10 Rules for Writing a Great Profile (91)

Bit elaborate. I'd just take a photo of myself and label it "Cunt". Much easier.

Don't actually WRITE anything about yourself. Begin your profile by saying, "I don't know what to write here." That's always a really great indicator that you haven't wasted a lot of time with introspection. No purpose to that, is there? You might also consider adding, "I'll update this soon" and then don't do anything at all with it for ages. Nothing like showing you don't waste time doing things you said you would do.

Rule 2

State the obvious, use multiple cliches, try to be as pedestrian as possible. You don't want to come across as one of those educated types. Here are three good examples:

• Im a layed back guy who likes to have fun lol
• out going crazy weird funny fun cool an full of energy im looking for something real im real so don't play
• I can be very Dominate on differnert levels. and submissive as well. Cum let chat.

Now I know you want a way to contact these individuals because, clearly, they are a catch, but you're going to have to find your own. These examples are going to illustrate some other rules, too.

Rule 3

Use tonnes of nonsensical online abbreviations, especially lol. Add it often and without regard to whether or not what you've said is funny. People love it when you laugh at your own jokes and it makes you seem cheery. Also, you might think about adding a lot of emoticons Really, why should you bother to say anything when you could simply use a smiley face in knee boots spanking another smiley face. That says it all.

Rule 4

Don't bother to punctuate or spell correctly as it's really just a waste of time. Everyone knows what you mean, right? Remember, you can save time by using 'dominate' as BOTH a verb and a noun. Don't forget to also use 'cum' as a synonym for 'come.' It makes you sound sexy.

Rule 5

If you decide you really want to write more than the examples above, be sure to concentrate on what you don't want and won't accept. Let people know how your past relationships have ended and let them know that if they fuck with you, you're going to be speaking of them in the same ways. It gets it all out there early, which is good. Don't talk about what you bring to the table, focus on what you plan to take away.

Rule 6

Remember in your profile to paint yourself as a generally ill-tempered and potentially dangerous dominant, sorry dominate, or a misbehaving and bratty submissive. Tell them what a badass you are, how scary you are, paint yourself as potentially unbalanced. If you're submissive, then emphasize how bratty you are, how someone will have to struggle with you for power, and how they can expect that you won't be very obedient. That will really catch the eye of the kind of partner you want.

Rule 7

If you do decide to provide a lot of information, then do it in such a way as to ensure that anyone who makes it through the entire profile is really dedicated. Write a long profile, with no paragraphs and little punctuation. If you MUST use punctuation, then use it incorrectly. Use multiple commas when the lesser person would use a period. You could simply use ellipsis as your only means of punctuation...but if you do this use it for really long dramatic pauses...instead of a means to indicate omissions of text. Use three or four exclamation points after every sentence to show how passionate you are. Also, remember to shout. Type in all capital letters. GET THEIR ATTENTION!!!!

Rule 8

Post lots of pictures. The best ones to use will include some or all of the following:

• Your rooster (with or without the chicken hearts).
• Your laundry on the floor.
• Your hand holding your phone with a bright flash spot.
• An arm or other piece of your ex.

To make the best first impression use grainy shots or ones with bad exposure. That one from 10 years ago would also be a good choice. After all, you look exactly the same now as you did then.

Rule 9

List your availability and preferences one way, but in your profile body write them differently. People are attracted to mystery and they will love having to figure out whether or not you'd be interested in hearing from them. Make it as contradictory as possible and it will increase your response rate exponentially.

Rule 10

Finally, at the end of whatever profile you write, remember to close with, "if u wanna chat or have any questions let me know." After reading the masterpiece you have created they will certainly want to talk and will likely have lots of questions. It will be nice for them to know you are ready, willing and able to answer them.

No, don't thank me. The change in your profiles will be thanks enough.

Edited and taken from the musings of Miss C.