Taking time away from other partners (9)

Several points spring to mind: Hartless is an adult, and if she felt that the time she was spending with her partners was out of balance for her then she may very well say something to the people concerned. This is important as I tend to assume in my head sometimes based on things my girlfriend tells me that 'oh no, if I've spent Saturday with her then she isn't spending enough time with her husband'. Ultimately it's a group responsibility, but people need to look out for themselves.

Secondly, if your partner was a parent (looking at relationship structures and fairness from a completely non poly perspective) and had three children then she may end up spending a lot of time with a young child that needs help with dressing or eating. In the evening she may spend less time with her older children who have different needs, or may see them all together in a group/spend a quick half hour helping them with homework. Does this mean that based on a snapshot of a single day that she is being unfair to her children and not giving each of them enough time at all? For me, it's a no, it's simply that the time spent has different meanings/purposes for the different children.

Thirdly I think you can't quantify time allocated to each partner like an accountant's balance sheet. Some people need more or less time than others, some people like to hang out together for a week, some people only like short focused meetings. If my other half is spending lots of time with me (when I've been having personal problems this has definitely meant she's spent more time with me than with her husband) then I trust that over time it'll roughly balance out. Sometimes if I can't see her then a really good phone conversation can feel just as intense or intimate as spending three hours together. Equally there are other occassions when I just have to see her(!).

Does any of this help at all?

'Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative'

Obviously I'm involved in this set up so I'm no sure whether that makes my reply too personally connected, but I'll add my thoughts anyway in case it is helpful.

Firstly, I share your feelings to some extent. If I know Hartless has somebody else over I don't like to phone. It feels intrusive and rude. However, if I call and I didn't know she was with someone else but she tells me she's ok to chat for a bit then I feel ok about it. This to me is the difference - whether or not I've had positive affirmation that the situation is ok. I have to trust that she will only take that time away if the other person is ok with it too (or accept the possibility that even if the other person would rather she didn't chat to me she can make that choice and dealing with any problems that arise from that is her business!)

I feel more insecure if I want to call her because I am unhappy or want support because I hate the feeling of replacing pleasant time she is spending with someone else with negative time spent supporting me. That one I really struggle with, but luckily it comes up very rarely.

Sharing nicely is so important in a poly group, but I think it's important for us to look out for our own needs as well as being mindful of the needs of others in the group. There's no sense in being so careful not to ever disturb time with another partner that you end up feeling your own needs have been neglected. This is just more likely to lead to you feeling unhappy and as anyone in a poly group knows there is nothing so draining on a partner's time and energy as dealing with a partner who is unhappy! This one is a big motivator for me - when everyone is happy, the time share flows more freely and easily. So it makes sense to keep a good balance between what I want personally and what others in the group also want or need. Of course we have to be understanding that there will be times when others need more, but keeping the basic stuff running smoothly is a huge help towards keeping everyone as happy as possible.

As for the specific situation you asked about - if I'm staying for a whole week I know there is a strong possibility that Hartless may want to see other partners during that time. One of the things we like about longer stays is that we get to experience something closer to living together. Living together would certainly involve plenty of time for other partners! Besides, I spend most of my evenings at home on my own and I'm quite happy with that so I really don't mind having a night or two off to chill out. I love Hartless dearly, but I can cope without her for a night!

The only thing I don't like is last minute surprises so as far as possible I like to know which nights we have together and which nights she is out. Astarael already has a night booked in, so I suggest you hurry up and book yours Random_Dan!

"Don't Dream It, Be It" - The Rocky Horror Show 1973

The key for me in a poly relationship is trust.

Trust includes that when someone tells you something is OK, you trust them to be telling the truth.

If your partner is telling you she doesn't mind seeing you when she has someone else with her for the week, you need to trust that she is being honest with you about that.

What is it about ~yourself~ that makes you doubt when you are being told something? Are you the kind of person who will say something to please someone because that's what you think they want to hear, rather than be totally honest and tell them how you really feel?

(Rhetorical questions just for you to ponder, you don't need to answer them here if you don't want to).

For me, I can't be anything but truthful in a poly relationship because otherwise that's when one or more parties begin to feel insecure and unhappy. So when my husband tells me he is happy for me to spend the day (or however long) with my other lover, I trust him to be telling the truth, and if he wasn't OK with it, he'd tell me.

