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on Mon 4 Jul 11, 9:19 PM to PhoenixAmber's blog.
A long time ago I wrote a blog about caning. I just about remember it and I can't find it now but it started a conversation between me and Eric which grew into something much bigger. I know that a while ago I also blogged about limits, and trust and all of those issues that get explored as you get past the initial 'shiny' of being new to the scene.
So for the best part of 18 months we have been discussing exploring limits, and caning (I am told) is easy to be very consistent with. I was always a little curious about limits as I don't really know where my far limits are, We often play close to what I think I can handle but I've never tested it.
Sunday saw the first part of exploring those limits. A simple set up really; me, something to bend over and a single cane. From there in rounds of 10 it was me V me in a mental journey to some unknown point of safe word.
I should explain that I have a safe word and I have now used it twice, both times the prior arrangement was to push me to the point of using it. It's not a natural thing for me to do, not out of some strong subbie urge to please but through Eric having an intimate knowledge of my reactions and me always wanting to push just a little but harder or further.
So at first I was really worried that it would be a very short session, Eric can be a devil with a cane! Once I realized this was not one of those days I actually relaxed into the feel and rhythm of the cane. About half way I needed a break to compose myself as the world was narrowing, I never was that good at controlling my breathing and I would have passed out if I panted much more.
That break helped the breathing but my focus had been shifted a little and the next few hurt, badly. There is a certain soreness that comes from repeated hits on the same spot which is totally different from the actual feel of the cane. One strike actually took my knees out from under me which was a new experience.
Eric was counting; I was just in the zone, in my own head. I got the shakes but only barely noticed then the tears came. Another strange thing was that I felt the feeling of the tears inside before I was crying, I felt the control slipping, the release and the helplessness of that bit of floodgate smashing open.
To be fair it wasn't much after that I caved and used that safe word. I once asked someone how you know when to safe word, she told me that when you can think of nothing but your safe word that is time to use it. Wise words but on this occasion I was surprised, I have spoken before my brain kicked in. I almost had no control of what I was saying. No thought, no planning s to speak, the words came out before I knew what I was doing.
And that was that, so to speak but I knew straight away that the limit I had broken through wasn't pain, it was emotional. I had lost my cool, had a moment of panic and reacted. Completely unexpected, my mental loss of control over my pain was the limit of acceptance of it. I haven't even started to figure out what that means or what I can do about it.
I felt for the last few strokes, so emotional, almost a feeling of being devastated; I felt the sob inside of me. Having said that, once I bailed out, I did cry but very quickly that was replaced with a feeling of something close to accomplishment. I was proud, I sometimes doubt myself and I realized in that moment that I have more in me than I see sometimes.
Far from being traumatized we ended up playing after cuddles and food. It was an amazing day, couldn't have gone better.
Photos? Believe me I don't think they would pass the legal pictures thing. I woke myself up every time I rolled over in bed last night. I look like I sat in a bucket of black/blue ink! Oh yea it hurt more this morning than anything hurt while I was being caned! I swear I will never complain about a hangover again!
I don't think that I have even started to process the lessons and realizations from the experience, and I can feel the drop trying to poke its way in, but I know that I feel more secure in myself, it has confirmed how secure we are as a couple and it will filter though into play. I'm not scared now of facing my limits, of pushing my barriers. I'm tougher than I thought and I'm not sure when my head is in the right place emotionally if my body could cope with my pain limits.
Having said that it all depends on what is being used. Simply put there is no way I would have got that close to any limit with a single tail without a lot of bondage LOL.
The most unexpected thing about the whole experience is how calm I feel, how grounded I am, at the risk of sounding flowery I have a certain 'inner peace' today. I was expecting fear and insecurity and being fragile.
It is all good though, I had a moment on Saturday where I could look back at where I started and then a day on Sunday where I realized what I was becoming, an amazing weekend.
Edited Mon 4 Jul 11, 9:23 PM by PhoenixAmber
