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| relaxed1 |
on Tue 17 May 11, 1:17 PM to relaxed1's blog.
It was bothering me the other day, as things so often do, and set me wondering. A thread on IC was asking something along the lines of “should a Dom have tried subbing, so that he understands how it feels” - I'm undoubtedly paraphrasing, but the gist is there.
There seemed to be no consensus on the thread, and to some extent it went off at a tangent with things like “what about switches?” and such like. So I thought I'd throw in my two penn'orth.
If you are a Dom, you are a Dom. If you are a sub, you are a sub. That, to me, is all there is to it. I am not ignoring or dismissing switches, but I have no framework within which to understand them. When I was 'finding' myself, I wondered if I could be a sub, and to be honest it scared me witless. The very idea of ceding control to someone else felt so alien that it made me feel sick to my very core.
I think the problem is that too many people are too intolerant of that which they don't understand – so they dismiss it. I had a disconcerting experience with a sub once when she complained about how firm I was being with a flogger; it hurt her and I had misjudged her pain tolerance. In an attempt to demonstrate to her how perception of pain is very variable, I instructed her to use it on me. This threw her into a tail-spin. She said it felt wrong. I never did get a straight answer from her as to why a direct instruction from a Dom to do, well, anything should feel wrong.
I am a bit of a masochist. I enjoy pain. Not as much as I enjoy causing it, and it doesn't give me the same sexual thrill as causing pain does, but I enjoy it. So I know that I am a sadistic dominant with masochistic tendencies. Labels, labels. They mean so much and so little.
But to return to my theme. Being a Dom is who and what I am. Experiencing what a sub goes through gives me no insight whatsoever into the experience that a sub feels. Talking with a sub does give me some idea of what she feels, but it can only be an insight, never an understanding – just as a sub can never understand what it feels to be a Dom.
I can talk with my girl endlessly, and I do but I know, as she knows, that we can never understand how the other experiences the dynamic, the power-exchange. And that is enough for us. She knows that she is my girl, she knows that I will care for her and never let her come to any harm. I know that in return I have her loyalty and trust. I know that she will not betray her submission. She knows that I will not betray her trust in me. We understand each other in a way that makes detailed lists of like and dislikes irrelevant. That understanding is implicit and explicit. We share a belief in D/s that makes anything else irrelevant.
| 17 May 11, 1:49 PM Souci_X UK(BA), 5 yrs |
I completely agree,it is the same as when people talk about experience, its all well and good but just because someone has had lots of other relationships doesn't mean they know me you start afresh with each person you meet. I actually become a little wary when people talk about how skilled they are because often they are talking about hitty things, which can translate to being overly hard. I don't think that trying out subbing or domming will really help anything, certainly not the motivations. There are things you can do such aas try phycial positions to see what they feel like but even that doesn't take into account the fact that everyone has different bodies. | |
| 17 May 11, 3:03 PM relaxed1 UK(BR), 6 yrs |
Spot on. Experience counts for nowt until/unless you know the person. Anyone who thinks differently can be very dangerous. The only thing that experience teaches is how little you know - if, of course, you are prepared to learn. "A man who does not think for himself does not think at all." - Oscar Wilde | |
| 17 May 11, 3:40 PM Lj_switch UK, 3 yrs  |
I'm not trying to derail the thread - honestly! As a switch, I can see the benefit of knowing what something FEELS like. It depends a lot on where you are in the D/s continuum. My Lady is also a switch, and our play doesn't include a serious D/s role for either of us, if you want labels then She is Domme/bottom, and I am Top/sub/bottom. So perhaps you will appreciate we don't fit the defined Dom(me)/sub characters, and therefore cannot, like the OP, imagine anythng different, but for different reasons. However, we both know what a particular flogger/cane/crop/bondage/sensation/pain FEELS like, and this helps us match what we inflict on the other with what we wish to achieve, and what they will enjoy. Our play is essentially a pleasure-exchange, not a power-exchange, so the effect of what we are doing is important. My Lady hasn't an ounce of submission in her, but she enjoys being a bottom, so if I try to set up a scene where I am Dom and she is sub, it simply won't work. On the other hand, reversing the roles, I can indeed be a sub to her, should she choose to set the scene up that way. For someone like the OP, I can understand the inability to see, or want to see, how the other role feels, although I think it is not only worthwhile, but can enhance the skills, if the Dom(me) does know what things FEEL like. be a switch, double your fun | |
| 17 May 11, 5:34 PM lisal 9 yrs |
I can see the arguement about impact play - although I would say that you only know how it feels to you - you don't know how it feels to someone else I am much less convinced about the D/s side (not talking about what you said in this post - but in the thread the OP is thinking of) where someone said that she knew many doms who had subbed to find out what it was like. That's bottoming and isn't getting into the mindset of a sub at all As I've said before the domme that can get best into my head is someone who has never subbed or switched. She got to know me and is very intuitive. It may well be, of course, that this goes so well because we get on so well but I can only talk about my experience I must say I very much agree with the OP Edited 17 May 11, 5:40 PM by lisal |
