How do you deal with the money? (93)

I have a UK bank account with a nominal amount in it in my name for practical reasons. I then have my swedish account which he gives me a monthly allowance for groceries, petrol etc... This includes a 'buffer' amount incase something should happen where i need quick access to more money.

We don't have any joint accounts. When i was earning a wage i transferred my earnings into his account and then i would get an allowance. Now, as i work for his companies i don't currently earn a wage as such.

I'm still struggling with it because of previous experience with Thomas' passing (us not being married, only joint accounts in uk and sweden which lead to all assets frozen and a real nightmare not being next of kin). But that said, it is nice not having any bills to pay. I do however have a lot of insight into his accounts etc, due to invoicing, banking and accounting responsibilities i have in the companies

Just to clarify something. I am a housewife / working from home for his companies right now so in a way it does feel quite luxurious to be given an allowance (groceries etc...) every month, but i do in reality 'work' 12-14 hours most days to fulfil what he wants and expects from me. At the beginning of our relationship it was tough to give up this control to him as i had very little money, irregular working hours and unsure if i could stay here in Sweden due to this. So to give him all my money and take that leap of faith was a toughie.

Edited 25 Jun 11, 12:59 AM by janiya

In my first marriage there was no problem with it, we had a joint account (for bills) and our own personal accounts for anything else. We earned about the same amount each (yes, I am aware that I am talking about a vanilla relationship). It worked fine because we could trust each other.

My second marriage was another kettle of fish, altogether... I opened the account with some (thankfully not all) of my inheritance when both my parents had passed away and we both put money into the account. Initially I used to check the state of the account and, when all seemed to be fine (we were both putting money into it on a regular basis and nothing was coming out that I wasn't aware of), I relaxed and was less observant - BIG mistake! He earned twice as much as I did and matched the monthly amount I deposited into it... until he knew I wasn't "keeping a close eye on it" - it was then that he made large withdrawals from it (without my knowledge, thinking I could trust him) and spent it on goodness knows what... I never saw where it went and never benefitted from his covert spending. He stole from me and the bastard never repaid me!

People in a D/s relationship will be as honest/dishonest as they would be in a vanilla one... unfortunately, it was too late when I found out I had married a thief - he'd taken thousands in a matter of weeks!

I ended our relationship but was lumbered with the bills for things we'd bought on credit... I was daft enough to sign the credit agreements, thinking he was someone he wasn't.

It highlighted (to me) my naivity about the honesty of others... I was clearly a push-over for someone who was without scruples, I won't be again!

I KNOW I can trust myself... but I will never again be as sure of that about others, as I once was.

Seeking - @The_Coven profile, take a look. ____ Please drop by @The_Problem_Page - you might give the advice that someone needs. ____ I want the "Moon on a stick and the Stars suspended from bunting". ____ So many haystacks, so few needles!

Edited 25 Jun 11, 2:36 AM by chartreuse

I think with women having children, like myself, not having to work whilst caring for them for a good many years does have an effect. Then heading back to work, salaries are not on par for when you were working.

I returned to work after a 6-7 year period of caring for my child, going through a divorce then having to go back to work. The only work I could pursue was part-time as I had to think of the welfare of my child.

Having no family around to help, I managed to get a job, work hard and am now back at work full-time, as my child is at University.

I may not earn a fortune, but I have my own home, pay for everything and am happy.

"Please forgive me for my sins, Yes, I swam dirty waters, But you pushed me in"

No man would want to run our finances anyway as therea are business things, lots of payments every day, school fees and heaps of financial stuff and I am good at it and like it. However I always get drawn to threads like this because it is definitely erotic to give up control and nothing in this culture symbolises that so much as giving up money. Erotice but often stupid of course. Perhaps it's the riskiest risk play of all - to move in with someone give up your work and they don't marry you nor make any financial provision for you... that's a very risky situation IF you had much of a job. If you were never likely to earn much than the minimum wage which is baout £13k a year full time then it's not risky at all and very wise and poor girls who will never earn much at all do it wisely all the time.

Depending on the relationship, I have earned less than my partner, comparable to my partner, or more than my partner. So I think I can honestly say a dom's current earnings would not in and of itself make him more or less attractive to me.

However.. (there is a but)... I need to look up to and respect my dom, and that tends to mean that he is very bright and has some degree of drive and ambition. So if he was earning less than me or not earning at all, the reason for the differential would be very important. If he was earning less because he wanted to be a "kept man" or was a lazy sod (lazy either physically or intellectually), that would absolutely not work for me. But if he was earning less than me because he had lost his job or could't work, or because he was retraining to do a different job, or because his job just involved a lower salary, that would be fine.

So in that sense, a significant difference in our salaries might in some cases indicate a more fundamental incompatibility between our personalities and aspirations, and that is what I would look at more closely, not the difference in salaries itself.

There's a somebody I'm longing to see, I hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood, I know I could always be good, to one who'll watch over me (Ella Fitzgerald)

Delegating control of key portions of your life is kinda fun and all, but when the world is in such a fucked-up state because of people's widespread willingness to be intimidated by the obfuscatory leveraging of money - which is our ultimate expression of resource, and all - then it's something I actually have a conscience about.

You're crap with money, and just want me to make it all go away? Fuck off. Get some knowledge and self-discipline. You're basically asking me to do your dishes for you, because you're too lazy.

Want to get some knowledge and self-discipline over money? Now that's something I'd be happy to help with.

And you're awesome at money, but still want to hand over control of it? Hot as fuck.

Like everything in kink, for me, it always comes down to contrasts. Universe of difference between a process and a dynamic.

There are huge numbers of tales of people (male and female) who hook up with unsuitable people on line and end up sending money to a serial fraudster so it's certainly an area to be very very careful about (if you have any money and most people don't really have much money).

In a lot of cultures women do manage money. The old English working class cultures wives took theirs if they had one and their husband's earnings and doled him out pocket money for Friday night drinks and managed the rest so the children could be fed. Japanese housewives do the same. On the other hand in Victorian England married women couldn't even own property at all.

I certainly think giving up any control over finances or a job for a partner is something that should be done very very far down the line if at all and with protection in place.

We battled for a long time to find a happy medium - it has gone right down to the petty level of who buys the groceries (because neither of us eats what the other does - we both disapprove of each other's diets). I am fiercely independent, have always been financially self-sufficient, and battle to let anyone else support me. He would be more than happy for me not to work; but there is no way I could see myself asking anyone else for money to buy things. I want control of my own disposable income. When the time came that I had to help him financially for a short while, we both hated it fiercely - it was a real happiness-killer.

Now, I take cash from him every week, and I control the joint account. We have both found it a form of asymmetric power; some parts of that we enjoy, others are an ongoing trial. Sometimes I mourn for the chance to lean on him more heavily in terms of controlling our finances.

But what I have found is that, in other areas of our life together, I have leaned on him and I adore him so much for that - he takes charge, and I can just let go and be "the little woman".

We are truly switch, I guess

"To Rample: the ability to reduce a man to helplessness through a chilly sensuality" (Barry Norman, about Charlotte Rampling)

Who earns the most is a non-issue for us, I earn more than he does at the moment, but it has been the other way around in the past and may be again in the future. Whatever the case both our earnings add to to 'our money'. I tend to keep a fairly good grip on the finances using budget software, though we both have input onto what the budget is. We both see this - so I see what he spends money on and vice versa.

You could say I have control over the finances but really its more like transparency.

I suppose if I was financially beholden to a female partner it might have a bearing on the Dominance aspect of the relationship.

Affluent female sub's are welcome to apply , I wouldn't hold it against them.

Fitz.

Escaped from the parallel universe