Mixing the Bf/Gf and D/s dynamic (36)

I suggested that we put the D/s element of our relationship on hold. This doesn't mean we've given up kinky sex or our natural dynamic and personalities...just that we won't define our relationship as such and won't have the same rules or rituals. We're both happy with this...and continue to enjoy our relationship and time together.

To begin with I thought this was an issue of labelling...that my bear felt his masculinity was being threatened by fully accepting being sub. I thought he'll work his way through it...and I'm totally certain that I'm comfortable with mixing the two - that there was no conflict at all.

However, today I realised that I'm still a little bit shocked and taken aback when he says something dirty or slutty or reminds me of his kinks. Its as though my brain can't quite deal with the idea that a very masculine man who makes me go weak at the knees...is just as kinky as me.

I am completely happy with my relationship...its fun..honest...trusting....and the sex/play is truly mind blowing. But the closer we get the greater the conflict between the bf/gf dynamic and D/s. There are elements of D/s I really enjoy and very much hope we can get back to...and this conflict is certainly not because I can't hurt/hit someone I care for.

In typical man fashion the bear doesn't know why he feels as he does...and his desire to please me and make me happy certainly hasn't diminished.

Can anyone relate to this in any way? Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?

Would be really interested in any views...as whilst I have lots of friends in the scene I have very few (actually only one I can think of) who is combining their primary relationshi with D/s...but where they're not at the point of marriage.

Prehaps the hitty things arn't kinda getting him there it's interupting his emotional ability to delve into the physicality of being sub,,

what i think is that he may be wanting different things encorporated rather than hitty,, maybe tied round the balls and gently led or dressing as a maid,,

i know you put you guy's talk but is one not talking enough to say what they are realy feeling

Please excuse crap spelling cause i,m rubbish

Strange that it is easier to have the d/s thing with someone you barely know if you want it very intesnse. Not maintainable though

It is a love thing. But the D/s is utterly fundamental to it. She's always my partner. But also always my s.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

Her complaints were a bit polarised, as the problem would be that I would be too tough for a Bf, or too romantic for a Dom...

But with a bit of patience, and a lot of communication, as well as loads and loads of play that was pleasurable to both, it became clear that she could trust me in both roles, and let herself be herself...

I hope you figure it out, good vibes to you both...

No matter what the question is, the answer's still 42!

Yes I can relate to it.

I have never felt that what I do is sensible or rational. I've never been able to justify it or come to terms with it.

I don't want bdsm to be accepted by mainstream, whatever that is, or seen as okay. I don't think anyone should think that causing someone else pain is fine and dandy. Getting your rocks off on it is unfathomable. I loathe workshops and fillossoffies and generally find getting together with other bdsm peeps depresses the hell out of me. I have only a tenuous connection, if that, with most people I have met on the scene.

For me, for twenty years with H, I still see the entire activity as pretty strange and unwholesome.

However, it rocks our lil worle and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Those are my thoughts.

My advice is not to think about it over much. It's a dirty, painful, messy, blubbery, violent and dispicable approach to a sex life, but someone's got to do it.

rah rah!

durty synd

Pour encourager les autres

My Dom (when I have one) is my partner, my boyfriend, my confidant, my friend, my lover. It just happens that we have decided and agreed upfront that the way we will relate with each other, our dynamics or rulebook, is D/s.

I absolutely expect him to be both dominant/demanding and romantic/caring/loving. I expect him to protect and cherish me, but if he wants to use hitty things on me or spank me that is absolutely part of it too.

I think it is about communicating, and deciding how you want your D/s to be be reflected in your relationship - for example, would you both be happy with D/s being simply in the bedroom or when you play, or do you want it 24/7? So the two of you need to figure out, if necessary through some trial and error (with lots of communication and caring!) what works best for the two of you, so that (to plagiarise @Phallocrat) you get to the point where you both trust each either in both your roles (D/s and Gf/bf), and let each of you be yourself.

There's a somebody I'm longing to see, I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood, I know I could always be good, to one who'll watch over me (Ella Fitzgerald)

Edited 31 Aug 11, 11:14 PM by Shypeachybottom

I think in many cases, though not all cases, there is a 'difference' between...um, not exactly 'fantasy' and reality, but...well, maybe what one thinks one wants, what one thinks wil make you happy, happy, happy, and what really makes you happy in life. Myself, I always measure things by what I call a hierarchy of wants - (I don't call things 'needs', because that puts unneccessary stress on them) so you just have to ask yourself, or LEARN of yourself, what you want most, out of your list of wants in life. Sometimes, often, the answer surprises you.

And I think, ultimately, change is inevitable, we are not stagnant. No, wrong word! 'Static'. We are all of us on a journey through life. Change therefore should be - I don't know if 'welcomed' can ever be the right word - but not feared, perhaps?

Good luck.

Edited 31 Aug 11, 11:17 PM by Grownup_Frankie

No the hitty things definitely aren't his thing...he's not a masochist on any level...more he endures for me...and thus gets some pleasure from knowing he's pleasing me.

Apart from club play where we do some lighter cp....hitty things have in the majority been used for punishment. We had complete orgasm control and a set of rules for when in private...and it is these things we have halted...all other activities are pretty similar...he just doesn't thank me after or ask permission to cum. I know what we do always has and still does bring immense pleasure for us both.

I have suggested cross dressing in the past and it is something he has endured for me...and would again. Whatever we're labelling our relationship...when I ask him to do something for me...he will go out of his way to agree...as I said our personalities haven't changed.

Its really not a case of him not sharing....more that he doesn't understand the block or conflict himself.

More thoughts always welcome though....will be having the bear read this thread and see if anything rings true for him I look forward to seeing his face when he reads the suggestion that I should lead him by his balls...would love to