The_Problem_Page's profile . The_Problem_Page group posts
Posted by The_Problem_Page on Mon 11 Jul 11, 7:35 AM to the The_Problem_Page group.
Anonymous Post
I found out about two weeks ago that my partner had been having online conversations, with four other people, behind my back.
We used to have a D/s relationship but we haven't been actively doing anything for about a year. We started with me being top and him being bottom. He used to argue with me and refuse to do the stuff I wanted, saying that he thought tops wanted a challenge. I carefully explained that, ultimately, you do something because you want to. He enjoyed the idea of chastity and we dabbled in that. He then decided he wasn't into it and sold the gear he had. The conversations he was having recently were about chastity and him being forced into it. I have asked him about it and he said that he really isn't interested: it was more a thing of trying to stir his kink interest again.
We had a time of me being bottom (my preferred place) and it was good. He was learning stuff and chatting to scene/munch people about what else to do. He now says he doesn't want to "hurt" me because he says he loves me too much to do that.
Since the bottoming period, a lot has happened. He lost his job and his home (we didn't and don't live together) and became quite depressed. Our sex life has suffered badly and it's got to the point that I don't remember the last time we had sex. I'm tempted to think that he just doesn't love me anymore but he swears blind that isn't the case.
I love my partner dearly and he tells me he feels the same way. Finding this information out (which was completely by accident) has ripped apart my world. I don't know if I can trust him anymore and I'm ashamed to say that I went through his mobile the other day. He has ended all contact with the people concerned and said that he never met them, which I believe, and that it was all pretend. I'm just not 100% convinced.
If there's no trust, there's no relationship and that's what I fear.
| 11 Jul 11, 8:09 AM Ama_Sidero UK(GU), 7 yrs        |
hugs. I can only tell you that a LOT of guys, for some bizarre reason, think there is nothing wrong with not only chatting, but having actual relationships online. They figure that because noone touched each other, it doesn't count. They also don't understand what the fuss is about over it. You didn't say what type of conversations. There are a lot of different kinds...if they were just conversations, well, people can talk to each other. It would really depend on what kind they were... As for the trust...only you can know that. I'm sorry. I think it would be even more difficult when you don't live with each other.
I hope it turns out the way you want it to. @Play_Space - Next party is Friday, July 22 from 930 - 3 am. Info found here: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/301137/0/... Road Trip to the Sea!!! Next tentatively planned in October.....Just elapsed...More info here:http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/305429/0/... Edited 11 Jul 11, 8:11 AM by Ama_Sidero | |||
| 11 Jul 11, 3:59 PM Numbers UK, 3 yrs |
OK, as far as I'm concerned, chatting with someone online can NEVER be an 'actual' relationship. You can get to know someone, you can flirt, you can wank (or whatever) on webcam, but even doing all those things falls pretty short of an 'actual' relationship IMO. If we're talking about an 'actual' BDSM relationship then the concept is even more ridiculous. This kind of contact may well become a significant aspect in a long distance relationship. It could help to build/maintain closeness between real-life meetings/sessions, but for people have never even met (or intended to) IRL, it can only ever be a fantasy. 'Online only' relationships are bullshit. Anyone who thinks otherwise should get out more frankly, (they might even like to try some 'actual' BDSM too, *rolls eyes*)... [/end rant]
This is the issue here really. Conversations about what? & to what end? If communication has broken down in your relationship & he's trying to find support/guidance from outside in order to find a way forward (for example) then that wouldn't be a big deal (it might even be a good thing). If he was negotiating with prospective replacements or something like that, it obviously WOULD be a big deal...
Is pretty much what I think. As Mistress Amazonia says, only you can know that for your particular situation... Good luck.
376, xxx.
"Life at its best is a creative synthesis of opposites in fruitful harmony" - Martin Luther King, Jr. | |||
| 11 Jul 11, 4:17 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs |
Depending on what people chat about with other members of the opposite sex, online, it could demonstrate a lack of focus on the real relationship, or it could simply demonstrate a liking for communication. It doesn't mean he doesn't want you but it is a veritable feast out there and he's pressing his nose up against the window, wanting to see what's going on. It also doesn't mean he would go and join in with the merriment. It's very difficult for some people to separate online from real-life... this is a matter that you really need to discuss with him, as calmly and as honestly as possible. Maybe the issue is yours... unfounded jealousy is not attractive - do you chat with others online, too? @The_Coven / @The_Problem_Page, you might give the advice that someone needs. / I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". / So many haystacks, so few needles! / Sorry is a meaningless word unless it is demonstrated, via actions or a change in behaviour, that it is meant. | |||
| 11 Jul 11, 7:53 PM Incandescence UK, 3 yrs |
As others have said, it's the content and tone of those online conversations that would be important to me. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a general discussion with other people about a particular subject you're interested in in order to learn more about it, see how it works for other people or, as numbers says, for advice or support about somethign that's happening in your own relationship. If, however, he was having conversations that alluded to what they might do were they to meet or were more like 'cyber sex' type sessions, that would, to me, constitute cheating (it may not be physical cheating but I'd certainly class it as emotional cheating, and the fact that he didn't tell you about these conversations might suggest that he thought they were something to be hidden from you - that in itself would ring alarm bells with me). All that said, only you can know how you feel about the trust issue and that has a lot to do with how you felt instinctively when you found out about the conversations. I've found in the past that intuition in these matters is more often than not, right. You could be overreacting, but I'd say go with your gut feeling. None of us know your partner or had the benefit of seeing, hearing or 'feeling' his reaction to 'being caught out'. I'd base my judgement on that if I were you.