Edited 4 Aug 11, 5:29 PM by Bunneh

In my triad setup with EGB and Subaru, it's all really relaxed betweeen the three of us, but I do try and engineer time for EGB and Subaru on their own, myself and Subaru, and the three of us. Obviously as my primary, I get time with EGB the most, so that isn't as much of an issue.

I think it's all about communication and negotiation with your partners - see what they want from you, tell them what you would like from them. Be mindful of their other needs and commitments, and bear in mind they might need alone time too. So long as you are being fair, open and honest, the time you get will be agreed on, and you can enjoy it instead of worrying about whether you are intruding on someone else's time.

I agree that poly group shared time is essential to a good dynamic, and I would always want my partners to spend time with me as a group. It just feels so lovely and happy for us all to be in the same place, connected to each other, and enjoying that. Shared time doesn't feel like it's owned by anyone provided everyone is getting their individual needs met too.

Hope that helps Rx

"While the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there?"

Hartless is really important to all of us and I suspect that if she found out that we were unhappy and didn't tell her she would be made unhappy by that too.

I know I have been taking up a great deal of her time, but that is more to do with distance than anything else. I have also had the luxury of being very flexible time-wise, though that has now changed with my job. I am finding the adjustment and a few other things a little difficult, but I know how important her time is and trust in the relationship I have with her.

I suppose I am just echoing what Lucy has said, I love Hartless and know how much we all mean to her so it makes sense to me, and feels right, that she has time with each of us as she and we need to be happy for all our happiness.

Edited : Paragraph spacing.

Edited 11 Aug 11, 10:45 AM by Astarael

It is ok to feel over-protective sometimes, and it is ok to ask for what you want sometimes, even if it is to clarify what has been negotiated.

good luck to everyone.

I felt like you at the beginning of our latest poly triad, not wanting to interrupt them when they were spending the weekend together (we had a rotation with one weekend for me, one weekend for her and one weekend for all of us). I don't mind having time alone and I didn't want to be subconsciously waiting to hear the phone ring. But surprisingly, they wanted to include me during their weekends and would call me everyday and we'd chat for a few minutes. It was great!! It became a habit that the couple together for the weekend would contact the "alone" one everyday just to say hi...

Perhaps having a planned time to call would ease your feeling that you are intruding, and you'd know that you could talk during the weeks time.

My 2 cents. Kay

AmericanKay http://notesfromtheworkshop.wordpress.com/ http://fetlife.com/users/59741

Sorry to put an annoying pedantic post, but the misspelling on Hartless above links to the profile of a middle aged man. Definitely not our @Hartless ! lol.

"Don't Dream It, Be It" - The Rocky Horror Show 1973

Edited 17 Aug 11, 10:12 PM by pinkylucy

You're not alone in experiencing this. I've done similar things in my relationship this year.

I guess it depends on the situation, if one of you is living with @Hartless for the week, it's different to when she's with someone for an hour or there is an afternoon where someone doesn't want to be interupted. And like other replies have said, if they didn't want to be disturbed they would say so. You know that everyone else is ok with it, so let yourself be too. Get in touch!

It would be a real shame to miss out on anything because you feel like shouldn't disturb anyone else's time. You'll probably end up feeling worse in the long run, not only because you'll know you've missed out on some potential experiences together, but also because you're not voicing your feelings when you need to or would like to.

Hopefully this is something where, the more you stop avoiding getting in touch, the more you get used to doing it and the less you worry and think about it.

I get the feeling that there might be some other issues that are playing a part here. Are you struggling with some aspect of your poly relationship? Or with low confidence or low self esteem? Are there any other issues or things that have happened that could have led to this? How do you feel when you are with @Hartless and one of the others calls her or comes round? Do you feel they are bothering you?

I've found reading as many books as I can about D/s & poly relationships and communication really helped me. There were a lot of good thoughts, practical tips and ideas that I noted down and am trying to act on. It also helps me to remind myself that ultimately, communicating is the most important thing whatever the situation and they would want to hear from me.

I hope my rambles made sense and have helped some!

Hannah

x

ETA - I don't think you could ever take time away from @Hartless' other partners. Not unless you deliberately sabotaged or manipulated situations to stop @Hartless spending time with them!

Edited 26 Aug 11, 3:27 PM by secretsmile_101