Rounded_With_An_Edge's profile
Posted by Rounded_With_An_Edge
on Mon 31 Jan 11, 4:38 AM to Rounded_With_An_Edge's blog.
Write a bit on here as it has been a while. Last summer in fact was the date of last musings, lacking substance and quality as usual. I passed my 1st yr of my MSc, it was once again "Last Minute" as it seems in affairs concerning academia I prefer to create undue & unneeded pressure upon myself to do the task in hand. Then began the problems for me, raising the funds to pay for Yr2 became difficult, and it ate away at me, financial pressures have been a bugbear for a couple of years now...how they can drag one down.
Throw into the mix a LDR which had her come here "London" and for us to bounce off the walls & each other, then a trip to her homeland, and some ultra-dysfunction, the type of which I have never been a part of before, quite shocking in hindsight really...
She then came back to London with "Dreams of Dreams" but she was Ill, physically, and it was the main focus of the stay, for me it was too much too soon, and showed me that even thought balance may be a small word, it certainly is a massive deal for me in how I function and live my life.
She left, and I became serious Ill myself, so much so that I ended up in hospital for a couple of weeks, so many tests, scans, vials of blood... Turned out to be severe pancreatitis with some other internal complications... Was quite scary to be honest at times, as they released me from hospital after a week, 4 days later I am back in there again, worse than ever. I ended up on a massive cocktail of pills, something like 8 different ones every 4 hours... And that started to take its toll as I had allergic reactions to them...suffice to say all this took it's toll on my studies, and after careful consideration I deferred my course till this forthcoming September.
It brought home to me just how detached I had become from me, and that without my health I have nothing really. I gave up Coffee... 13 yrs of serious amounts of as strong as you like black coffee, I needed it to wake up, to move, to function... when it was taken out of the equation, well... strange but I managed, coped, and moved on. I also decided when I was in hospital to stop smoking... Something I had done since I was 13, A daily habit for best part of 27 years... Why did I choose to ? Well...to be honest I felt like a proper cunt in hospital, going downstairs, outside, drips hanging out of me, gown on, coughing&smoking outside as people gave me strange looks.. I had a realisation, What the Fuck am I doing ?, and managed to get put on nicotine patches when in there... over 2 and a half months on, and i'm clean of them&tobacco.
Christmas&New yr was a nightmare, due to bad bad choice of going back to sick-girl and joining in the sickness we had created... She threw me out, called the police, 5am in the morning, leaving me to find my way back from middle europe, in the snow... I managed to do so, at some expense, only to be back at hers after coming back to London some 48 hrs later... Seriously extreme it was with her... Love-hate in it's element, but too much for me, I gave it many chances, tried to implement some base rules, but it was never going to happen...
It was this = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkEwk7wZVV8
That is how it was...
So back into London, back into applications for work, back into rejections for said applications, back into what seems a never ending circle of fucking madness, and now that I have given up every vice I desired so much, I have put a few pounds on... Getting a right podgy tummy, but with cravings for tobacco a daily happening, the 99p shop and its aisles of sweets&cut-price junk foods has become a focus as such...
Oh and sleep deprivation, hmmm... The patches made me have the strangest dreams, made me wake, but having a "Normal cycle" is not happening at the moment, mind you night-time is not so bad all in all...
So that is about it all in all, I still come here, browse, lurk etc... Writing this will give me something to look back at in a few months and think "Wow how things have changed"...I hopes.
