This post is on the Other BDSM web board.
| Fri 13 May 11, 10:34 AM Pheonix_Ian 3 yrs |
I was trying to do this without resorting to ask advice on here mainly because I felt upset over the incident. However now I feel I have no choice. I was playing with someone in public when my concentration lapsed for a second. Although I didn't hit her hard, I hit her in a very sensitive spot (not dangerous) but she was crying and it seriously upset me. Its unfortunately now causing me problems, the guilt I'm feeling has multiplied recently and it has triggered past problems and escalating them. This is the first time anything has gone seriously wrong and I did not expect this. I'm not wanting sympathy and I'm not wanting to be slaughtered over it for those who saw the incident (I'm doing the second myself) I just need genuine advice on how to bring this guilt under control. | |
| 13 May 11, 10:34 AM Pheonix_Ian 3 yrs |
I am seeing a doctor over other problems next tuesday. | |
| 13 May 11, 10:39 AM Grasshopper UK(SE), 2 yrs  |
As somebody who didn't something equally if not more boneheaded recently, my advice is to keep in frequent contact with the person you were playing with. Check up on them, make sure they're feeling alright and if they forgive you, listen to them. It's going to suck for a bit, but it does pass. Bit like indigestion. Basically as I am seeink it, Ray, the problem is that you are not callink your girlfriend for five months. You see, the hot babies like to feel wanted. If you are not callink them on the phone for a while, it is like a way of saying "you are worst song, played on ugliest guitar" | |
| 13 May 11, 10:50 AM Rubberwitch UK(HA), 4 yrs |
Having also done something similar (which led to a couple of predatory cunts trying to put a blade into the crack this caused in the relationship), here are some tips that worked for us. Appologise. It doesn't destroy your domliness to admit when you're wrong. It's just manning up, and you should be respected more for it. Do not concentrate on the problem, only the solution. Solve the problem, and then cement that it's been solved. give your sub some open time to say whatever's on their mind. Then pick yourself up and carry on. much better than festering fears, on both people's parts | |
| 13 May 11, 10:54 AM journerotica UK(GL), 18 mths |
Have you been able to, or can you, talk to her about it? We all make mistakes occasionally, subs do understand that. I've done it, I chat to my sub afterwards and just tell him if something unintentional happened that I didn't mean to hit him there. In the same way he tells me if he found something particularly difficult so I can make informed decisions about whether to do it again. At the end of the day it was a finite period of pain for her, these things should be closed out by communication at the time. You haven't (i assume) caused any lasting damage, instead of concentrating on guilt put focus on ensuring it doesn't happen again whether that means only playing in a less distracting environment or getting a cushion out and practising your aim. Dwelling on what happened does nothing, use it as an opportunity to improve yourself. Visit my blog - www.journerotica.com | |
| 13 May 11, 10:56 AM anne_marie  UK(SE), 5 yrs |
your profile and blog show you as sub. Why were you hitting someone ? Your weblog although a year out of date
my bold - seems you have become your own worst fear. Maybe this is where your guilt is coming from, that you have become that which you feared the most. ps Could you maybe update your profile if your orientation has changed ? If the above post upsets you please contact xAdamx He will punish me even if you are an idiot and I am trying to put you straight. Please note I will enjoy said punishment. | |
| 13 May 11, 10:58 AM anncat UK(ST), 7 yrs  |
It is very hard I am sure, but you just need to move on from it. Apologise of course and hope she understands, there are always risks in play and sometimes these things just happen. I was very badly hurt by my Master once, purely by accident, we both took it very hard and I think that is one of the main reasons we split up.... I completely forgave him, but I don't think he forgave himself. Guilt isn't productive and solves nothing whatsoever, just makes you feel bad.
Everybody makes mistakes Ann | |
| 13 May 11, 10:59 AM Muzzlehatch UK(TN), 7 yrs  |
A couple of things spring to mind. How did you deal with the incident at the time? Did that end the session, or was it dealt with and play continued? Could just be a case of 'get back on the horse'! Plenty of people aim to produce crying within play. So that in itself isn't the worse thing in the world (some would be delighted to have found 'the spot'). If you just walked away, recriminations because you've 'blown it' would seem natural. Plenty of communication may salvage something. If not, learn from your mistake, and move on.
Owner of The Croppery Dungeon and Breakfast. Organises The St Leonards munch. | |
| 13 May 11, 11:09 AM epona74 UK(SL), 7 yrs |
Everyone's human Everyone makes mistakes Recriminations don't help anyone-yourself or the person you were wielding things at Looking at what went wrong, learning from it and moving on will Accepting that no matter how much you'd like to be, you're not perfect and sometimes things'll go tits up will be a really important part of this. No one learned to walk or talk the very first time they tried, but we didn't just stop trying and beat ourselves up over it! We learned from our mistakes, and eventually we walked or asked for the ketchup! For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) | |
| 13 May 11, 11:10 AM Incandescence UK, 3 yrs |
We're often much harder on ourselves when we feel bad/guilty about somethign we've done. And nothing that anyone else says or does can make us feel any worse than we do already. Unfortunately, normally there's nothing anyone else can do or say to make us feel better either. That's part of a process that we have to through and the forgiveness has to come from within ourselves. As others have said, you're only human, we all make mistakes and we all get over it and move on, eventually. This probably won't be the last time something like this will happen. I've made pretty big gaffs twice while playing (and loads of other - sometimes bigger - ones in my relationship(s) in general) and I really did beat myself up about them. You just have to realise that it wasn't intentional, you feel remorce for it and you can only try your best not to make similar mistakes in the future. The forgiveness of the other person involved does help too, but you really need to forgive yourself and draw a line under it. Obviously some things are more difficult to do that with than others and it can take a long time. I'd say try not to think about what might have happened (i.e. the worst case scenario) but forcus on the fact that no real, lasting damage was done and see it as a learning curve for you. Striving to better, oft we mar what's well. ~William Shakespeare, King Lear, 1605 | |
| 13 May 11, 11:12 AM RedRoses UK(HD), 13 mths |
I had a pretty horrific incident occur to me a couple of years ago whilst playing with a Dom. It very nearly ended in disaster. I did not blame him (though he felt terrible for ages). I think we all know (or should) that there is a risk of something going wrong. I think thats part of the attraction... the edginess to it all... Don't keep kicking yourself there is no point. Just do what you can to make your sub feel safe again. I agree with Rubberwitch.. apologies do not detract from your domliness.. in fact I would have more respect for someone who can apologise and ensure I felt OK. It would show I was right in my choice and picked someone with dominant qualities not arrogant qualities. |
