Need some fresh insight and responsible advice. (19)

I have been mainly seeking a suitable Dom to explore with through online bdsm dating sites as I am not much of a scene person preferring to keep my kinky side private and on a 1-2-1 basis although I do go to the occasional local munch. But I have found it quite difficult to find someone that is able to hold my attention enough to want to meet them and possibly move forward with. I am told that I am seeking perfection which I don't think is totally accurate as I am quite a rational and realistic person mostly but the more I learn about myself the more I realise that I need to be messed with mentally or I switch off.

I have engaged with a Dom recently online who appeared very suitable in many ways and also managed to stir me up into quite a frenzy with images and tasks. We discussed meeting for a drink but hadn't found a suitable time for us both due to holidays and such. He hasn't been very consistent with contact at times (not always) and that has made me feel unsure and a little insecure which I have been honest about to a degree but very guardedly as I haven't felt safe enough yet to tell him of quite the effect he has had on me. However I have shared with a Domme friend who instanty took a dislike to him despite never actually chatting to him and said that he was just playing me. She then took it upon herself to write to him and of course it wasn't received well . As a result all contact has ceased with this Dom although he did write and explain why. He explained that he has been there before and when well meaning friends get involved it becomes complicated and doesn't end well. I agree and I think my friend will think twice about being so impulsive again and I will certainly ensure that it wont happen again. Lessons learnt all round.

However due to my mind being massaged and played with I was left with a lot of sexual tension and no focus or direction. This drove me to be quite irrational and as a result I acted impulsively and met with a Dom who I didn't take the time to get to know and my tension has been relieved.

I was lucky in that he turned out to be a responsible and decent Dom but it scares me to think that it could have been so different now that my sanity has been restored. I have never acted this way before and it was just a case of hard dirty sex as we are not compatible for any more and I don't wish to go any further with him.

We also spoke at length about my most recent experience and he suggested that I have mental masochistic and obsessional tendencies that make me very vulnerable and if I am not careful could end up in a very bad place mentally. Mix that in with being very submissive with strong sexual needs he has suggested that I consider very carefully whether this lifestyle is for me.

So I am looking for advice and opinions from others that may be able to relate to what I have shared.

It sounds as if you need to become emotionally grounded, emotionally intelligent, work out who you are, why you are like this, what - if anything - has occurred in your past to make you who you are now?

I think, generally, people enter into relationships, be they vanilla or BDSM, without knowing who they themselves are, or knowing what they want in a relationship or the type of person they want to be with. I think this is why so many people end up unhappy, hurt and miserable in relationships. I think this is why so many relationships end.

You have written a great deal in your OP and you hint at certain things that a casual observer really cannot comment on.

You say that you have a friend who is concerned about you, so much so that she sought to intervene into you relationship. As a casual reader I have no idea whether that was someone meddling into business which was none of her concern, or whether she was a good, genuine and caring friend seeking to protect you because she knows things about you that none of us reading your OP could possibly know.

If you feel vulnerable in life then it is always best to protect yourself from potential hurt and surround yourself with good people whom you know have your best interests at heart.

If you feel vulnerable emotionally, and you consider yourself to be a submissive, then surely the best thing to do is to pause, to protect yourself and take some time to work out who you are and what you want from life?

Moving swiftly on – head fucks (done properly) can lead to obsessions, and a hell of a lot of sexual tension. At this point, to sugest you will be “thinking straight” is naïve to say the least, and things happen that perhaps wouldn't otherwise.

With the right person in control over this period, it has a lot of delightfully deviant potential – with no control, it can be an “irresponsible” time.

You have quite correctly identified all of this, so you're obviously smarter than the average bear – but as you say yourself, once those hormones kick in while your mind is in a whirl, strange things can happen.

Seems to me you have three choices.

Stop this stuff imediately - and live like a nun, denying yourself a lot of pleasure

Give in to it completely – and become someone you don't want to be

Or find the right Dom – the man who will take you to the edge, and always bring you back again.