I hope things work out well for you whatever happens
I think, therefore I fuck up!! | |||
| 11 Jul 11, 7:57 PM Shypeachybottom UK, 20 mths |
I think he may be going through a rough patch, and it would probably help you both (individually and as a couple) if you could speak to a counselor. Might sounds extreme, but you clearly have some issues, and what you have been doing hasn't helped, so if you both do love each other, this might be a possible way forward. Good luck! There's a somebody I'm longing to see, I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me | |||
| 14 Jul 11, 7:10 AM The_Problem_Page UK, 2 yrs |
Anon Reply from the OP The conversations he was having were of an intimate nature. If they were just chats, I wouldn't have minded. I talk to people all the time and I don't expect him to suddenly lose his personality. It is, afterall, why I love him. These people had different roles: the first one was a "Master" figure. He was telling my partner that he was going to be in enforced chastity for two weeks. (I have no idea how he was planning on hiding a large lump of plastic so I can safely assume this was a total fantasy.) The second one was an "ally", to support him though the chastity, and to chat to. The third was allegedly going to collar him at the end of this and the fourth person set it all up. It had also spilled out onto his mobile in the form of texts. I am, of course, realistic. I know this was a fantasy. I know it wasn't real. I am hurt because he lied to me and is slowly coming clean. I am wondering if I am overreacting though. | |||
| 14 Jul 11, 11:32 AM Incandescence UK, 3 yrs |
It seems that the problem is twofold. He was having "intimate" conversations with several other people without your knowledge (presumably because he knew you wouldn't be happy/would be upset by it) in which he either planned to, at worst,'cheat' (that's certainly how I'd see if he'd gone ahead) on you or, at best, was stringing these people along. It may have been fantasy for him but they may have believed he was going to go through with it. I, personally, couldn't cope with that kind of lies and deceit in a relationship. If he'd had fantasies about things you couldn't/wouldn't fulfil or weren't interested in (although I think you said in the OP that it was him who wasn't interested in chastity after you'd tried it) he should probably have spoken to you about it and discussed the possibility of him trying out these things someone else. It may not have worked out that way, but at least he'd have been honest and upfront about it and you'd have had a chance to let him know how you'd feel about that and perhaps would have come round to the idea. I don't think you're overreacting at all. Ok, he hasn't physically cheated, but sometimes lies and deceit and even the fact that he thought about and discussed doing it with other people can be just as hurtful and damaging to a relationship. I think, therefore I fuck up!! | |||
| 14 Jul 11, 12:23 PM Mistress_Avralivia UK(RG), 4 yrs £  |
I went through something very similar a few years back. I can only say that for myself, I gave him a second chance as it was only online and he swore it was a mistake he wouldn't repeat. After months of rebuilding I was beginning to trust again. However I discovered he had gone on to do the same thing again. After some probing to find out the extent of what was going on I found a comment he sent to the other person being very disparaging about me, which was the final straw. One thing I will say is once the trusts gone it's almost impossible to get it back.
My revenge was served cold, not that I endorse that kind of thing. Senno Ekto Gamat | |||
| 14 Jul 11, 4:38 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs |
I think he needs to know (from you) whether the sort of thing he has done is acceptable to you (IF he is open and honest with you about it) or not. If you tell him you don't want him to do this sort of thing again, can you be sure he won't? It is an issue of trust; you can either give it time, to rebuild the trust levels with him or... Some relationships are worth trying to keep... do you BOTH want this one? @The_Coven / @The_Problem_Page, you might give the advice that someone needs. / I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". / So many haystacks, so few needles! / Sorry is a meaningless word unless it is demonstrated, via actions or a change in behaviour, that it is meant. | |||
| 19 Jul 11, 6:33 PM little_imp UK(BN), 3 yrs  |
You know, I can't help thinking that this is a relationship where both are hiding desires and frustrations. Would it be possible for you to have some kind of 'make or break, no holds barred, brutal honesty' type conversation, and would you trust him to open up to you the same? He clearly DOES have an interest in kink and chastity. Maybe he is just not compatible with you, in that area? You say you explained to him that submission means doing what you tell him, without complaining or fighting, that ultimately it is done because he wants to do it. And yes, you're completely correct. But a lot of people get a huge kick out of the illusion of being forced. The online relationships were about forcing him into chastity. He asked you to force him into chastity but you told him you weren't up for it. He says he loves you, and he was just trying things out online. This, to me, suggests he's repressed his kink out of love for you and desire to make things work. And now his desires need an outlet. If he's tried topping you but lost interest, I think, despite it suiting you, that suggests it doesn't suit him. And you've tried topping him chastity wise, but your approach suited you but didn't suit him. Would you consider letting him have an online/ real life chastity based Ds relationship, separate from your relationship? Would he let someone else top you? It would be a shame if you both had to cut yourself off from your sexual needs, in order to be together. And a shame if the relationship had to end because from your post, you seem to care about each other a lot. Good luck, I really hope you can sort things out. xxx "WHORE!!" |
