This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| 5 Jul 11, 6:25 AM Rapunzel  UK(WC), 9 yrs   |
This question goes right to the heart of a d/s relationship and to what extent the dom can control the relationship that the sub can be unhappy with the result but still do it. My personal feeling is that d/s aside, relationships are about fairness and about both parties being in a situation they are broadly happy with, which will normally involve negotiation of some kind. If there is a fundamental disagreement in outlook - one is mono one poly for example - then you have a problem. However, if it is something like he may occasionally want to play with another person, it may not be so bad. It's all a question of degree and what those invoved are comfortable with. Just because you are the sub does not mean you have to willingly enter a situation that you *know* will make you unhappy. You still have free will. Explore a situation as much as you like but remember at the end of the day, you can decide. You retain that power yourself. Rapunzel- all round bad girl Fawcett Hall Lowewood Academy A Kinky Girl's Guide to Life Follow me on Twitter @FawcettHall (if you have nothing better to do!) | |
| 5 Jul 11, 6:27 AM Black0rchid UK, 2 yrs |
If you feel you can't cope with your master taking on another sub., then I would suggest you need to rethink your original idea of him as 'the perfect master'., because it doesn't sound the perfect set up from here. I only give myself to relationships if I think they could work. I'm not poly, so if it was said to me they could take on anyone else the bottom line is, I just wouldn't go there, because long term it would be storing up heartache I am not prepared to endure. | |
| 5 Jul 11, 7:38 AM DeathAlexix UK(HA), 17 mths |
Agreed | |
| 5 Jul 11, 7:49 AM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs  |
If he isn't prepared to commit to you why should you commit to him? Going into a relationship with someone who's poly is not going to be easy if you want mono. Some people crave and can cope with poly relationships, others can't and, for them, they're best avoided, in the long run. I have casual relationships... the subs know they're not the only one BUT.. if I were to find a perfect match; someone I felt I could be with as a life-time partner... I would be monogomous with them. It looks as though he isn't that worried about whether he continues to see you or not... is that what you want? If it isn't, walk away and (if he decides he doesn't want to lose you he will try to win you back), if he doesn't try you made the right choice, if he does, perhaps it will be under different terms. @The_Coven / @The_Problem_Page, you might give the advice that someone needs. / I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". / So many haystacks, so few needles! / Sorry is a meaningless word unless it is demonstrated, via actions or a change in behaviour, that it is meant. Edited 5 Jul 11, 7:55 AM by chartreuse | |
| 5 Jul 11, 8:35 AM alpinehappyfly UK, 2 yrs |
Have you considered just 'trying it out' for now? If what you want is commitment, and he can't give you that, but he seems perfect as your Dominant... why not just give it a go, but without promising your commitment. I'll also repeat the advice given already.. of talking to other subs in this situation. You don't know what the reality of being in this situation is.. and they do.. so talk to them, both the successful and unsuccessful ones. Find out why things are good, or why things are bad.. and make the decision for yourself. Another thing is.. since you can't talk to your vanilla friends about this. Make sure you have a good support network within this community. Not just here on the boards, but go to munches, make friends, get close to some of those friends and go out for meals/coffee/movies with them.. basically build yourself a network of friends you can go to when shit hits the fan and you can't go to your vanilla friends for support. | |
| 5 Jul 11, 8:46 AM ladybabe2 UK(SK), 6 yrs |
Hi if you compromise what you believe is right for you then slowly over time it will eat away at your self respect and self esteem, but have you also said if its good enough for him to take another sub at some time then its ok for you to take another dom? Although Master and I have other play partners our emotional attachment is to each other, and the rule is if any of the play partners threaten that bond then we cease to play with them, so is it the fear of him having play with others or the emotional attachment he could have to them which may or may not be stronger then his feelings for you.
Don't make them a priority, when they only make you an option... | |
| 5 Jul 11, 8:51 AM epona74 UK(SL), 7 yrs |
You've had some really interesting and balanced responses. At the end of the day, if there is a big cloud over a relationship, then that relationship ISN'T "perfect" for you. They might seem it compared to the others you've met, but that doesn't by any stretch of the imagination make them perfect, only better than the others in some areas. Now, there's absolutely nothing stopping you from remaining involved with this person for the experience, for some fun, to learn and as @alpinebutterfly said, to "taste test". But that requires that you don't allow yourself to get too emotionally involved yourself and it sounds as though it's already too late for that. If you're not naturally poly right now (whatever might happen in the future), then having such a thing happen in your relationship would be bound to create a lot of anguish and pain for you.
So it really does end up coming back to you again...can you cope with the idea of that level of pain at some stage in the future, for some immediate gratification now? Can you remain emotionally detached enough to JUST learn from the experience? Or are you better off walking away now and finding someone far better for you on ALL levels? Not an easy one! For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) | |
| 5 Jul 11, 9:15 AM pilsburyDB 19 mths |
A tricky one indeed! My situation for what it's worth... I'm not interested in playing with anyone else but my girl is bi, so I feel it'd be unfair to deny that side of her sexuality. Fortunately it's not the be all and end all for her but something I took on board when we got together. How did rubber ducky get stuck up there? | |
| 5 Jul 11, 9:31 AM valleyrose17 UK(BS), 2 yrs |
I have been in a poly relationship and I think it CAN work. For most people jealousy is all about the fear of loss and if you feel secure with your master then it shouldn't affect you. It is really nice to have someone who understands your master as well as you do and with whom you can discuss feelings and thoughts. Sometimes it just takes a little thought about why you are worried to lay it to rest - I never thought I could do it - and actually it really wasn't that hard. | |
| 5 Jul 11, 9:55 AM Shypeachybottom UK, 20 mths |
A friend of mine who is poly expressed it in an interesting way. He told me that it was unreasonable to expect a single woman to satisfy all of his needs, just like it would be unreasonable to expect a single friend to satisfy all your 'needs' for friendship. So he has various women in his life (female subs), each of whom responds to a different need or desire he has. Each of them knows about the others, and although they would prefer to be "the only one", they also know that they are secure in their own position, which makes the existence of the others bearable. I do say "bearable", in that I suspect in any poly relationship, there will be times when you want more of your partner - more of his time, of his attention. So it is getting your head around the fact that while you might be a priority for him, you will not be his *only* priority, and you won't be his top priority all of the time. That is not necessarily a bad thing, if it means you can feel "free" the rest of the time, but it really depends on your relationship and what you are looking for. Last thought is that you say you are newish to D/s. It is not entirely clear to me whether D/s for you is more of a play thing (in the bedroom), or a relationship thing (where you want the power exchange all the time). You need to figure that out. You also need to realise that because he is your first, he has no doubt exposed you to many sensations and emotions, and that may be colouring your judgment and leading you to conclude that he is perfect - just remember that you have no frame of reference, so he may be the best you have had thus far simply because he is the first and only, not because he is really "perfect" (besides, I don't believe anyone is "perfect"! are you?). So proceed with caution, speak to other female submissives in poly relationships, and be grateful that this Dom values you enough to be honest upfront about his needs and desires - you now need to figure out if your needs and desires are compatible with his. There's a somebody I'm longing to see, I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me |
