Expressing Frustrations (7)

Example. My sub was very frustrated at me splatting jam over most of the kitchen (in my wisdom, I used a blender in a shallow pan full of hot jam). He was cleaning the kitchen and repeatedly mentioned how I should avoid it and that I should wipe it up straight away to avoid a possible ant infestation.

I said I'd heard him but that it can be unavoidable to make a mess in the kitchen (I'm not the tidiest of people when cooking or baking). He was frustrated, I was calm. He had another little strop. I stayed calm and continued to make the point that I'd heard and understood him. But that I wouldn't necessarily not do it again. Which riled him somewhat, but I think he realises that I don't want ant in the house either but that I will not turn into Little Miss Perfect in the kitchen either.

Like all relationships, even O&P ones, there is some give and take required in order to balance the power imbalance.

“During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act” - George Orwell
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^^ this makes a lot of sense to me.

I think it also depends what the cause of the "frustration" is. Is it something relatively trivial or something important? Is it something that matters to the dominant, or simply an oversight on their part or an error or is it a deliberate action?

And key I think is what is the submissive's reaction - frustration, hurt, anger, disappointment, etc - and how is it expressed (including when and to whom). And also, taking a step back - is the reaction proportionate/disproportionate and appropriate/inappropriate compared to the event that triggers the reaction?

I know that in some past vanilla relationships, at times I have let myself become dispropotionately frustrated & irritated by something not that important, and been quite bratty about it (and been aware that I was being bratty and was almost trying to get a reaction). I find that in a D/s relationship, my behaviour is different and I am not as bratty (or when I am it is because something matters a lot), no doubt because I am clear on what my partner's reaction would be...

Sorry, not being very coherent so will now sit back and read the next posts with interest!

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I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood, I know I could always be good, to one who'll watch over me (Ella Fitzgerald)

~* Raku wa ku no tané; ku wa raku no tané. *~

What became apparent in talking about it at that session was that we have two conflict resolution styles going on for when I'm upset/annoyed with her behaviour. For anything which is directly related to her rules, I'll simply punish her for the bad behaviour as soon as is appropriate. Generally this means more or less immediately, but if we're in public or I'm just really pissed off and want to make a thing of it then I'll wait until later.

For more general things I've tended to handle them on a more "vanilla" level, and to sit down and discuss whatever it is that's been frustrating me. In hindsight, this doesn't work for us. It was blurring the lines of our dynamic and led to discussions where I would end-up feeling like everything was actually my fault, with the fact we'd approached the discussion as equals meaning that the lightbulb didn't go off in my head to realise that of course it's "my fault" simply because the relationship is all within my control. We've therefore decided to try a new approach which is more consistently based on me telling her what to do and punishing her if she doesn't in all aspects of our relationship.

On the flip side, when she's frustrated with me about something, she comes and speaks to me about, and I either accept the comments or tell her to accept it because I'm not changing whatever she's concerned about.

"Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace." - Oscar Wilde

"There are no gains without pains" ~Benjamin Franklin

Perhaps the different styles in which males and females usually adress problems or frustrations should be taken into account when adressing this subject.

As I think a lot of women experience.... sometimes you just need to be able to talk, to vent, to get it out of your system... and you actually dont need a solution or a change...

Somebody (typically your best -female- friend) listening and uttering appropriate yet neutral sounds like "hmmm", "go on", "I understand" and the likes, usually is enough for *any* frustration to disappear into thin air.

In some ways, this is the absolute opposite of the dynamics in a D/s. Cause, I guess, a lot of male Doms would percieve it as whining or something like that, or probably as "topping from the bottom". And, upon that, it would sort of clash with being responsible (= offering a solution or making a change), the fact that a Dom wants to be in control of his' subs feelings, and (hopefully) wants his sub to be happy within that control.

But, IMO, any Dom that understands this need to vent (obviously within reasonable limits and in a respectful way), without even trying to offer a solution or change anything, would probably have much lesser problems in the long turn, and perhaps in doing that, would even install a deeper control (cause the sub feels that she can open up and is safe in doing so).

I know, I know, huge generalisation... but still.

"Class is the impartial, consistent display of emotional integrity."

Edited 22 Jun 11, 10:33 AM by othyim

If there are fundamental problems it's best to talk about them but I don't find that easy to raise. Sometimes it's easier for me if I write about it rather than moan about it verbally. Then he (when there is a he) can think about it and decide what to do if anything.

What I hate is if I feel in control. I say X and he does it. I need someone who is clearly in charge.

In our marriage I thnk we just got more used to each other as time when on and more similar in terms of how things were done. It's like owners supposedly getting to be like their dogs or vice versa.

I also I don't like a man just sulking. If I've done something wrong tell me and I'll put it right or make amends.

There is such scope for sub manipulation if there is too much discussion over every last little thing. It's getting that balance between dom doing what is best for both of you as a couple and fulifilling responsibilities to the sub whilst not letting her twist him round her little finger like some sort of lap dog.