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| Felix_culpa |
This question is directed at those in the group or on the site who have managed to bring – I'll call it the 'practice' – of what's termed here 'ultraviolence' into their everyday lives, or have done so in the past, successfully. I don't know how many that will apply to. This ISN'T a post about whether ultraviolence is domestic violence; if you wish to post opinion on this other topic I'd appreciate it if you started a separate post. This is about the practical application of ultraviolence in a couple's everyday life.
We've seen the many posts that chew at how violent fantasy and conduct often sails very close to domestic violence, and how for many people it is worryingly indistinguishable no matter how well explained the fact that some people actively desire violence at this level. To a degree, to me, they have a point; it feels very difficult to separate.
For example, dinner is burnt because I deliberately raised the oven temperature when she wasn't looking. She is crestfallen at her 'mistake' and I slap/punch/kick her about and have my way with her. Super. Both eroticise the event, it is therefore 'acceptable' as ultraviolence and both understand the context. But what if one – the female, in my example – doesn't eroticise it? Even once? It turns into straight abuse, Domestica. Doesn't it? Assuming it does (and I'd take a lot of persuading that it doesn't) then the damage to the individual, and to the relationship, would be potentially irreversible. Which isn't what we're about, I'd say.
I'm not questioning the violence here, that's not what this post is about. What I'm asking is twofold: how have people managed to avoid what is to me essentially a sexual and/or kink dynamic from becoming, even unintentionally, domestic violence? What safeguards do you build in, or understanding do you come to, to avoid such a thing occurring? And secondly, for those who dish out the beating, how do you avoid doing so when you're just plain angry, No Sex Or Kink Involved?
Thank you.
F
| 7 Mar 11, 11:08 AM River_Deep UK, 6 yrs |
Flippen hell! This is one huge question The reason that I feel 24/7 is not for is because of what you have asked. How DO you stop it from enter the mind set of "not tonight darling and if you do it is not consenual" I like to have sexual interaction daily. I like to be slapped, kicked, punched, gagged to vomit, choked to passing out... I cannot give the honest answer that I would want the latter mixed with the former every time. Violence, yes but UV, no. I do hope this thread gets some in-depth replies.
It is not what you say or do but the way you say or do it Edited 7 Mar 11, 11:09 AM by River_Deep | ||||
| 7 Mar 11, 8:56 PM GirlAfraid UK, 3 yrs |
I am going to ponder and answer this properly because it's a good and difficult question, I think. The difference between an argument that can end with a punch and one that can't seems to be an incredibly subtle distinction in our house. But not tonight, for my eyelids are not winning their battle with gravity. That said, my knee-jerk reaction was that this:
would piss me off far more than this:
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| 7 Mar 11, 9:37 PM Dollface UK, 6 yrs  |
I'm glad you answered this, as I would value your input on it (yeah, more or less admitted that I consciously think about your homelife. I'm so cool). Still mulling over this one. I may be some time... "When you're going through hell, keep going." | ||||
| 7 Mar 11, 10:21 PM Felix_culpa UK, 2 yrs |
Thank you, all. It is a teaser; it took me a fair while to work out quite what I wanted to ask. I'm extremely interested to see the answers and opinions. It's not the violence itself nor the level of it that I'm concerned about. It's how the context is retained, how do you keep on the right side of the line? F 'Felix Culpa? Yeah, I fucking read Felix Culpa. Fuck you.' - Hillary Clinton | ||||
| 7 Mar 11, 10:34 PM inappropriate  UK(CF), 3 yrs |
Tee hee, when I read the OP earlier, I was also hoping @GirlAfraid would post. | ||||
| 8 Mar 11, 2:09 PM Lord_Gobbimort 6 yrs  |
I can answer this part of the question, with anger i find it comes in two flavours. Spit flying, evil raged, red mist; or that kind of pit of the stomach every thing you do is pissing me off now because of x, y or Z. So the former. TBH in that state kink isnt really on my mind and it would be best not to top in these cirmstances. I can however fake losing it to freak a girl or please her if she finds such passions to be erotic. The second kind of anger... the only advice i can give is to master it and control it. It is very Sun Tzu, until you can control your-self you cant control any thing. Mostly if I beat some one I am angry with I have a very cold Ds like punishment type thing and my partners submission cools my fire. If I play with the anger though (it is only something i have done once or twice) then i guess its like surfing in your mind. You let yourself get fired up as you beat her but try to keep a lid on things... Not to fall off the wave. There is no doubt of the pleasure here, it feels like a pleasure we shouldnt be playing with and therefore the best kind. Anyway i hope my random thoughts help slightly. commitment is like ham and eggs. the chicken makes a contribution, the pig makes a commitment. | ||||
