really requires is an ability to see how someone responds to things like physical contact or subtly taking the lead or assuming control. If it's done carefully it's easy enough to move forward or back off from without it being noticed.

I'm not sure that there's an easy way to surreptitiously indicate submissiveness without coming across as easy or a becoming a target for someone after a quick shag.

I guess the only thing I could suggest is steering a conversation towards relationships and preferences and using words like "traditional", "assertive" etc, which most dominant men would pick up on.

If the conversation developed along suitable lines, you could also say that you'd been tied up before and liked it, which puts your preferences on the table without directly asking for them, and leaving him to take control from there.

If all else fails and he simply asks for a blow job, you could always say that you'd love to but have never been able to manage one without first being spanked sufficiently whilst gagged to loosen up your facial muscles

Edited 22 Sep 11, 2:52 PM by Abraxus

Anyone I chat up there, I tell straight away. Often they dont believe about the dungeon, so they ask around. Regulars there just say yes! New people get dragged over to us to be introduced to the pubs 'kinky couple'. So far only one person has reacted badly. The rest ask the usual questions. For us it's a win, win situation.

Owner of The Croppery Dungeon and Breakfast. Organises The St Leonards munch.