Dominant Responsibilities (96)

This made me stop and think stop and think about what this really means. I suppose, I always bridle about that concept for several reasons.

Firstly, I think if you are in a relationship and in my case that is full-time D/s, living together and sharing our lives completely, then it matters not whether it is a D/s or vanilla relationship, the responsibilities you have to one another are essentially the same. You don't harm each other or do things which are unnacceptable to each other.

The idea of a 'rule' about us having responsibilities as dominants always makes me feel like a child being told the 'bleeding obvious', as though we have no intelligence or common sense to be able to apply those basic universal concepts to our bdsm relationships.

I also get irritated by the idea that what some feel is a 'responsibility', to me is just my normal behaviour. I am caring and sensible and so I can't really behave otherwise.

I know some would point to the risky stuff we engage in as being the reason why these 'responsibilities' are so important but to my mind that is still covered by using normal levels of care and common sense as in any activity. If you do not have a necessary degree of understanding as to what is right and wrong, then you should not be doing the risky thing and anyone who is doing it with you should stop it and get away from you.

This also leads to issues of the level of personal responsibility each of us have to take, subs and Dom/mes, as none of us should blindly and without due care, get into anything potentially risky without being aware of those risks.

Lastly, I do feel this concept of the almost special responsibilities that Dom/mes are supposed to shoulder makes me think about my own sub and past subs. They have never spoke of these responsibilities or made me feel as though I had any duty to 'protect' them. Protect them from what? Intelligent, strong, emotionally healthy men need no protection from anything that I would not generally in the course of a loving relationship provide. They don't need protection from me that is for sure and surely no one means that.

So, maybe others can enlighten me as to what we are dominants, as just normal human beings with our own flaws and weaknesses, are actually responsible for in our BDSM relationships?

A Fine Norfolk Domme. Mistress of @paulss My PD blog at http://mistress-keene.blogspot.com/

My personal belief is that all parties are equally responsible for each other and being sub with me means you will get the same responsibilty everyone else gets no more no less and if you can't deal properly with your own emotions then your not right for me. I don't expect anyone to be responible for mine.

I guess thats why I find the whole 'sub-drop' issues touchy, I feel thats been made very one sided and a lot of the time people overlook the fact that tops drop just as much.

With my partner whome I live with we have made ourselves responsible for the jobs we do better in the home and other than that we trust each other not to hurt each other emotionally and that I will only hurt him physically in ways that are acceptable.

For me responsibility has to be equal and we all have to be responsible for our own feelings and mindful of other peoples

Hmm sure this post is too rambly

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I've always told people that they are responsible for themselves. If you are an adult, I expect you to be responsible for yourself. This doesn't exclude me being "in charge" for play or any other power exchange situation, bt it does mean that any sub/slave is expected to think for themselves and act accordingly. I'm a dominant, not a childminder!

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I've seen that too and have wondered what these extra Dominant responsibilities are, beyond, as you say the normal responsibilities and duties of care in any loving relationship, or situation, albeit this time with the added emphasis of BDSM.

As an adult, I can understand the extra responsibility I may have generally for a child, but not that for another consenting, capable adult, in an adult to adult relationship.

Put me on a pedestal, but be there to catch me if I fall.

My thoughts went in two directions. Firstly is this about reassuring the submissive that we ARE safe? This has value in itself in that one could argue that whilst they are of course responsible for themselves, one only has to look at a lot of visual representations of D/s and one sees a smaller person protected/held by someone bigger or stronger. Surely if we are opting into that as a Dom/me that comes with extra responsibilities for our behaviour towards that person. Power is easily abused! It might be obvious to us, but perhaps it needs to be explicitly stated that we understand that. If someone is prepared to sign over certain rights to themselves, does this give us extra responsibilities? To me yes it does...

Or does it add something else? Let me explain. About 2 years ago I was in a relationship where the Lady concerned wanted and loved the idea of the written rules... here was a woman prepared to sign to some rules that we wrote together. The idea occurred to me as to how would it feel for her if I committed to my responsibilities as I saw them to her? I suggested that I would like to write down what I saw as my responsibilities and commitments to her. Her face just lit up... I think she saw it as a balancing of the commitments. It did nothing to lessen the D/s side indeed I would argue that it actually deepened it.

My point is that it may not be about the common sense stuff but rather the deeper responsibilities and commitments to growth, support and things of that ilk.

Just thoughts...

Let's all play nicely people.. Just remember.. This is meant to be fun!
"The art of being a gentleman is knowing when not to be..."

PS: Also as the "Hunters" (and I know I am generalising) it is us who set the atmosphere for events and the like. We DO (I think) have a responsibility for how we behave towards others so that people feel safe in those environments.

Let's all play nicely people.. Just remember.. This is meant to be fun!
"The art of being a gentleman is knowing when not to be..."

Edited 9 Sep 11, 1:05 PM by TheSilverFox

We are all (hopefully) grown adults, and therefore should be quite capable of shouldering our own responsibilities. This brings me to one of my big gripes about life these days - BDSM or vanilla - Too many people are only too aware of their rights, yet pay no heed to their responsibilities.

McGrathWhat Sort of Man ... A Man who displays sensitivity will be a Master who is sensitive to you A Man who displays humility will be a Master who will show you respect A Man who is not afraid to cry will be a Master who understands your tears A Man who is quiet will be a Master who will hear your quietest

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I think, though, that sometimes we tend to forget there are the people who don't take it so seriously. The people over the internet - the young "Dommes" who cam (and make demands) for cash, the guys who are just doing it for a laugh. There are a lot of people who only know the stereotypical and superficial layer and no other side to it.

It's not a bad thing that these conversations come up, I think. But, it's worth remembering that a large proportion of people just want the random play in the clubs and not all the D/s baggage that a lot of us just presume goes along with it. There are a lot of people who just don't care about the responsibilities. It might be a sign to someone in advance as to how a relationship will go....

@Play_Space - Next party is Friday, September 23 from 930 - 3 am. Info found here: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/301137/0/... Road Trip to the Sea!!! Next tentatively planned in October.....Just elapsed...More info here:http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/305429/0/...

Yes, but there are Doms who are less caring than you. There are Doms who will meet out punishment or, in my case, tie the knots, without too much concern for the well being of the sub.

There are also Doms who don't take the trouble to learn or consider the dangers of some of the things they do or are asked to do by the sub. And yes, of course the sub has a responsibility to, but in most cases it is the Dom who takes charge and does the hitting or tying!

Carol Dee rope enthusiast Forum Bondage