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Dom doesn't want to Dom?! (59)

This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.

14 Jul 11, 8:03 AM
ClassAct2005
UK(N), 7 yrs

Yes, that's right. I don't think most dominant men particularly want to hear what they're doing wrong, even if you try to put it nicely. It's difficult if you're submissive. I suppose I try to say what's good (say 4 positive things to every 1 negative in most areas of life works) and I love it when.... rather than you're useless at. Even then it's not easy to object.

As said below sometimes the best solution can just be to put up with it when it's not quite right which I suppose mentally can work because it's submission in a sense as long as it's not a fundamental thing that really matters.

amandaranja wrote:

Tattooed_Prince wrote:
than use the (presumably) established interaction they have as a couple to resolve the issue.

Anyhow I can see my career as an agony aunt might have to be put on hold

I think whenever anybody comes across something they do not like in their partner, especially if the partner is dominant and the *complainer* the sub (as in my own and the op's case) it can be difficult to talk about the issue no matter how long you have been together. Many domly types (my Husband included) do not like to hear they are not quite doing *it* right... if He tells me something that i could be doing better or different i usually just take it as info and try to incorporate it, or knock it off, what ever is required... if i however try to inform Him of anything it often gets taken by Him as criticism and sometimes(oh dear oh dear) some sulking on His part is the result of my giving Him my *useful* info. Over the years i have found all there is to it is keep plodding on and try not to lose your sense of humour... sometimes talking helps , sometimes one might just sit things out... sometimes joking about things and sometimes writing letters... always crafty manipulation.

Don't put your career on hold, just plod on

14 Jul 11, 9:21 AM
ladybabe2
UK(SK), 6 yrs

when your talking all nice and being open just say that you love him the relationship is great and your happy with the man and all he is. but you would like to try different ways of playing which you think you would both enjoy and then discuss idea's, this way no ego's are hurt there is no stress about approaching what you feel is lacking. You will get more from diplomacy then saying what your missing, or what is being done wrong...

Don't make them a priority, when they only make you an option...

14 Jul 11, 3:48 PM
amandaranja
10 mths

roblxxx wrote:

Women aren't good communicators because they believe themselves to be good communicators, therefore don't have to learn how to be good communicators in the way that they never bother to learn how to give a good blow job, or wank off their partners properly because, after all, women are just "naturally good" at those things.

I am not naturally good at many things except for dancing... i can follow a lead and i never really miss a beat... but other than that i am a slow learner. Over the years I have become extremely skilled at blowjobs and wank-offs... still my timing could be better at times and deep throating is something i have only mastered since a few years. English is my second language, i had to learn to communicate in a different tongue... and i am still learning how to communicate with my Husband it is a never ending story we will be at it for as long as we live. Communication with the other sex can be difficult for both sexes, especially when the subject is sex. i do not think being a woman makes someone a better communicator at all. I think being a woman and being in a submissive position as well, having/trying to put your point across to a dominant man, requires skill indeed, she can not just say what is on her mind (no matter how much the dominant man proclaims he values her absolute honesty) Diplomacy and manipulation is the only way forward

good discussion

14 Jul 11, 4:13 PM
tanken
UK(NR), 2 yrs

Why not involve him in this thread?

Happiness is a warm bum

14 Jul 11, 5:19 PM
ClassAct2005
UK(N), 7 yrs

Ah come on. A lot of submissives spend a lot of time learning how to give good oral sex etc. If you have a huge desire to please you certainly don't go round saying to the man "aren't I great, my way or the high way; like this or lump it", not if you don't want to get spanked hard.

roblxxx wrote:

15 Jul 11, 4:28 PM
DominaFire
UK(RG), 3 yrs

Good grief, how arrogant. How on earth can you say whether someone is is love or not or indeed put a time on when you can and can't be in love.

roblxxx wrote:
6 months in to a relationship? Sorry but you're not actually "in love" yet, though that may happen. What you've got right now is a cocktail of various hormones flooding through your body that you've misinterpreted as being in love. Don't worry, that's normal. Everyone gets it.

The effects last, on average, for 6 months. Too many people get married or move in together in that 1st 6 months, to wake one morning wondering why the hell they did that and what they ever saw in this person.

If you still feel the same way after a couple of years them it would be safe to say that you're in Love.

If you've got any doubts now, then the hormones are probably dying down and it's time to go.

I'm gonna close my eyes and count to 10 and when I open them again, everything will make sense to me then
Your pain is my leisure!
"Eats shoots and leaves" or maybe "Eats, shoots and leaves"
"When the glitter smears and the wires appear"
"Grains of sand is all we are, crawling on our manic star"

15 Jul 11, 4:32 PM
totallycoverme
UK(M), 4 yrs

Bastian wrote:
me, Me, ME, fucking ME.

Have you discussed any of this private matter with him in private? Instead of throwing the spotlight on the poor bastard's performance for a bunch of strangers to comment upon.

I suspect this has already been commented upon but OMG it drives me up the wall when people seem to assume that being submissive means that it's not ok to identify and persue your needs.

Alternatively, she could "kneel bitch" and live a lie with regards to her submission so yeah, there's an option as well *face palms*

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice xx

18 Jul 11, 10:35 PM
cumslutandco
12 mths

Lady_Anna_Bradford wrote:
I'd get him to read your OP. You've explained yourself very well, in a constructive manner, and it's easy to see where the problem is. It may help him to read it like this than understand and take in your words when you try and talk to him.

If my partner showed me he had written something like this online rather than talk to me, I would go ape shit!

19 Jul 11, 12:10 PM
Souci_X
UK(BA), 5 yrs

lovelylady4 wrote:

In my gut I feel that he's misled me as to how experienced and mature he was with D/s. I don't feel as if he's made enough effort to get 'inside' my sub mind but in the same vein I get this feeling that he wouldn't have the first clue how to. We have great sex at the moment but at some point (soon) it might not be enough.

This is one thing I find completely interesting, and why the whole 'experience' thing is a big pile of rubbish when applied to relationships.

Thing is we meet someone who identifies as dom or sub and we instantly assume they can be that to us but no two relationships are ever the same and maybe in the past he had relationships with submissives who bought out a huge dominant side in him, maybe you don't? See its very easy to blame it on lack of experience.

This assumption that self identification is akin to obligation is stupid, you form your own relationships based on who you are and who you are together, something not working? talk about it, still not working? Compromise still not working? Ask yourself whether the person you love is more important to you than the want that isn't being met. it really isn't rocket science.