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| Ima_Kant |
on Thu 19 May 11, 12:55 PM to Ima_Kant's blog.
The second longest suicide note in history.
That's the title I have finally decided on for the story of my life… my sad, unfulfilled and shameful little life… a life I have often thought about ending.
However, I shan't be killing my worthless self in the near future so there's no need to concern yourselves about that; or more likely, pretend to concern yourselves… you see, I understand human nature now… now, when it's fucking too late.
Anyway, there is a strong possibility (backed by the medical profession) that I may 'pop my clogs' during the writing and posting of this but that will be down to nature or if you are of a religious persuasion: He-Who-Moves-In-A-Mysterious-Facking-Way. I shall apologise in advance for that should it happen… hang on a minute… why the fuck am I apologising for me dying unexpectedly… I mean, none of you will probably be the slightest bit interested in my autobiography (spot the subtle challenge) so what does it matter anyway.
Thinking about death (everybody has to have a hobby) I have often speculated about how I will depart this world… my money is on a heart attack since both my parents went that way with falling off my bike or drowning the next most likely ways of shuffling off this mortal coil.
Actually, just recently I have wondered if I might get murdered or killed in a fight as I seem to have a lot more people who hate me than I realised – I do seem to spend a lot of time avoiding certain individuals when I go out shopping. Funny enough I was chatting to an old school colleague outside Superdrug on Monday when we heard shouting; at first we thought it was a bit of boisterous banter but then this fella – who was fat, bald and suited – took off his sunglasses, handed them to his mate and then confronted this other guy, who was slim with long blond hair, with the words: 'You calling me a facking grass… I ain't no facking grass… you facking kant… I'll take you facking round the corner mate…' The blond hair bloke laughed and then when he realised he was serious punched him on the side of his shaven bald head. At this juncture I wanted to get my camera out – would have been a good one for YouTube – but feared that I might get chased down the High Street by a load of yobs so didn't. Matey who had been punched spewed out a few more expletives and then carried on walking up the street… presumably to sign on at the Job Centre. Quite a few drinkers from The Castle public house then spilled out onto the pavement to see what was happening but there was no more action to be had so continued with my journey downtown whilst chatting to John (not his real name). I remember saying to him that Ryde seemed to be getting evermore scumbags to which he agreed. He replied that the whole country was getting like that to which I suggested, rather wittily I thought, that instead of calling Britain the United Kingdom we could rename it: The Chav Blighted Kingdom – he didn't laugh.
After I left John I bumped into Bev (not her real name) who informed me that someone had hanged themselves from Ryde Pier – they had been found about five in the morning. I then recounted the tale of the fight (if one punch actually constitutes a fight) that had taken place a few minutes earlier. She responded by saying: 'Ryde's getting so full of riff raff… never used to be like that when we were younger.' I agreed with her then cracked my joke about 'The Chav Blighted Kingdom' – she didn't laugh.
