Posted by rose_in_chains on Fri 8 Apr 11, 11:43 PM to rose_in_chains's blog.
Yep, this is a 'oh that lush rose has been drinking tonight then' blog...
But the lyrics of the same song: "I get knocked down / But I get up again / You're never going to keep me down" are more appropriate.
There's a lot going on right now. Individually, each thing would be the kind of thing that people might say, "oh, that's tough, how do you keep going?" And yet I am keeping going. I'm surprising myself. I'm realising how strong I might actually be. I'm proud of myself.
1. I moved house. Again. Moving house is supposed to be as stressful as divorce. Since I got divorced I've moved house about 8 times (I am losing count). Each time it's getting harder, not easier. I lose faith in whether this one will 'stick', whether I can count on putting down roots, getting settled, feeling at home.
2. I became single. It wasn't what we wanted. Then what had been already an un-simple split became something else that knocked me sideways. I can't talk about it yet but it's made me question everything and I'm trying not to. I didn't see this one coming.
3. Work is crazy busy. Overwhelmingly so. Not a bad thing, just hard to deal with when 1) and 2) make me want to curl into a ball and disappear.
4. Sunday is the 3rd anniversary of the day when I was raped. I try not to think about it, but the nightmares have come back and I wake up from panic attacks, short of breath, frightened. I've become scared to go to sleep. Being absolutely exhausted through lack of sleep is not making 1-3 any easier to handle.
I'm so tired of getting up again. But until the world stops knocking me down, the only thing to be done is to get up again. Because the alternative is to stay down, and with no-one but myself to rely on, that just isn't an option. If I fall, the only person who can catch me, is me. Yes, I have friends. And the support you give me is invaluable. I'm forever amazed, astounded and touched by the support I get from 'near friends' - those of you who I know, but don't really know well. But, in the end, friends can only go so far. I have to rely on me.
And the thing is, however tough it gets, however much I want to curl up in a ball and disappear, I do get up again, and I start to believe that maybe the world, however unfair it is, just won't succeed in keeping me down.
And so for the short times when I do allow it to get to me, I refuse to beat myself up. Sometimes it's ok to cry.
Edited to add: tonight it was a bubbles drink.
Edited Fri 8 Apr 11, 11:58 PM by rose_in_chains
| 9 Apr 11, 12:46 AM Monkey_Wench UK(B), 20 mths     |
Your strength is evident in that post. x Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things! | |
| 9 Apr 11, 8:28 AM capital_dee UK(NW), 3 yrs  |
Hugs - you are wonderful. "The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." Albert Einstein | |
| 9 Apr 11, 8:42 AM Muvva_1 UK, 2 yrs |
Sweetheart I didn't know half of what you've been able to impart here as I'm only an aquaintance but let me say that I have tremendous respect, warmth and feeling for a person who can get up after beeing knocked down by life so many times. In the few times we've met at fet events I've enjoyed your company and I hope we get to meet again soon. If I can get through a day without upsetting anyone or anyone upsetting me, then that's a good day. | |
| 9 Apr 11, 10:04 AM Persia_Porsche UK(EH), 3 yrs |
Go girl! Each time you get back up, you get back up stronger. It's hard as hell but worth it,and remember - the harder the climb the greater the reward. Have a pat on the back and some paracetamol for that hangover x
I'm loud and I'm vulgar, and I wear the pants in the house because somebody's got to, but I am not a monster. I'm not. | |
| 9 Apr 11, 10:52 PM Phoenixub3 UK(W), 9 yrs |
rose, I empathise with you. Been through similar life experiences. Except replace rape with being a victim of a paedo. Not to get up is to accept we have lost and they have won.... Hence my user id is Phoenix. Inspite of being betrayed a few times... I stupidly still believe that there that one somewhere ... travelling towards me... she will soon turn up at the door step.... In the meanwhile I kiss (she)frogs, to see...to check... is that one her ?... Only to discover.... no it isn't... and am left with a bad taste in my mouth......
Edited 9 Apr 11, 10:53 PM by Phoenixub3 |
