30 Jan 11, 8:11 PM
kitty_claw
UK(TN), 4 yrs
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jules9 wrote:
Irelyn wrote:
I do believe that subs can be more vulnerable simply because of their overwhelming desire and nature to want to please. I think this trait is exploited by many doms and men and certainly can cause a lot of pain in the interactions of many subs before they realize their nature and worth and learn to protect themselves.
I am speaking as a female that is mostly hetero, that realized a submissive nature before and was burned in some casual Dom/sub interactions, exposed to all the online BS that was pervasive 8-10 years ago, that once dreamed of finding "The" loving, dominant "ONE".
I was hurt in many vanilla relationships. Vulnerability and openness are not unique to female subs in relationships with their Dom, or females in relationships. People in these forums are capable of seeing an issue from a multitude of perspectives.
I am a little concerned about the language you used in your post. For example, "stripped of her barriers" and "required to offer herself up completely" implies a loss of control. Of course, that is what real power exchange is. But it is ALWAYS YOUR CHOICE. You are not "required" to do anything that you do not want to do.
I always fantasized about a male dom that knew me so well, that when he pushed my limits, he would be doing it for ME, knowing that deep down I wanted to explore that. Then there is the reality that a dom will push you in the direction he wants you to go because it will please him and only him. I imagine that is where I would feel used. There is a subtle and huge difference between the two types of situations. I would like a dom to care enough about ME to probe the deep unconscious emotional depths of my psyche not to be ssc or to perform bdsm in standard predictable ways, but to guide and support me in becoming more n tune with aspects or myself. D/s is not a game of how far one can push another, or a list of sexual acts to check off.
If you are truly a sub you have only a few choices. You have to protect yourself. Or you have to trust that your dom will protect you in every way. Or you have to be extremely careful with who you interact intimately with, because your sub nature will manifest itself in any relationship, vanilla or otherwise. Or you can be like me, pretend you are not really a sub because it would be much more rewarding to have men serve me after what I have been through.
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Wow - such a thought provoking reply. So much of this resonates for me, thank you for sharing!
XxX
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Yes, it resonates with me too. Thank you. "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
Crawley Munch
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30 Jan 11, 8:39 PM
valleyrose17
UK(BS), 2 yrs
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Yes I agree, thank you - I really do have a desire to please. I realise that the language I have used could be mis-construed but I do realise I have a choice and suppose would like to be able to lower my barriers in this way.
I think in reality it is going to be very difficult because as much as I want to I instinctively raise the barriers. Maybe one day I will find "the one" for whom I want to let them down. xxxx
kitty_claw wrote:
jules9 wrote:
Irelyn wrote:
I do believe that subs can be more vulnerable simply because of their overwhelming desire and nature to want to please. I think this trait is exploited by many doms and men and certainly can cause a lot of pain in the interactions of many subs before they realize their nature and worth and learn to protect themselves.
I am speaking as a female that is mostly hetero, that realized a submissive nature before and was burned in some casual Dom/sub interactions, exposed to all the online BS that was pervasive 8-10 years ago, that once dreamed of finding "The" loving, dominant "ONE".
I was hurt in many vanilla relationships. Vulnerability and openness are not unique to female subs in relationships with their Dom, or females in relationships. People in these forums are capable of seeing an issue from a multitude of perspectives.
I am a little concerned about the language you used in your post. For example, "stripped of her barriers" and "required to offer herself up completely" implies a loss of control. Of course, that is what real power exchange is. But it is ALWAYS YOUR CHOICE. You are not "required" to do anything that you do not want to do.
I always fantasized about a male dom that knew me so well, that when he pushed my limits, he would be doing it for ME, knowing that deep down I wanted to explore that. Then there is the reality that a dom will push you in the direction he wants you to go because it will please him and only him. I imagine that is where I would feel used. There is a subtle and huge difference between the two types of situations. I would like a dom to care enough about ME to probe the deep unconscious emotional depths of my psyche not to be ssc or to perform bdsm in standard predictable ways, but to guide and support me in becoming more n tune with aspects or myself. D/s is not a game of how far one can push another, or a list of sexual acts to check off.
