Wifes or partners not accepting your kink ! Part 2 (36)

Quite possibly.

Obviously I don't know your situation, or you or your wife for that matter, enough to offer any clear solution. But I'll offer a few thoughts that may or may not be useful.

At the moment, being relatively new to expressing your submissive inclinations, you probably feel a certain urgency to "try things", specific activities or fantasy scenarios that you long for ("I NEED to know what X or Y is REALLY like!") but your wife maybe isn't comfortable with. That is only natural. But it is also transient, because "submission" that is just repetition of a roleplay scenario will soon lose its gloss.

I don't know whether all submissive men have to go through that phase, as I certainly did initially, of needing to experience things to "know what its like" before being ready to move on to a more balanced view of the role and relative importance (or not) of kink, having "got things out of one's system". But maybe that is something that can be bypassed.

I remember how I was at the time of my first ever BDSM experience - "Wow! A real live woman just ORDERED me to kiss her feet! (because she knew I wanted to anyway) All my Christmasses and birthdays have come at once!". But what a small and shallow thing that seems now in comparison to serving someone I love and serving from the heart with my attention on her, without the urgency and emphasis on kink specifics as an end in themselves.

You say you still hold out hope of your wife "developing into a domme". You also imply that you have tried everything up to and including 24/7 D/s with varying success, only she is "not as much into FemDom" as you are, which implies at least *some* part of it worked for her too.

Possibly you have some particular overriding kink that is completely anathema to her but you feel is essential to expressing yourself. In which case you would either need to shelve that thing and keep it in fantasy only if you can, or else go outside your relationship for that thing only if you are REALLY sure it is OK with her.

But other than that, maybe you would do well to reconsider what REALLY would constitute submission to your wife. What were the things in your previous forays into D/s that suited her, not only you? Whatever latent dominance (and kinkiness) she might have will lie there if anywhere, so if she is to develop and feel comfortable in a dominant role, maybe that is where you should be placing more emphasis.

Once the "trying things" kink-wise is out of your system and seen in perspective, little everyday acts of deference or self-sacrifice done in a submissive mindset can actually provide much of the D/s frisson you are probably seeking from kink, and are far more likely to encourage whatever dominance she may have than exclusively focussing on the kinkier aspects. Putting yourself out to do things she wants to do (everyday vanilla things) and simply allowing her the final say in what you do from day to day as a couple "because you are my goddess/mistress and I belong to you" can be very fulfilling to a submissive mindset. And it can become much more meaningful and less transient than kink on its own because it is REAL submission to someone you love. Maybe it is possible to go straight there without the "working things out of your system" first.

Of course your wife might not have a single dominant bone in her body and any attempt to submit to her might be futile. But if she is ever going to be a happily willing domme to you, the very first thing is not to push for everything you want (or think you want) from the outset, but try to adapt your submission to suit her as best you can, be patient, and grow together at a pace she is comfortable with wherever that leads. So far as you can, put her in the driving seat so she can really "dominate" in a style that suits her. The end result might not match your present vision of "what Ds looks like", but if it broadly puts you where you want to be that should be good enough for anybody.

I AM THE GOD OF HELL-FIRE!.....but its my lunch break right now

Reassurance about what? Sorry, but I find the tone here has shades of someone breaking in an animal.

Sheesh, people's hackles really are up in this thread.

Not taking myself seriously since 1971

Ahh witty indeed.

for someone who portrayed himself as an alpha male and stereotypical dom in everyday life, initiating and continuing in a vanilla marriage and then waking up one morning with an overwhelming urge to kneel pathetically whimpering at a femdom's foot...

Just remember, when you think you're free, that crack inside your fucking heart is me.

This is a really great post of yours. There's a lot of wisdom in those paragraphs (of which I quote your last). When I reflect on my past, I see a number of highs and lows. Highs when we pursued an almost 24-7 lifestyle of a Queen/knight role model as recommended by Lady Misato's "Real Women don't do housework" website in the mid 1990s. Lows when I lacked the 'strength' to maintain sub discipline and thereby turned my Wife off the lifestyle. In hindsight, some expert guidance may have helped to temper our expectations and to counsel us to be patient and take agreed breaks from time to time as against having a total drop out. But then we were younger, inexperienced, living elsewhere, called our own hours, had a very young baby in tow, with no nearby munches or clubs and the Internet was not as developed as it is now in terms of support. The past really is a different country.

Now we have two older children, I work dreadful, unsocial shifts and even though my Wife stays at home, it's a struggle to pursue a vanilla relationship, let alone a BDSM one. I recognise that my pursuit of an external Domme is arguably one of convenience whereby I can hopefully link with someone "ready-made" (sorry if that sounds crude) versus taking the longer and harder route of cultivating a similar relationship with my Wife. Whether indeed one can be cultivated or whether I was being humoured all along. Whether it's even in my gift at all.

So it's now 2011 and I've made rapid progress of a sort from lonely premium rate telephone and on-line jollies to meeting real people from the FemDom scene, helping out in a fetish club and coming close to getting collared. I've learnt so much, met so many great people and have learnt first-hand of the different shades of grey in the lifestyle. And yet, I fear I have travelled so far down the road that my Wife has been left behind. She's been aware of all this activity but not up close (She has declined to attend scene events). So I must temper myself and see if this is a road She will journey down Herself in Her own time or simply recognise it as one of those hubby hobbies a Wife tolerates but doesn't participate in.

I recognise that this path is out of step when compared to your magnificently crafted treatise. But I have to be honest and say, with a few certain exceptions, I don't have any regrets of my choices other than I waited too long. Whether I "graduate" to another plane, and whether my Wife is willing to be in on this elevation is something I will have to ponder and reflect upon a day at a time...

Thanks a lot for that. It's not been easy and it can mess with one's head space from time to time. But it pales into insignificance if I was to sneak around. I think the burden of carrying such a secret would do me in more than anything else. I'd like to think that She knows whenever, if ever, She wants to know more, perhaps even indulge directly, She only has to ask. In the meantime, I pay Her as much attention as I can and offer Her as much of my non-kink values as I can.

Er...not quite. I've yearned to kneel pathetically whimpering at a FemDom's Foot since I was seven, way back in the mid 1970s when there was no Internet, only three TV stations and top shelf was too high to see anyway. My work is demanding and high-pressured. I'm called on from time to time to tackle serious human problems, whether outside or inside the workplace. I cannot afford to be procrastinating or hesitant. Yet there has always been a part of me totally at ease with submission, long before it could be called some kind of work-stress antidote. And throughout the 22 years I've known my Wife, She has never criticised me for springing my kink on Her. She's always had an awareness of my "unusual" likes from the early days...

Are you in possession of some inside information not on this thread nor on the OP's profile? I can't see any hint that he's ever portrayed himself as an alpha male or stereotypical Dom.

ETA: I should read to the end of the thread before posting. OP's latest post implies his only dominance has been at work, not at home.

"Wisdom begins in wonder” (Socrates)
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" (Albert Einstein)
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est. http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/226772/

Edited 12 Jul 11, 3:34 AM by wonderer