| 8 Mar 11, 5:44 PM Mad_Monk UK(BH), 4 yrs |
Context is all. I am too frugal too cause good food to be ruined so your scenario would not occur in my household. In that circumstance, I would create the 'event' by criticising the manner in which the food is presented to table. Perhaps arrangement on the plate or temperature of plate or wine. If something is worth doing it is worth doing stylishly, elegantly and putting a bit of effort in. The following unpleasantness would be administered passionately; with gusto; taking my time; savouring the occasion. On the rare, rare occasions I am truly angry to the point of violence, I am very cold and cease to regard the miscreant as a fellow human – merely a thing to be negated as a threat or obstruction quickly, totally and with the minimum of fuss. Normal day-to-day frustrations do not provoke me to true anger, they are merely a problem to be resolved. "He took a single sip of her pain and found it exquisite" Edited 8 Mar 11, 5:46 PM by Mad_Monk | ||||
| 8 Mar 11, 5:59 PM El_Presidente UK(G), 4 yrs    |
When choosing to incorporate casual violence into the workings of a relationship, I think one has to be reasonably pragmatic. For all the care we take, and for all the times that violence can be retrospectively eroticised and turned into an overall positive thing for all involved, there will occasionally be times when it can't be eroticised. Those times, when the mood dynamic is subtlely wrong, and when things just don't quite have the usual effect, are just plain horrible. But surely the emotional risks are just part and parcel of the overall risks involved in this sort of relationship? Violence is not always going to end in a profound and positive sexual experience (usually followed by a slightly cryptic but highly self-indulgent blog), but as long as we're old and ugly enough to accept that, then that's no reason to stop taking the risk. The rewards, as we know, can be well worthwhile. Edited 8 Mar 11, 6:01 PM by El_Presidente | ||||
| 8 Mar 11, 6:42 PM pepperpants UK, 3 yrs |
Edited to add (and to clarify generally): Umbrella consent and trust-- In relation to myself: it usually comes in the form of a question: can I handle this, will I be able to endure it? And then the realisation that those thoughts have no effect on the outcome of the situation. What I find a bit confusing is the need for a pretence. I mean, can't you just agree that it's ok to beat your partner because you want to rather than purposefully burning dinner to be able to blame and then punish them? "...to precipitate a nocturnal carnation, to be, and be nothing but light in the dark" Edited 8 Mar 11, 6:49 PM by pepperpants | ||||
| 9 Mar 11, 12:18 PM Felix_culpa UK, 2 yrs |
These are all very interesting replies here; thank you, I appreciate them. What's particularly interesting are the 'flavours' of incorporation that are coming out. 'Umbrella' (rather than fully 24/7) seems to be a standard that fits for me, an overall consensus that anything goes. And accepting that, sometimes, the dynamic is going to go wrong and that that is part of the relationship. I appreciate that anger is something to mostly keep out - it doesn't form part of 'play' presently and I've been curious as to how one avoids it becoming involved, and abusing one's privilege. The message that stands out for me is 'Don't', unless controlled. No control, no touchy-touchy. Again, thank you to those who've volunteered their views on anger involvement; I get the impression that it's not often that 'Doms' or 'Sadists' step up and explain how they work in open forum. <Smiles> Porn blogs aside. On the dinnertime-deviant example I gave, perhaps it was poorly chosen as representative. It's not something that I see as necessary, it was simply an example that appeals to her and I (among many). A little scene-setting. In reality I'd not need an excuse or set up to become violent just as she does not require similar to desire it, and I'll say that I'm quite pleased that others live that way successfully. I know that this is a difficult question and touches close to home for some. But please keep going, the answers are fascinating and informative. F
'Felix Culpa? Yeah, I fucking read Felix Culpa. Fuck you.' - Hillary Clinton Edited 9 Mar 11, 12:26 PM by Felix_culpa |