If you are truly a sub you have only a few choices. You have to protect yourself. Or you have to trust that your dom will protect you in every way. Or you have to be extremely careful with who you interact intimately with, because your sub nature will manifest itself in any relationship, vanilla or otherwise. Or you can be like me, pretend you are not really a sub because it would be much more rewarding to have men serve me after what I have been through.
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Wow - such a thought provoking reply. So much of this resonates for me, thank you for sharing!
XxX
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Yes, it resonates with me too. Thank you.
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30 Jan 11, 11:09 PM
xAdamx
UK(SE), 9 yrs
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sub_vert wrote:
Hello DARLING - I wondered how long it was going to take to get the boss in. Lol.
Well if you want to waste time responding, quoting and unquoting, threatening etc etc then thats up to you. I have had some great advice from people in here and as much as I would LOVE to spar with you I REALLY dont have the time so wont be bothering to look at the thread again.
Take care lovely (I think we would actually get on really rather well) LMAO
xxx
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http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/285200/0/...
Nuff said....enjoy your break... Obedience without temptation is meaningless
Edited 1 Feb 11, 11:22 PM by xAdamx
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7 Mar 11, 6:45 PM
PhoenixAmber
UK(YO), 4 yrs
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valleyrose17 wrote:
vulnerability - gotta be careful how I word this..
.........so I don't get lynched.
last time I posted a similar question I really did get verbally attacked by a couple of people on here but this still isnt resolved for me so I'm gunna try again.
when a sub "gives" herself entirely to her Dom, is stripped of her barriers, is required to offer herself up completely so that he may know her every strength, weakness and emotion, by taking her defences down is she not making herself vulnerable to hurt - more so than a person who is not required to expose themselves in such a way.
Last time I posted something like this I was told in no uncertain terms that one should take the the same precautions as in any relationship and that subs are no more "vulnerable" than anyone else.
I guess it depends on how totally you do lower the defences and let someone in... (runs for cover)
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There isn't actually a question in here so it is difficult to know what direction you want this post to go in. I will give you my opinion on the statement.
I myself have a part of my personality (I don't draw a distinction as my 'sub' and who I am everyday are the same, certain traits just show in varying degrees depending on the situation) that puts the desires, wants, needs of my friends, family, dominant, top *the list goes on* before my own. I do this because it makes me happy, because their happiness makes me smile.
My job is a form of customer service and it shows there, I have worked in crisis support where it showed, etc.
At the risk of sounding long winded my point is this; if your personality has that 'service' trigger, where you will give of yourself to a degree where your wellbeing is secondary to the person that you are playing with then YOU need to know that, learn to recognise it and manage it when it is inappropriate (or unsafe) then once you can recognise and limit it's 'dangers' you need to tell the person that you are trusting yourself with so that they are not expecting anything different to what you will give.
Take safewords, that is the bit that scares most people, the idea that they won't (or can't) safeword, In my experience I know that if my life depended on it I could easily call my safeword, when I play it's the hardest word to find, because I want his enjoyment to continue and because I may (and often do) get past the 'bad pain' moment. If that is something you have then play well within your limits or do it with someone you trust (and knows you well) or set a short time limit for each 'part'. Mostly you need to be able to trust that they have your best interest at heart, after all most people would really like a second play so don't tent to break people.
More importantly it is up to you to understand yourself, it's a hard road but it's worth it. I don't go with the idea of submission is a gift either but I do know that being able to trust completely, both ways, is a beautiful thing. The people within the scene that I know appreciate someone who knows themselves.
Until you get your control, think of it as getting drunk. First few times you go out with people you dont get utterly 'lose control' drunk because you don't know their reactions or trust them enough to be helpless - your best friend, different story!!
hope that helps (sorry it was so long)
Edited to add Irelyn put it very well and I believe that what I am saying has echos of what Irelyn was saying. "Ha ! I laugh at danger and drop ice cubes down the vest of fear."
(Blackadder- Amy and Amiability)
Edited 7 Mar 11, 6:57 PM by PhoenixAmber
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