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| Mosc0w |
on Sun 3 Apr 11, 6:07 PM to Mosc0w's blog.
We only get one chance, as far as we know anyway, but I can't seem to get this one right. I must have misheard in the Lessons of life class and just can't seem to get along with the world.
Since school, I have dreamt of being friends with a blonde, cute and lovely girl (just friends). This dream has cost me thousands, if not tens of thousands in pursuing my dream, all to know avail. To look, to not look, to play it cool, to get out and socialise, to stay in and save money.
Its not the first time in my life I feel lost, probably won't be the last either. I'm just so fed up of dreaming and for dreams to be beyond the reach of what I can do. Things which other people would find impossible such as learning another language fluently, living in another country in search of this dream, leaving 'friends' and family behind ...I can do.
Recently splitting after a long-term long-distance relationship, I feel empty and worthless inside and have no reason to make an effort, for anybody anymore, as I'm fed up trying.
Years ago, whilst being bullied at school I had no friends, in fact I haven't had any real friends, ever. The ones that call you up and say "Hi, how are you doing? Want to go for a beer tonight?". I think Vodafone, Orange and O2 could verify that my incoming calls and texts are usually from business numbers, or auto-generated. Can't remember the last time someone called me up!?!?
I would understand all of this if I was mean, rude, obnoxious and generally a bad person. I'm not. I'm the kind of person who would travel to the other side of the world if I knew I could help a friend. I have never expected anything in return from anyone, and now I realise, nobody ever has.
Splitting up with Katya in Moscow last month was as a result of not discovering love, but discovering unrequited love. It seriously hurts, especially after trying to make a long-distance relationship work. Presents, sponsorship, small gifts and love letters - pretty much useless and thrown away by the recipient.
The love, care and attention I'm offering is available to the right person. I am the kindest person anyone can meet. So why am I so lonely, why have I never had any friends, what is wrong with me. I don't know and perhaps don't want to know.
After leaving school and having no friends or contact with anyone, I kept myself to myself and never looked for friendship. Then, when living in a small village with my family, I found a network of friends and I discovered what friendship was for the first time in my life.
Sadly, all of these friends have moved on, got married and have families of their own, we rarely keep in contact and it was now so long ago ...a bit like keeping in contact with school friends (not that I had any).
I've tried to believe the glass is half-full and always seen the good in people, I find it hard to see the bad in people, which is why I get hurt everytime.
I've tried being a slave but couldn't get an emotional connection at all. I've been beaten once, which is the only emotional connection I have had in my life, ever, where someone has given me that feeling.
I've tried with vanilla relationships, but they never work when M/s or D/s has been involved in previous relationships.
So I am at a loss, what to do, where to go and what life is all about ...I don't know anymore. I'm hoping by writing this and later reading it and coming back to it, I'll find an answer. I also don't have anyone in my life to talk to. Distanced from my family who are led to believe that living in Russia is a happy place (for now it isn't).
One thought I've always had is; people are meant to be born others aren't. I am the youngest in our family, my eldest sister died at birth and my older brother has made a success of life. My parents only wanted two children, so if my sister was alive today, I wouldn't have been born. If I'm living her life, I'd prefer she had it back as I can't figure this life out.
Come back Sasha, we'll swap!
Edited Sun 3 Apr 11, 6:13 PM by Mosc0w
