Equality (17)

The idea and concept of it is incredibly sexy to me. It feeds perfectly into all my fantasies of feeling 'less'.

The lived reality of it feels more complicated. Sometimes when I'm reminded of my place I feel that delicious blush and I know in that moment why I want to live this way. At other times I feel like I could quite literally punch her and then explode with rage and I curse myself for being stupid enough to end up in this kind of situation!

Most of the time I am only aware of our inequality in the sense of background music that you don't notice after a while. I don't necessarily feel it while I'm peeling spuds and wishing the kids wouldn't sing the same song a hundred times over. But then there are all the little moments throughout the day when I have to remember it - as if the volume is suddenly turned up.

I was going to say that the inequality doesn't run through everything, but then realised that I think it does, but to a different extent with different things. When it comes to household chores the expectations are clearly unbalanced and I feel my lower status strongly. On the other extreme when it comes to parenting, the thread of inequality is minor or absent. Sometimes my parenting decisions in the moment are affected by the fact that I want my Dominant to be happy, but this can be overridden by my maternal instincts to do what I feel is right.

I think that because of the way we like to interact, Hartless and I could sometimes appear quite 'vanilla'. It only tends to become obvious if I am being told what to do, or if I get myself in trouble!

"Don't Dream It, Be It" - The Rocky Horror Show 1973

I think as well it'd be something that'd affect free time-I'd be free to do what I felt like doing but would might have tasks would take up her-whoever she might be-time, or would expect to be asked for permission if there wasn't anything specific I wanted.

Sadder still to watch it die than never to have have known it.

SinPar

-- The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone's concern, and like vampires they suck our life's blood. (Bette Davis)

But it is asymmetric, in that (to plagiarise a great expression used on another blog), we have simply agreed upfront that the rulebook to our relationship is D/s, and that gives him certain privileges and rights, but also certain duties and responsibilities which restrain the way he exercises his privileges and rights - for me a key is that I have to trust in him that ultimately, he has my best interests at heart. I also have certain privileges and rights - just not identical to his - and certain duties and responsibilities.

And of course a key part of the D/s rulebook is that, ultimately, his decision is the one that will apply. But this is not a "he can do whatever he hell he wants however he wants", because he also listens to me and to my feelings, and has to decide how enforcing his will/desire will affect me and will affect our dynamic and relationship and the trust between us. So, for example, if he knows something is a hard limit, and he knows why it is a hard limit, but just for the hell of it, he forces me to breach that limit, he might have his moment of fun and pleasure doing that (or getting me to do that), but he will also suffer the consequence in that my trust in him will be severely (perhaps even fatally) affected, and therein lies part of his responsibility of thinking about the consequences of his actions. And if what he asks is truly unsurmountable to me, it may be that my only option is to say no, even knowing that the consequences of my action may be to severaly damage or end our relationship.

So for me, equal in value, but asymmetric and unequal (in the sense of differentiated) in terms of roles and power.

There's a somebody I'm longing to see, I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood, I know I could always be good, to one who'll watch over me (Ella Fitzgerald)

Edited 9 Sep 11, 6:39 AM by Shypeachybottom

But she is treasured and adored ( and respected - she is the bear of bigger brain) and she works hard all the time to anticipate my needs and meet them.

I accept she dedicates herself to my happiness and I make that possible by giving her the control she craves, allowing her to be useful and taking responsibility for her happiness.

When it feels at it's best I believe I am focussing on her and not needing to care about me, for she is doing that. And, of course, the reverse will be true.

So. It feels equal and opposite. I certainly never feel in the least superior.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

He can eat as much chocolate as He wants. I can't.

He can go anywhere in the house. I can't.

His opinions on my crazy ass career ideas really matter to me. I don't even really get an opinion on what He does/what I think doesn't really matter (this doesn't bother me since I just want Him to be happy)

He can wear what He wants, when He wants. I can't.

He doesn't have to shave every other day. I do.

Its in a million little tiny ways, that add up to a big difference. Having said that, He is very kind and giving. The difference is in the power, in the control.

I do want someone who is better than I am such as better educated, earns more, higher assets or better looking or better in terms of talents. Not always that easy to find.

It is absolutely vital that power and value are seen as the completely different things they are.

Equality in value to the relationship means an acceptance of the important role both people play. You cannot have a relationship with only one person, so being in that relationship with the dominant makes the sub equally valuable.

I would say that being equally valuable to the relationship is a kind of objective thing. Whether the dominant views the sub as equally valuable to them, as the sub would the Dom/me, basically comes down to degrees of love and liking. Are they both equally into each other. I am not sure you can either tell for sure or believe that subjective evaluation can be measured. How do you know who loves the most, needs the most, would feel the most desolate if it all went awry? That is often unknowable and for that reason not worth worrying about.

Power on the other hand can be unequally or asymmetrically distributed but that extent to which the power gravitated would obviously depend on various factors.

A Fine Norfolk Domme. Mistress of @paulss My PD blog at http://mistress-keene.blogspot.com/

(Freudian slip of mine above though.. I am of equal value to me was not quite what I meant to say).

Or a need for order. Your perceived inequality isn't necessarily an inequality.

I hope that I can influence positively but I fight and fight sometimes in not proffering an opinion, lest it appears that I am doing so as an affectation. I'm not though, I'm doing it through a very learned wisdom and an innate wish to see something well.

Notwithstanding a static that should underly our life, there are occasions that I do want to turn up the volume specifically so that my presence is obvious and therefore thrown open to challenge (who can guess my star sign) but that's not disingenuous bluster, it's a confirmation of order that I'll act upon when I see it's needed, so yes I relish dishing it out and could never be in any of the relationships you mentioned, were that not truly yearned.

Mia, that pasta is boiling over.