Violence - a practical application in the home. (29)

Me too.

And no, you said it better

x

If i'm wrong at least i don't matter.
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The overall nature of some relationships described here is that sometimes what takes place will be abuse, of a sort. Sometimes it will not be desired, in the slightest, at the time nor afterward; it will be that sort of behaviour that has worried me. But what matters is that the relationship is kept within the boundaries of what has been agreed, what is expected from both/all parties, and that the general flow of the relationship is good and healthy. Also that, on occasion, mistakes will be made when things go too far but that it is entirely possible to recover from this. Which is the same as any other relationship, I guess, albeit with different content.

Thank you, all - your responses have helped me understand this a great deal, and I'm now a lot more comfortable with something I've frankly struggled with.

F

'Felix Culpa? Yeah, I fucking read Felix Culpa. Fuck you.' - Hillary Clinton

Edited 15 Mar 11, 11:54 AM by Felix_culpa

Ah, I don't like this. No, not at all.

I struggled wording that, to be honest. I'll try again.

What takes places isn't always immediately eroticised. Sometimes, what takes place is never eroticised, it's not desired but is accepted as part of the overall relationship dynamic. So, what I mean by 'abuse, of a sort' is that some of what takes place is entirely at the whim and for the pleasure of the aggressor, at the cost of the other. But, it's an accepted part of the overall. I appreciate that that probably sounds a little obvious, but it was how you minimise any negative impact that concerned me.

This gets right to the point of my original question; how does one not see it or take it as abuse. You've answered it quite clearly; I worded my summary poorly. Thank you.

F

'Felix Culpa? Yeah, I fucking read Felix Culpa. Fuck you.' - Hillary Clinton

So abuse. I see that in people I deal with and here comes the contentious bit, people in domestic abuse relationships are not different to us at all, bloody thin line if they are! What we do IS abuse. The difference is we want it consciously. Yep, I am a psychotherapist so will clearly spout. Abuse is a pattern of abusive behaviors by one or both partners in an intimate relationship such as marriage, dating, family, friends or cohabitation according to the good ol net, we tick that box don't we?

Domestic violence has many forms including physical aggression (hitting, kicking, biting, shoving, restraining, slapping, throwing objects), or threats thereof; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; controlling or domineering; intimidation; stalking; passive/covert abuse (e.g., neglect); and economic deprivation. Hell, we tick that box too.

The need for what I do comes from a long time ago in my darling childhood, before the age of 7 probably. Even as a baby. Do I know exactly? No, I can hazard some guesses. I was not brought up in violence, neglect, nor financial hardship. I am aware of some patterns though, some reasons and links as to why.

The decisions I made to deal with life from an incredibly early age set some patterns in motion. My love of humiliation and violence are those archaic patterns playing out as an adult. BUT, I make an autonomous decision to create these circumstances and live by them, they work. The person who gets hit by their spouse will always ask why the hell am I here again? What's wrong, this keeps happening and it's out of awareness and that's the key. They don't want the violence but on a sub conscious level, they will re create relationships of violence as that's what they know is safe. Safe as in familiar as familiar is easier than scary and new. They can change if they get help, if they want it. I have to be in therapy due to what I do for a living, I choose not to change it. My body yep, my mind, yep, but for me? His choice as that's what I decided a while back. Not lightly either.

So that's the key for me, that autonomous choice I have made to say yes the abuse is what I want. You don't need a reason and neither do I. I may think I can't at one stage yet will probably eroticise it later, but I don't truly think I don't want this. I may not be coping, but I want it, I may panic, but I want it, I yearn for it. I may question, fight, submit, scream, be jealous and pathetic ... and the list goes, on but I consciously want it. I want his and my inner darkest demons to meet, conjoin, fuse, mutilate into something superbly twisted and evil and to consume me.

My simplest reason is that it makes me feel and feel deeply.

Deb

"Woman in her greatest perfection was made to serve and obey man." John Knox

We all get hurt by love.

That's interesting. I mean, it's tragic, but insightful. I'm no expert, saying that, but I'll admit that this level of emotion is what I look to avoid at all costs. Personally.

New question - how true do those who live in this sort of relationship find this? Does it apply to you?

F

We all get hurt by love.

Edited 10 May 11, 8:27 PM by Felix_culpa

When I was younger I witnessed a couple of episodes of domestic violence - my mum was verbally agressive after drinking one bottle of wine too many, and my dad became phsically violent towards her.

As a result, I hardly ever drink alcohol, however, some would say this had had an effect on my need for violence?

I think I disagree with that though, but I am not brave enough to examine it at depth!

There are three things that should only ever be said if you REALLY mean them; I love you, I hate you and I m sorry.

Not even remotely, I am lucky enough to say I had the most perfect childhood. The most traumatic thing that happened was I didn't get the Kickers of my dreams until I was 13 when I'd started lusting over their lovely green and red chunkiness at 11.

I think that although some people into this sort of thing will have had traumatic pasts, lots won't. And lots of people with traumatic pasts will never enjoy a smack in the mouth. Always best not to over generalise, I reckon.