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| Rapunzel |
on Mon 14 Feb 11, 8:05 AM to Rapunzel's blog.
Someone once said that the pain is so much sharper when you know what you are missing.
I've often wondered whether the practise and pursuit of the hedonism that is BDSM is somewhat addictive, especially when you are doing it in a way that really floats your boat. You become so attuned to it, with such a longing for the next fix, that the time between fixes seems endless and when it goes wrong – as, with all things, it sometimes does – how much more it hurts because you know exactly how much better it could have been.
I know that this applies across life in general. On the career front, would I resent my non-job so much if I didn't know that I do have slightly more than half a brain and that other people sometimes get to switch theirs on for their working day? Since I discovered the glories of masturbation, if I don't have an orgasm, I feel frustrated and deprived. When I diet, I miss cheese and crisps and hot chocolate. When I'm having an off day from alcohol, I long for the sweet sensation of a crisp champagne as it slides across my tongue and I want the confident buzz that it gives me. But for some reason, when my BDSM play doesn't go as I've wanted it to, the pain is the sharpest thing I've ever encountered and has the power to make me feel unhappy, ugly, lacking in confidence and indulging in an orgy of self-reflection and self-recrimination ('What did I do wrong?'. Why didn't he do x?' 'Does he not fancy me?' etc etc.).
Generally, I put a lot of myself into my kinky life. Probably because I find the other major aspect of my life (work) so desperately unfulfilling, my scene life matters to me a lot. The kinky events that I organise not only fulfil my own desires and fantasies but also act as an outlet for creativity and organisation that I enjoy very much and I feel bereft when I'm not planning for the next thing. I look forward to scenes, I love the build up and the thought that goes into them. So when they don't work, I've built them up in my head to such an extent that it's a wonder they happen at all. I'm sure that my Main Dom wouldn't recognise himself as the Titan of Domliness he is in my head (He is though, he's just modest!).
One of my pet hates therefore is the promise of play that doesn't actually materialise or for some reason is not as long or as intense as I've dearly wanted it to be. Last week was my birthday week and we had several parties and events, all of which were fantastic and I had a lovely time. However, at least 3 of those get-togethers were meant to be for play purposes and for a variety of reasons, two turned out to be non-play (i.e play was intended, set up, dressed up for, catered for - and never happened) and one was severely curtailed to an hour. This has had the effect of turning me into such a grumpy crosspatch that I headbutted the mirror in the bathroom in frustration at 3am this morning. What I actually wanted to do was to fling myself full length on the ground, kicking and screaming and have a massive toddler style tantrum in which 'I want I want' would have been shouted incoherently between frothing and wails. What made it worse was that I was with three extremely lovely people who tried really hard (and for the majority, succeeded) in making my birthday day really special. But I felt totally unable to articulate to them that I was disappointed by the way the scene had gone, because it felt so whiny and self-indulgent.
As a submissive, I often find it hard to articulate my desires clearly to the men I play with (there is a residual thought that submissives don't ask for play, they just get what they are given and like it) and therefore tend to expect them to read my mind. This is not a sensible position to be in. I would love to be one of the more confident girls I see, who target a playmate, ask and get. 'Ask and thou shalt receive' said the Lord. Exactly.
Anyway, to paraphrase King Lear (yes, I'm in that kind of morose mood) – “How sharper than a serpents' tooth it is to be thus much deprived'.
Bah.
| 14 Feb 11, 9:48 AM Once_Upon_A_Time 17 mths |
I know exactly what you mean. I hate it when I put down a sandwich for a moment, then come back to take the last bite, only to find that it's all gone. Damn it, I'd finished it without noticing! I can bear a grudge about that for ages. |
| 14 Feb 11, 12:01 PM bluenblonde AU, 4 yrs |
Awww sweetie am sorry that it didn't work out quite as planned. Am sure you'll get lots of fabulous play soon to make up for it but totally understand that you are disappointed. Big hugs and love and other good things xx “I'm no angel, but I've spread my wings a bit.” Mae West |
