This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| 2 Apr 11, 7:02 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs  |
Im single. You're not. I would imagine you were the luckier one even if the only thing that isn't there is the dominance doesn't go quite as far as you want. I would never have broken up my long marriage just over sexual issues. It sounds as if he's gradually getting better and then it might become a habit. Some men have been brought up not to hurt a woman so never spank anyone until they realise some of us want or need it and others similarly have been taught not to control women and may be that needs to be explained to him -that you want and like it so it's not therefore wrong. | ||
| 2 Apr 11, 11:50 PM alpinehappyfly UK, 2 yrs  |
I can't say whether its a minority opinion or not. But my view of D/s, in a long term relationship.. IF (and that's a very big IF) i'm ever in a long term D/s relationship,.. would be quite similar to yours. There are a lot of areas of my life which I will never submit in. Over and beyond the usual of 'kids, work, health' that is considered the normal range. If I ever had a long term ds relationship, it would be more like yours than it would be to 24/7 or TPE. I cannot submit on all issues. I cannot submit to the same level all the time. I cannot submit all the time. If living together, no way will I be the only person doing the house chores just because I'm the sub. No way will I ever be told what I can and cannot eat etc. There are a lot of areas which just will never be D/s for me. It can be more than just 'bedroom only', in fact I'd like it to be. But for me there needs to be a balance and a healthy respect for each other. | ||
| 3 Apr 11, 2:33 AM Neophites_jewel AU, 4 yrs |
That's not really what i meant or said in my post, though. i don't believe that you have to submit in EVERYTHING in order to be satisfactorily submissive. But i don't understand how what you are submissive about can change from day to day, because for me (and i'm honestly only speaking for myself here), that sort of negates the point. There are different types of submission, and i absolutely think that they are all equally valid so long as they work for the individuals involved. i don't really understand your view of submission, but that doesn't make it wrong, just different from my own. And i'm sure you're not a rarity. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln | ||
| 3 Apr 11, 7:45 AM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
Because of my life stage and responsibilities to my children I wouldn't submit on work or children but I would characterise it as all power is ceded by then he chooses to grant back those areas for me to deal with. It's hard to explain but when I've felt very very submissive to a man it doesn't feel possible to be deciding today I won't submit or I quite like the idea of wearing that so I'll reject the suggestion or I don't feel like sex so I'll refuse today. Instead I just feel submissive to that person and that's that. I suppose sometimes I might seek to persuade that we do something different from what is proposed and I've tended to be in relationships with men who like to talk about things but it is always understood he's the boss and he decides. That doesn't mean other people are less good or less pure or not sub if they instead reach an agreement that they submit in bed and then out of bed their submission is in a list of categories only. In a sense I have my own list. I am not prepared to do certain things - like eat junk food or drink or jeopardise my relationships with my children or capacity to earn a living and those latter two do have huge implications. I supposei f someone would settle on me a lump sum which reflects what I will earn for the next 30 years then I would be sufficiently protected to give up work for him but that's not likely and even then I wouldn't be happy as I like my work so I doubt even then I'd do it. | ||
| 3 Apr 11, 9:11 AM vixylix 2 yrs |
Yep this is exactly how I feel about it too though. There are things I can't/won't submit to (like you re kids/work/etc). I don't decide day to day whether I will submit or not it's just there are things I want to submit to and yet can't right now because my husband isn't ready to take responsibility for these things (I wonder if he is still dealing with issues of 'I shouldn't be doing this to the woman I love' even though I have said it's ok?) But yes, I agree with you. And my version of D/s Lite is not about how often I submit but in to what things I submit to and how I am willing to do/be so much more. If that makes sense. | ||
| 3 Apr 11, 10:47 AM Intelligencia UK(GU), 5 yrs |
Your 'sliding scale' idea works for me all the time - when we are both working, parenting, dealing with familial obligations etc the barometer is fairly low, although there will always be a level below which our relationship will not fall. When it is just the two of us, either at home or out and about, the scale is increased to as much control as he wishes to exert. It works for me and I think that is the core principal, to build the dynamic that works for both parties and suits 'their' unique and individual situation. Intelligencia Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge, where is the knowledge we have lost in information? T S Eliot Edited 3 Apr 11, 6:57 PM by Intelligencia | ||
| 3 Apr 11, 7:46 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
Yes, but I suppose I know or would want to know that at any time he can assert himself. He might not choose to because of something else I or we are doing but he has that right. | ||
| 4 Apr 11, 9:43 AM ClearBluesEmma UK(DT), 4 yrs |
This is mostly why I don't consider myself 'submissive'. As @Vamp_Mystik said earlier, as a person I like to please my partner, both sexually and outside the bedroom. However, I don't consider my needs or desires to be subservient to his, thus I'm not submissive, I'm just considerate of my partner. I can anticipate his likes and wants, and if it also pleases me, then I'll do my best to satisfy them. However I won't do things that I dislike intensely just to please him. I do understand what @rose_in_chains said about feeling more 'submissive' from one day to the next. I think primarily it's about my moods and desires. Yes, I'll consider my partner, but I'm a selfish bunny. If it doesn't feel good, I won't be doing it! I don't get that feel good factor from doing something I dislike purely to please a partner. I take responsibility for myself, and expect my partner to do the same. I'll cook if I want to, as will he if the mood takes him. I like to be happy, to feel good, and I like to think I make my partner feel the same. Not convinced that is D/s, but hey it works for me! Non 24/7 D/s can work I'm sure, it doesn't have to be TPE or nothing, surely? Sorry, turned into a bit of a ramble in the end, to summarise, (!) for me, yes you can have elements of D/s in a relationship without the s-type ceeding all responsibility for themselves to the d-type. Whatever floats your boats! | ||
| 4 Apr 11, 9:47 AM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
It's interesting to hear. I don't mind doing things I don't like to please a partner. In fact I think een in vanilla relationships the best ones are full of that - he puts out the bins when he's tired(or she), she does his tax return or whatever those things might be. I don't think dominance or submission really relate to whetehr someone is a selfish or giving partner or not. I've mostly had considerate and not lazy men even though dominant but we always both know if he chose to make me do XYZ, serve or whateer I would. I hope that I have enough sense though that if someone decided he would have life of total idleness whilst I worked 18 hours a day servigin him and working I'd kick him out however sub I felt. | ||
| 4 Apr 11, 9:47 AM Creative_Me UK(IP), 3 yrs |
In the world not bound by D/s conventions we might have, at one end of the scale a doormat and at the other a monster/dragon of an individual who takes charge in any situation. In that world we have a range of possible relationships and it's easy to understand that there's potential for imbalance much of the time. What we enjoy in the concept of D/s is the starting point that one person has control and the other is happy to submit to His or Her wishes. For the rest of this comment I'll assume Dominant man / submissive woman because it's natural for Me and easier to write. If the Dominant one is wise enough He knows the skills and abilities of His submissive as well as her desires. He will satisfy those desires as He takes from her what He needs and uses her for His own pleasures but He will also use the natural skills that she has and nurture in her the talents that she possesses. Whether these are academic, work-related or home skills He will allow her to serve Him by being all that she can be. None of this prevents His total Domination of her in whatever way He chooses, but it reflects the relationship they have within the D/s framework. Her potential to serve is not restricted to obeying specific instructions, but instead expands to being His in whatever way works for them. Edited 4 Apr 11, 9:51 AM by Creative_Me |
