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| stripped_warrior |
Sometimes I wonder why I bother, I try and strive at tasks to prove myself, to prove I CAN do what I want, I don't need to settle I just choose to. I hate that what I want conflicts with what I enjoy, everytime I get ahead I do well I attain what I desire something comes along and drags me down, kicks me until I have no heart left. Untill all I want to do is fuck off and die, sit myself in a ditch and abandon myself as a fucking idiotic fool for trying.
I disgust myself with my own desires. I see others enjoying what I do and it sickens me in this state. I know that being beaten whipped cropped makes me happy, but to imagine it now makes me sick to my stomach and my throat start to retch.
I love two people and all I want in my life is them. I want to make them happy, for them to be proud of what I can do for them, of what I can achieve in their name. they say they love me but I have lost what feeling loved feels like. I can love, make love, but I don't recall what being loved feels like.
I just want the world to destroy and forget me.
I know that suicide is a weak choice. It hurts more people than it relieves. But I sit here and watch the sprogs go by and dream of just falling asleep nand never waking up anymore. The desire I have for sweet oblivion is the same as I have had for a partner to own me, the same I have as my knees fail but beg for more.
But suicide is a weak choice, I cannot cry and I cannot be weak. Everytime I feel myself fail I MUST be strong, because without that strength I am nothing, I have nothing, am worth nothing.
I will not be weak I will not be nothing I will not.
Edit: Only minor self censure. All comments start hidden. Overall it has been a distinctly bad day.
Edited Fri 2 Sep 11, 6:22 PM by stripped_warrior
| 2 Sep 11, 6:26 PM jenevieve UK(CH), 4 yrs |
Hugs cos I think you need them No matter how you try you just can't fix stupid! | |
| 2 Sep 11, 6:29 PM male2shemaid UK(SA), 4 yrs  |
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. http://www.ekrfoundation.org/quotes
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| 2 Sep 11, 7:10 PM Ama_Sidero UK(GU), 7 yrs       |
Oh, kajiru...... *****hugs****** You will remember. it must be a bad day, because I think both your Mistress and Sister care for you very much. Tomorrow will be a better one, probably. Maybe just have an early night tonite and tomorrow you will waken brighter. **more hugs** @Play_Space - Next party is Friday, September 23 from 930 - 3 am. Info found here: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/301137/0/... Road Trip to the Sea!!! Next tentatively planned in October.....Just elapsed...More info here:http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/305429/0/... Edited 2 Sep 11, 8:07 PM by Ama_Sidero | |
| 2 Sep 11, 8:54 PM Persia_Porsche UK(EH), 3 yrs |
It's all about giving and the joy we bring to others, through that we find we find the joy they give to us. Tomorrow will be a better day <<hugs>> I'm loud and I'm vulgar, and I wear the pants in the house because somebody's got to, but I am not a monster. I'm not. | |
| 2 Sep 11, 10:20 PM foxgirl UK(LN), 22 mths |
You take care of yourself, okay? I hope that tomorrow is brighter for you. x | |
| 2 Sep 11, 11:14 PM Numbers UK, 3 yrs |
There's a lot of that about...
376, xxx. "Life at its best is a creative synthesis of opposites in fruitful harmony" - Martin Luther King, Jr. | |
| 3 Sep 11, 10:08 AM MistressNikki UK(SE), 9 yrs |
I love you. I'm going to wrap you in my arms, my ropes, my world. Fold you into layers of pain, bright, sharp, dull, persistent. Snuggle you on my belly, stroking your forehead. Keep you safe. Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective & permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment | |
| 3 Sep 11, 10:31 AM janusxuk UK(HP), 7 yrs |
Bad days always end, whether you want them to or not. Watford Munch is on the 3rd Tuesday of every month. | |
| 3 Sep 11, 12:24 PM Princess_of_Disguise UK, 13 mths |
I love you. Want to fold you in my arms, rest your head on my chest, stroke a hand down your hair and help you remember what feeling loved feels like. You are strong, in so many ways. You can cry, you can let yourself go around us. Showing emotion and relying on people when things are tough isn't weak. And neither are you. And I am proud of you. Of who you are. Of what you are. Of the fact I love you. You know where I am, my beloved. {Mistress Nikki's pretty} |
