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| penwiggle |
I was thinking of making a move from 'pain slut' to 'pain connoisseur'. But then dickrigger mentioned that pain slut was easier to say, and I also realized I didn't know French or how to spell connoisseur (thank you Google). I suppose they both get the same general concept across.
Which isn't really the theme of this post, but an interesting distraction.
I have this unyielding drive for extreme pain. But it's not a drive at all, it's a pull.
You see, way off in the distance, at the far end of that grassy field, there is a tree. A tall, beautiful, lush apple tree. It is full of green leaves and bright red apples. But every once and awhile (lately more often than not) I am instantly drawn to the tree - across space and time - where I discover the apples are not delicious ripe apples at all. Instead, each apple is covered with about a dozen 4", razor sharp thorns. My analogy of a cluster headache.
The cluster headache is the limit of extreme pain. It is pain beyond belief. It is the only pain that the very thought of if makes me break down in trembling tears. It is the only pain I fear.
It is therefore a pain I strive to master.
So it is the tree at the far end of the field that pulls me, draws me to it. Always, constantly drawing my gaze. My thoughts. My attention..... my longings. Not for the bad, extremely scary pain that it delivers without warning or consent. But for a way heighten my pain threshold, to strengthen my mastery over pain, to pick up maybe some trick or power over pain that it doesn't know. So that maybe, one day, I might fuck it for a change.
I think, that at least in part, is what drives me. That and I just really adore pain. Always have. But I don't think I've ever taken it this seriously before I started having clusters.
Pen
| 20 Mar 11, 8:03 PM geoff917 UK(CO), 3 yrs  |
Hmmmm.......interesting post......... "In order to finish first, you must first finish".....Roger Penske | |
| 20 Mar 11, 8:19 PM penwiggle UK(CB), 5 yrs  |
Thank you. You say Ouch like it's a bad word. |
