Dominance or Abuse? (51)

As some may know my husband and I are exploring a D/s dynamic together and he said something the other day that made me think.

Having realised my submissiveness sexually and a little into 'everyday' life too, my husband is now heading in that direction with me, as we learn how to make this work for us.

I was just wondering if I could get some advice from you guys about the following. The thing is he has control in the bedroom, which is great. The other morning though I wasn't feeling particularly in the mood and he was. Ok, I thought...this is fine...do as I am told and let him enjoy himself.

The thing was I wasn't sure how I was meant to 'be'. Should I be 'ooohing' and 'aaahhhing'? Should I lay there like a muppet and let him go at it? Should I engage or not? (To engage would have been difficult, it was very early in the morning and I was half asleep).

Does being submissive mean acting like you like something for the sake of your Dom or if you are not in the mood do you let him just do what he wants and you lay there and think of England?

The other thing was that when I approached him afterwards about the fact I didn't enjoy the sex (in our pre-d/s days it would have been important to make sure we were both enjoying ourselves)he said 'I don't care if you were enjoying it, I did and that's what matters'. Part of me thought this was hot and 'domly', the other part made me think...'oh thanks!' - with a hint of sarcasm - and then alarm bells rang.

I just wondered if anyone else experiences this kind of thing and what others thoughts are on this?

Please don't flame. I am just asking advice and like I said, we are just working our way through this and seeing what comes up and where it leads us.

Thanks

V x

While i dont have any facts on this, i suspect quite a lot of women (especially vanilla women) will just have sex for their partners even though they dont really enjoy it because its just easier for them. To me that kind of thing is just something you might do in a relationship, even though you dont feel like it, like doing the dishes.

However, if you ever get to the point where you're being forced *against your will*, i'd call that abuse.

So i know its not really answering your question but if you're just sort of indifferent towards it, i'd say its part of pleasing your dom. I think if you were being abused, it would be clear to you.

First thought is you need to discuss this with him.

It is one of those complicated things. As the submissive, it is actually his pleasure that matters I would say and so, in your example, you should grin and bear it.

However, for it to work long term, he needs to also make sure it works for you because no one is altruistic (if you never get anything out of it, you will get fed up). For some subs (and possible most slaves), pleasing their dom is enough, but I think for most, we also at least occasionally want some of what we like, and a wise dom will give you enough of what you want mixed in with a lot of what he wants so that it works for *both* of you overall (even if at any one time it might be all about him).

Key though is communication - not in the middle of sex or play, but calmly afterwards. Maybe you should write to him about how you felt - or he will see this blog - and you can then use that as a basis for a discussion.

Good luck

There's a somebody i'm longing to see, i hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me
i'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood, i know i could always be good, to one who'll watch over me (Ella Fitzgerald)

Edited 23 Apr 11, 10:04 PM by Shypeachybottom

Striving to better, oft we mar what's well. ~William Shakespeare, King Lear, 1605
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. ~Confucius, Analects

Hi, I think this is a really interesting question. Looking forward to seeing what others say.

I don't have experience of exactly that situation, or of being in a long term trelationship that was also D/s, but in my case, I've never found a time - even in the earliest morning - where my partner wanting me hasn't immediately put me in the mood. For me that is the *ultimate* turn on... his desires being enacted.

I am wondering what it is about the D/s that appeals to you if it is not that. Please note, I am not asking in any 'my way is better than your way' sense, just curious. What your 'drivers' are for doing this may have some bearing on the answers to your questions here.

That being said, if I were not in the mood (somehow!) I would not fake it. How is he to know what is going on with you if you pretend to this or that? If you want him to be dominant, how can he do that without true feedback? If he is going to be dominant without any interest in your feelings/state then I do wonder if that is dominant or as you say at what point that crosses into abuse.

I don't think your question is whether this particular incident is abuse, but that if he never takes your feelings into account then what distinguishes the 'dominance' *from* abuse. That is a good question.

As those above say, some of it has to be about you being happy too. You perhaps should discuss this, but be sure you can do so from a calm balanced place within yourself. (Now there is council of perfection! If I ever figure out how to do that I will let you know!).

Becalmed, adrift in a jewelled sea.

Edited 23 Apr 11, 7:15 PM by NimueBanditQueen

As for what should you do? May be what he says. Ask him - does he want you go put on some kind of porn floor show or just be passive and let him get on with it or does he want you to protest and say no and attempt to push him off so he can hold you down and get on with it all the harder.

The only question you should ask yourself is whether your gut reaction is the 'pwoar hot' one or the 'gee thanks' one. Or does the 'gee thanks' one appear as an auto response because all our lives we have been programmed that way?

Took me a bloody long time to figure that one out, and when I did finally accept my gut reactions... quite recently at that... I suddenly felt much more at one with myself.

I hope you come to some kind of understanding with yourself... I can tell you have come a long way already though

@Dread5 - I know I am not being forced against my will. If I turned round and said no he would understand and stop. And yes, I guess I just didn't really know how I felt about it at the time.

@honneysuckle1 - I did tell him that part of this was to let him have me however and whenever he wanted, I know I should be thankful he wants to.

@LondonShyGirl - I love your post, thank you. It made heaps of sense to me. I do need to discuss this with him, I know. To be fair he does make sure I get my fair amount of pleasure (heck he loves me and wants me to be happy of course) so it's not a big deal. I think it was more that I wasn't sure how to react in this circumstance. I knew I didn't want to fake anything but felt guilty for jut laying there...hee hee.

@BengalPiratePrincess - Again, a really good post that made me stop and think. Like you I love it when he pounces on a morning but this particular morning I just felt off it and didn't know how to react...this is all new to us you see.

I think the thing is that because I feel I have coaxed him in to this and now (after a couple of non starts) his is getting into the swing of it I feel like I don'rt want to put him off by questioning him. Bad, I know. Communication is the key, I know. But that's what prompted the post I guess.

For the record that might be the answer...the struggle and the hold down harder...a guaranteed starter for my excitement - will mention this to him, thanks.

I think it does take some time to get over the auto responses you mentioned, for both of us it does get in the way sometimes...we have been in a vanilla(ish) relationship for 10 years and those habits won't die out over night. All I know is our relationship and marriage does seem to be improving with the development to this side of us.

Thanks for your comment.