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I'm sorry if this sounds a little harsh, and it may be reading a lot into a few paragraphs (as we have to do), but it sounds more as if you have been weak and foolish yourself, rather than you being played for a fool.

You knew from the start that you wanted monogamy and your very own dom, and yet when he brought out the fact that he already had a girlfriend, you simply carried on seeing him, even though your common sense must have told you that the whole thing was going to end badly, and with several people likely to be hurt.

You had your key relationship needs clear in your mind, and yet when this man crossed the two most basic principles (monogamy and openness), you just carried on. I'm older than you and probably a lot more careful, but I do share the value and the ideal of monogamy, so I can relate to that.

But you have to learn to stand by your principles, and never to accept a relationship proposition that does not have the really key elements that you need to be happy- and a key element in your case is monogamy. And another- in all our cases- is honesty. Otherwise the most likely outcome is that you will end up hurt again, and probably hurting others too.

You have to put the D/s stuff aside for a moment, and focus on the fact that this is about two human beings- would a vanilla woman have accepted the situation if he confessed some time into the relationship that he already had a girlfriend? Most would have demanded that one or other relationship must end, immediately.

And only telling you about her well into your relationship should itself have been a massive red flag, indicating a reluctance to be as open as he ought to have been, and to be honest that itself should have warned you off him instantly.

Is that the kind of man you could have lived happily ever after with? Hindsight is easy of course, but the answer has to be no. He may not be an awful villain, but he was not open enough to be trusted in a long term relationship.

How do you know that even if he chose you over her, that he would not have simply taken on other subs such as yourself in future years? How do you know that he doesn't already have others anyway?

I know how it feels to have a relationship with someone much more experienced in D/s- it happened to me last year, and I know the submissive can in those cases be much more willing to simply accept what the dominant says as gospel, and to do whatever they are told, largely because you imagine that is just the way that D/s relationships go.

But you have to learn that in one respect D/s is exactly the same as vanilla. You know in your heart what you can live with, and what you cannot. And you must be strong enough to stand by those principles, and never compromise on them.

It will take time to find the right relationship, yes of course- just as it does for thousands of vanilla people. And this relationship has not been a waste of time, in the sense that you've learned some hard lessons. But if you don't take those lessons to heart, then it WILL have been a waste of time, and all it will have been was several months where you could have been much more focused on finding the right relationship, instead of wasting time and emotion on the wrong one.

And I am curious- did you ever ask him whether his girlfriend knew about you?

Edited 17 Jul 11, 1:09 PM by JustTony

The key points here are that he lied to you about his relationship status, he messed you about and didn't treat the breakup with dignity in his communications. This would never bode well for a healthy relationship.

I can't comment on the play because whilst it sounds very hard I don't know what was negotiated prior to it.

As a play partner who you saw to get your needs met physically then maybe there was mileage in it but as anything more than that no, sounds like there was definately no mileage in it and that you're better off out of it if you want a full blown long term Ds relationship.

Hope you find what you seek. Keep your chin up coz it's pretty much the norm to sift through a few turds when you start out in BDSM.

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

Edited 17 Jul 11, 1:22 PM by totallycoverme

In fairness, what this boils down to is that you had a D/s affair with a man behind his partner's back.

We're none of us angels, and I did exactly the same thing myself many years ago so I'm not judging or anything.

But just trying to get it into perspective. I think the one who was played for a fool was his girlfriend.

Don't make them a priority, when they only make you an option...

I don't want anyone who's broken, literally or figuratively speaking. Dominant words are a great tool (used in the right way), dominant deeds are another matter.

@The_Coven / @The_Problem_Page, you might give the advice that someone needs. / I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". / So many haystacks, so few needles! / Sorry is a meaningless word unless it is demonstrated, via actions or a change in behaviour, that it is meant.

There are regrettably a number of them floating about with an inflated idea of their own importance.

For him to have shown so little regard to your emotional wellbeing, and so little respect to either you or his 'girlfriend' only serves to reinforce the point.

I always feel really uncomfortable whenever I hear about another hero having to 'break' a sub, especially with uncontrolled violence. These are unpleasant and potentially dangerous people with by any definition psycopathic tendencies.

You had a jolly lucky escape.

Choose wisely next time, and never compromise your standards at the behest of a Tosser.

Fitz.

Escaped from the parallel universe

Were you taken advantage of? To some extent yes, because being your first D/s relationship you accepted it. In time though through meeting new people and talking to them you'll hopefully find someone with the mindset to compliment you and what you want.

"I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it." Edgar Allan Poe

You're only a fool if you put yourself in this situation again without negotiating what you need for yourself out of it. We make miscalculations in all relationships, just try not to make the same ones twice.

This will heal.

SinPar

-- The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone's concern, and like vampires they suck our life's blood. (Bette Davis)

Both were getting something out of it, both got frustrated and upset in the end, suspect you're both better off without each other. Live and learn.

“During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act” - George Orwell
"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different" - Coco Chanel
Please check out @FemDom_Forum too!

Ya'see for some when you are in a D/s, M/s or O&P dynamic based relationship you are not a girlfriend and/or couple, so basically yes it is possible

~* Raku wa ku no tané; ku wa raku no tané. *~