Responsibility (47)

Can a Dom learn this over time? Or do they need to already have responsibility and compassion from day 1 to make it work?

imho and I would say this because I am one, its best if a Dom also happens to be a nice guy.

You will get all the beatings etc your hearts desire and at the same time get looked after.

If the complete up his own arse bastard is your type then you have made your bed.

The subs health, wellbeing, safety and limits along with the duty of unlimited after care are 99 percent of everything imho. The nice in this world are more likely to consider that.

I have not spoken with many Dom's on it but I think the ones that I have would think along similar lines.

I understand nice guys are not exactly the sexiest genre (about as sexy as a 3 hour lecture on creosote to some) but when somebody is beating you or causing you distress in other ways, the fact its a nice guy doing it might not be so bad.

I am only a newbie in relative terms so mine is probably not a text book answer.

The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.

Edited 18 Aug 11, 6:17 AM by SpartanReserve

However this is a two way street. How many subs who sink indulgently into sub drop, consider the Dom/Dommes feelings after intense play? In my experience not many!

Owner of The Croppery Dungeon and Breakfast. Organises The St Leonards munch.

To me, the fundamental part of being a Dom is being prepared to take and accept that responsibility. Extrapolating that means therefore that you have to care about any person that you are "leading". And this to me is where the expression "loving dominant" has it's place.

This actually takes me back to the post on Domination + Leadership. The best leaders truly care and respect the people they are leading. Indeed the sense of responsibility that really good leaders feel is huge. That doesn't make them any the less a leader indeed it adds to their credibility with their people because they see the efforts that their leader is prepared to take.

So for me a good Dom has to care, empathise, take responsibility, have patience and fundamentally give a shit about other people... I'm coming back to my "Respect" theme again....

Let's all play nicely people.. Just remember.. This is meant to be fun!
"The art of being a gentleman is knowing when not to be..."

Yes it is the responsibility of both parties at the end of the day to consider each others feelings, but depending on your level of sub/Dom drop are you capable of considering the other persons feelings? From my own experience, when I have considered sub drop my reaction was to turn in on myself and get no help from anyone, it is my way of coping.

There is an overall responsibility for the Dom to care for their sub but the line could be subjective depending on your relationship and of course other factors. As a sub I take a fair bit of responsibility for myself, but I think this comes down to me only really having myself to rely on.

jxx

"Take me from this earth an endless night- this, the end of life. From the dark I feel your lips and taste your bloody kiss."

Bosses aren't all nice. Nor are teachers: But taking responsibility is core to what they do.

I'm head over heels with my girl and we enjoy each other's company immensely. But there are times when what I want isn't what she wants and being nice and loving wouldnt make either of us feel we are being who we are (Dom and sub). In those circumstances is it is responsible to risk the relationship by imposing one's will?I think it is.

My goal - to save women from nature (Dior)
Follow me on twitter: @belasarius99

No they aren't... But the good ones you will respect because they probably did what was needed rather than what you wanted... And they will be doing it because they know it is the right thing for you or the situation long term. Why? Because they fundamentally have respect for you...

Oh yes there are crap bosses... Don't look at them for the example...

Ah... That word again... Respect....

Let's all play nicely people.. Just remember.. This is meant to be fun!
"The art of being a gentleman is knowing when not to be..."

really the amount of girls i,ve chatted to on this site, that have been abused by so called doms (note lower case) often from the first memo/chat girls have been asked to address the dimdom as "sir", master, etc also asked for pics and when these girls dont conform, "there not subs",

but then theres even worse cases, where say the girls have got to daily memos, and even phone calls, the girl, by now quite convinced she's met the one, suddenly theres silence no answering txts or memos, i,ve talked to some girls on here (you know who you are ladies) absolutly devestated,upset,confused, and left questioning themselfs

And then theres the worst kind the dimdom who has cajouled,discussed and encouraged a meet, maybe they,ve met 2/3 times and suddenly either all the communication stops, or worse the limits and safe words pre discussed are ignored, guys ,how many of us have chatted on here to a girl who's confidence is no longer, trust has been destroyed? so come on you assholes think of what your doing to a girls mind before you start, a girl needs to see consistency in your approch , i.e. understanding, consideration, a nurturing AND acceptence of the girls situation and nilla commitments

finally you,ll note i,ve refered to female subs here, i dont have experience in chatting to male subs but from what i gather male subs dont get this level of abuse from Dommes this due to Dommes rarely reply well according to the bi- daily complaints on these boards, oh and in answer to your question "from day 1" well my friend i would,ve thought that compassion,understanding,consideration is part of a guys personailty or not can you switch those qualities on and off ???

As a sub i can say I am learning to relax into my submission and increase the amount I care for and attend to my Doms needs.

If a sub is allowed to improve with experience and trust, why not a Dom? After all, we are both humans, simply opposite sides of the same coin.

In vanilla situation, good leaders are constantly improving and developing their skills. A Dom, new to the life style can certainly improve his understanding of what is needed.

I have no idea just how many Dom/mes understand what their responsibilities might be and the impact they have on a sub's life.

I think our D/s relationships are no different to any other in most ways. We really are not special. Any partner in any relationship has the power to impact upon the other's life. Subs are not special in that regard either.

If a person is emotionally and mentally healthy, and they should think carefully about getting into a bdsm relationship if they are not, then being in a sub/Dom/me relationship should not mean any more burdens, potential harms or responsibilities than any other relationship. Yes, we do engage in risky, edgy stuff but is is consensual and as such both people bear responsibility for what goes on. The sub can withdraw consent at any time and anyone who thinks that being in a M/s relationship means that cannot happen is living in a dream world.

Truly, we just need a moderate degree of common sense, intelligence and human understanding to know what is essentially right and moral in a relationship and what is not. I know there are plenty who do not possess those attributes and it really is up to each of us not to rush into relationships until we are confident that our potential partners are safe and healthy to be around.

I think it is not advisable to play with anyone who does not have a reasonable sense of responsibility and compassion from the first. If you do, you run the risk of becoming a victim to their inadequacies first which might take time and effort to recover from.

Subs ultimately make the Dom/mes and by this I mean, the subs empower the Dom/mes and so it is encumbent upon a sub, if they wish to protect themselves to not rush into a relationship until you have a fair measure of the Dom/mes personality. Anyone who won't allow time for a sub to do this is automatically a dick and should be avoided like the plague. It is a warning about the kind of person someone is.

Can responsibility and compassion be learned. Probably no. I don't see a selfish git turning into a nice guy that easily. We are by adulthood pretty well formed and so changing our core characteristics can be very difficult. Subs often feel pressurised into accepting things about Dom/mes which they would not do from any other relationship they have. Very few people can effect change in another. It is far more likely that if they do embark upon a relationship with someone without compassion or responsibility, they will just become damaged by that person. Being nice is harder work than being horrible and so why would a nasty selfish unthinking person ever change? Those types don't change for love of another, they just see people as expendable objects and will just move on to hurting the next victim they come across.

A Fine Norfolk Domme. Mistress of @paulss My PD blog at http://mistress-keene.blogspot.com/

Care and responsibility should be the No1 priority of any good Dom Always!!!.

I have also spoken with many subs who have found care goes out of the door soon after play begins!,

May be these so called dom's should be given a tast of there own medicene then they may think twice about there actions?,