That third option means you are going to have to be very picky about who you choose – but the better the choice you make, the fuller your life is going to be.

I suspect the key word here is going to be “patience”

Good luck …......

x

Ever wondered who the devil comes to for ideas ?

It does sound as though you need to be a bit careful, because you might be vulnerable. ON the other hand, there are a LOT of dominants who are quite nice, responsible and safe that you don't need to find the PERFECT one to be able to play and be at least partially fulfilled until you do find the perfect one.

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more anser after reading and consideration.

good of you to post. C.

The cat and mouse, will he meet me, won't he, actually adds to the obsession and mind fuckery which is brillant but again my experience is these people don't transfer so well. Appreciate the online for what it is, which can be bloody brilliant and very fulfilling despite what many people here will argue (without experience I hasten to add) It is true though that an online is very different.

If you want the physical I tend to find less online is better otherwise you can often end up disapointed, if you like the mystery then keep the online people online. Play partners can be brilliant when you are starting out too, its a friendly way to get all your kinky frustrations out without worrying too much about the relationship aspect,which is a whole other problem.

Back to what I said earlier though, try to have fun, it can be too easy to over analyse which really can suck all enjoyment out of things. Be safe yes but try things before dismissing them, as I am sure you will.

I don't think you are any more or less vulnerable than anyone else on earth, what you describe sounds like 'frenzy' or whatever else people describe it as, and its common, its easy to just believe what other people tell you but it also seems you are thoughtful which means smart enough to protect yourself, you aren't a weakling. I remember, back when I started out here, all sorts of dominants had all sorts of wonderful insights about me, I realise now that those insights can apply to anyone, and getting someone to think that you understand them can make them very willing putty.

Sorry for the ramble, I hope at least some of it was useful.

each encounter should be enjoyed for what it is. neither party can make the other take steps that are not for them.

be choosy, and be confident enough to Stop or block any you need too.

like wise remember you are deserving enough to ask for another encounter with those you enjoy.

it is not the same as Nilla, much more intense, and a deep or horny play isnt always the start of life time commitment ............. do Enjoy. and dont let it put you off sharing with mates, am sure everyone needs to learn the 'dont intervene on behalf of....' lesson.

C.

ah, someone pleasant and wise said to me in my first month into tis -- figure out What YOU want, or you ll get a lot that you dont want. so invest the time in yourself to know your wants and likes so you can try and get them safely met.

You already know it doesn't work like that, but what to do about it? Here's my suggestion;

Go to the Fem Sub Social in Birmingham.

They have 4 really well respected House Doms that you can book time with in advance this month. To be fair, you have probably left it too late this month, but go next time.

Bring a sub friend. Book some time with an experienced Dom who appeals. You can explore some of your kinks safely under expert hands, and get some of that tension out.

Then spend the rest of the night browsing the non-house Dom's and see if any are interesting.

The worst that happens is you have a great time. The best is you have a great time and meet someone interesting from not too far away.

Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks into a mirror, he sees a monkey - Malcolm De Chazal
When you're dealing with monkeys, you've got to expect some wrenches - Alvah Bessie

But, to the matter in hand. Unless you have a proper Thing for online-only hookups, it's best to meet people in person asap. Personally, I get nothing from someone trying to play headgames with me online and I bin them immediately. But others clearly feel differently.

The first dom could well have been married/attached, and either way he was a timewaster. However, what the second dom said also sets my warning light flashing:

"We also spoke at length about my most recent experience and he suggested that I have mental masochistic and obsessional tendencies that make me very vulnerable and if I am not careful could end up in a very bad place mentally."

That is a very controlling thing to say. He is speaking to you as if you don't know your own mind. I'd say, avoid him too. Any self-styled 'dom' who starts telling you 'what you are' is to be avoided. (And the same goes in vanilla life too.)

It's frustrating at the start, trying to find the right person in this scene where there are some great people, but also predators and fruitloops, but it's best to be choosy for a while.