As I finally started on my way home who should I espy but Camille (not her real name) and her boyfriend Liam (not his real name) – I couldn't fucking believe it… I also wondered if there may be trouble as there was last time we met in Ryde High Street. Okay, it's a bit of a long story but Camille is the daughter of one of the bus drivers, she's twenty two now and has a child of about two who wasn't with them, and about seven years ago I went out with her mother who didn't inform her. About five years ago, out of spite after I found out that her mother was slagging me off, I told Camille that her mother and I had been an item for nine months – she went ballistic. It caused a few problems but eventually the dust settled after I sent Camille a card and a W. H. Smith voucher… I did kind of regret it. But that was only just the beginning as several individuals saw fit to stir it up for a variety of motives and this culminated in Camille storming down to Ryde Esplanade, where I was working on the Dotto Train, and accusing me loudly of: 'Calling me mum a psychopath!' I was gobsmacked as I had never said that – her mother was indeed many things: an ageing flirt, a game player, a gold digger and totally untrustworthy (not that I had bothered about that when I was shagging her)… but a psychopath… no, I hadn't labelled her that. I asked Camille who had told her that and she wouldn't answer but I did work out eventually what had happened… and why. What I think occurred is this (99% certain): This other bus driver, Reynolds (not his real name) and a predator, took a fancy to Camille who was in a shaky relationship with the father of her child and befriended her in order to bed her. Now apparently at one time Camille had had a crush on me – I never knew this at the time and even if I had I wouldn't have taken advantage of the fact… trust me… I wouldn't. However, Reynolds felt the need to rubbish me in order to gain kudos with Camille and the 'psychopath' accusation derives from a bizarre source: Camille's mother and my long term partner share the same Christian name though spelt differently it's pronounced the same. After I split from my long term partner I sometimes, though hurting badly underneath, would make jokes about our relationship in a Les Dawson kind of way. One of the gags I would come out with in the restroom was: 'Having a row with my ex one day I accused her of being schizophrenic… worst mistake I ever made as both of her personalities turned on me then!' Okay I admit that it's not that funny… okay it's not funny at all. Now…. what I think is that Reynolds heard me say that… got the wrong woman (because their names were identical) and then mistook psychopath for schizophrenic when he recounted it to Camille and that is the root of the problem. If Camille was to understand this then there would be no friction… I think. That's not the whole story (others have stirred it too) but Camille hates me (Juki thinks she may still be jealous because of the crush) and has shouted at us in the street calling us 'weirdo's' since we were outed.
So… when I pass Camille she shoots me a 'Drop Dead' look but fortunately chooses to say nothing. I'm not that worried about her but Liam looks a nasty bit of work and would probably like nothing more than to impress her by duffing up an old man – I really don't need this kind of stress at my time of life.
I have digressed… tomorrow or the day after I'll start on my life story… it'll cheer you up.
Oh yes… why I have chosen to title it: The Second Longest Suicide Note in History. Well the longest suicide note in history, according to Dennis Healey apparently, was the 1983 Labour Manifesto… and I'd really hate to outdo the Labour Party… really.
| 19 May 11, 1:49 PM Grownup_Frankie UK, 4 yrs |
Its a sunny day. You are alive. I know lots of dead people who would probably change places with you. Even if it was a rainy day. Go - go now, go feel the sun on your face, while there is still time and breath left in you. If you should get punched in the face by a passing stranger while doing so then just put it down to some kind of weird karma. Always remember - be careful what you wish for. "Yet I rejoice in the great harm done me, for this reason only, that I am more mine being yours, than were I mine." - Michelangelo | |
| 19 May 11, 1:55 PM Betony UK, 7 yrs |
How about a card and a Whs voucher for Liam. 'I'm somewhat contemptuously convinced that sentimentality is the refuge of those without genuine emotions' Nigella Lawson | |
| 19 May 11, 2:15 PM tallulahme UK, 2 yrs |
Well I like you, And I would be sad. XXX Do you have to be the ice queen intellectual or the slut whore? Isn't there some way to be both? - Susan Saranden | |
| 19 May 11, 3:47 PM Ima_Kant UK(PO), 3 yrs |
Sound advice GUF... I shall take it! Thanks
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| 19 May 11, 3:47 PM Ima_Kant UK(PO), 3 yrs |
He'd be better with a B&Q voucher... he won't be getting his tin of paint back!!!!
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| 19 May 11, 3:51 PM Ima_Kant UK(PO), 3 yrs |
Thanks T... I don't intend on going soon... and I'm sure we'll meet up for a coffee in the not too distant future as well. Not been the best couple of days so prob a bit down... nothing a machine gun and a stroll down the High Street won't cure! xxx
Edited 19 May 11, 3:52 PM by Ima_Kant | |
| 19 May 11, 9:46 PM geoff917 UK(CO), 3 yrs |
Stop all this popping your clogs bollocks NOW!!..besides, you cant do that till I have made my way to the IOW to meet you and Juki first!!
"In order to finish first, you must first finish".....Roger Penske | |
| 19 May 11, 10:52 PM Ima_Kant UK(PO), 3 yrs |
Oh... alright then Geoff... I'll hang on especially for you!!!
I really must get some questions prepared for your quiz... you do remember the rules about what happens to you when you say the wrong answer... now then where's my book on quantum mechanics?
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