 |
| melita |
on Sat 5 Feb 05, 12:46 AM to melita's blog.
Master set me a task yesterday to read up on and write an essay about reactance to help me learn about something which i appear to be suffering from a lot at the moment.
In the eight months we have been together we have had so many ups and downs...the ups being major highs, off the richter scale...the lows being devastatingly depressing. Throughout these low occasions i question whether i am even submissive let alone fit enough to be called a slave. i strongly dis-like myself and the thing i become when this happens and the really scarey thing is i never know when it's gonna happen, it usually just springs up on me from behind.
But why is this happening?
i have always had a submissive nature, been that way all my life although i didn't know it had a name until a couple of years ago. It's just what i feel, what i need, what i am. But if that's the case then why am i struggling with it so much?
So i scoured the net and read through some other essays written from both a Dom and a sub point of view and started to realise that most of what has been happening to me is actually quite normal and happens to a lot if not most subs and slaves. i began to recognise that there was indeed a pattern to some of the incidents. i saw that there was a light at the end of the tunnel afterall and all was not as lost as i was beginning to believe. God bless all those essay writers out there!
There is one slight problem though...how do i explain?
Ok let me try it this way...(i'm gonna borrow Tanos's descriptions here taken from http://www.enslavement.org.uk/reactance.html, hope he don't mind 
) if i'm correct i believe there are four stages of reactance:
Direct reassertion of the freedom through behaviour
Greater liking for threatened behaviour
Indirect reassertion of the freedom
Aggression
and then one final stage...Acceptance.
Well my problem is that i don't seem to be reaching the acceptance stage too easily. It's almost like there's a really stubborn inner demon which keeps holding me back. You know, the little angel (submissive) on one shoulder whispering "go on, you know you want/need to and it's good for you and ooooh so right", and the nasty little devil on the other shoulder screaming "how DARE that man use you/beat you/speak to you that way, who the hell does he think he is anyway?".
Master and i have obviously discussed all this at great length and the one thing that we feel is largely responsible for this situation is what has gone on in my past relationships, right back to early childhood. Like so many others, i have suffered one abusive relationship after another...physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally...by parents, non-bdsm partners and by past Doms.
Basically i am a loaded gun but instead of just one trigger i have loads. When Master accidentally touches one of those triggers.....BANG!!! How the hell does he cope with all that? Where does he find the patience? The man is truly amazing!!!
The good news is that i no longer feel quite so 'abnormal'. Writing that essay has helped me on so many levels; by making me realise i'm not alone...not weird...not unworthy...and most importantly of all, not a bad slave.
