Am I being a too-sensitive "slut"? (22)

So choice carry on and get real it is only fun or get out find two lovers who know about each other xxxxx

You drifted into a "relationship".

He wont commit as if he does another partner for you will fuck his head up, hence he treats it as casual. Which it is.

I think both of you accept this on various levels, you cant claim to want more with him as if he committed to you he would be fully exposed, mentally and emotionally, to your poly needs.

You both want something the other half cant deliver.

You will carry on as it suits your dynamic, he will carry on maybe hoping you change until he dumps you, either through stress, fall out of love or other options.

Just being honest.

To me its always seemed to be about that saying 'are we singing from the same hym book?' (At least I think thats a saying). and, if you're not singing in tune with someone, no amount of turning a deaf ear to the fact will make you be in harmony.

Harmony has to be worked at,it does take practice - its not necessarily something that comes naturally, just because it looks effortless from the outside, if you know what I mean.

Harmony is hard work. But its nice to feel its not a one-sided effort on your part - that you are being understood, not misunderstood.

Personally I measure my relationships in how well I am understood, and am understanding, how accepted I feel and how capable of acceptance I feel in return, and how prepared I am to be challenged, and to learn - and to teach. Its these feelings that make a relationship good or bad to me. I mean 'good for me' or 'bad for me'.

You know...if you say to someone 'how shall we fix this problem?', and they say 'what problem?'...then you know you've got a problem.

"Yet I rejoice in the great harm done me, for this reason only, that I am more mine being yours, than were I mine." - Michelangelo

I think it's the word 'slut' that has those connotations, not 'poly', but I do agree about the title of that book.

IMO most (non poly) people don't know (or care probably) enough about poly to have a valid opinion...

No.

As others have said, there seems to be a big difference in your attitudes about poly lifestyle. He doesn't need to suddenly become poly, but I can't see how things can work out longer term if he doesn't at least accept you as you are.

It's hard to know how those comments were intended. I don't know the guy & maybe he's just not good at expressing himself. What they do suggest is a lack of understanding about poly. If he can't accept your other partner & you're having to censor yourself all the time, then it really doesn't look good to me...

376, xxx.

"Life at its best is a creative synthesis of opposites in fruitful harmony" - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
- William Dement

Yes...I meant that using "slut" in the title doesn't help at all. It is eye-catching, but certainly doesn't promote it in a positive way. Particularly since it is a book which is recommended to explain poly to non-poly people. Imagine giving it to your mother! Or a partner you were just introducing the concept to...

It changes it from..."I have a need which needs to be fulfilled", or "I care deeply about someone but love you too" to "I just want to shag anyone who looks at me".

Min, it isn't really off-topic because you don't really know how much influence that had on the conversation. He could be really uncomfortable, but trying to say "it's ok to be a slut" in a really cack-handed way. Because, if you think about it.....if you weren't a slut, why would you be reading a book called the ethical slut, and slut must not be a bad word - like we call ourselves perverts...

Point being...I really doubt he thinks you are a slut. Because having 2 longer term relationships is hardly being a slut, is it? And we might all be being a bit unfair when he was just trying to look cool and make slut jokes.

But as the others have said, it sounds as though he needs to sort out the integration.issues. Because censoring, keeping people apart, etc will put a strain on. You are supposed to enjoy being with each other.

@Play_Space - Next party is Friday, June 17 from 930 - 3 am. Info found here: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/301137/0/... Road Trip to the Sea!!! Next tentatively planned in October.....Just elapsed...More info here:http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/305429/0/...

Most people haven't a clue, they haven't even got a clue about the fact they haven't a clue.

In between your breasts and your tuppence there's a handy place. Trust it.

“The truth is not for all men, but only for those who seek it.” Ayn Rand

I think the "slut" comments were probably him showing his hurt and knew the comments would hurt you.

You need to assess all of this and really think if its all worth it. If you cant give him what he wants/needs, then maybe you should call it quits and both move on.

This may mean not seeing each other at all, not even texting until wounds have healed and heads have settled. No one wants to think about things, but for you both to be happier i think it needs to be done

Of course, I would be logically biased to my own advice, (haha), but there are a lot of different aspects to relationships and a lot of obstacles sometimes. You can't just throw someone away so easily, can you? Over what? Something that we don't even know the truth of (because we can't read his mind and intentions).

Life is a balance - good and bad, happy and sad. Hopefully the happy outweighs the sad - it should anyway. if it doesn't, then examine what is throwing the scales off. But you wouldn't away everything if you don't have to, would you? Unless you aren't that bothered to begin with....or it becomes more trouble than it's worth. If it is THAT easy to decide to call it a day, then maybe it IS time. =-$

I agree with the Victorian, though - listen to your heart. Don't listen to us. We don't even KNOW the guy - we can only relate what you said to our OWN personal histories and to people in OUR pasts, who were probably arses. That is hardly fair on your bloke, is it?

Here's a hug for the day, though. xx

@Play_Space - Next party is Friday, June 17 from 930 - 3 am. Info found here: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/301137/0/... Road Trip to the Sea!!! Next tentatively planned in October.....Just elapsed...More info here:http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/305429/0/...

I would still see him today, have a lovely time, and then bring it up gently that it hurt your feelings a bit, and could he bare that in mind next time.

If the relationship/friendship starts to have lots of elements of snidey remarks designed to hurt you, then time to end it as you want different things.

He will think that you don't want to be with him, and only him, because there is something wrong with him as far as you concerned... if you loved him more etc. Because of this he may start finding ways, unintentionally maybe, of hurting you back. From my experience it is very difficult for people to understand that you can truly love more than one person, unless they have experienced it for themselves.