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Posted by billybofh
on Tue 5 Mar 02, 7:14 PM to billybofh's blog.
I've been told, more than once, that I seem to like making things difficult for myself.
So, in order to further this, I have amputated my legs and arms
This is making it very, very difficult to do almost anything involving travel or movement. It also seems to be making me rather faint from blood loss. But I expect that'll stop.
Typing is proving to be quite a challenge as I'm having to just slap my face on the keyboard and then try to use various tongue-based key-combinations till it makes some kind of sense.
Typing is further hampered by my choosing to use a 1982 version of 'vi' as my editor. And remapping my keyboard to French.
Playing leapfrog is proving to be a tad tricky also. I have to use a catapult to stand any chance of success, but I am usually disqualified once they children discover that I've dripped blood from my leg and arm sockets on their white tracksuits as I tumble through the air above them.
I have also been attempting to "pull" at local bars - and this has been even more difficult than usual. Apart from having no useful limbs, my ceremonial 'bird pulling hat' (which consists of some glued together toilet-rolls with some condoms and brocolli haphazardly arranged in amongst them) is causing some "issues" with the bar staff. Perhaps I should change the brocolli once in a while, or at least wash the worst of the mould off... And maybe not just using condoms which had been filled by tramps.
Believe me, trying to snap your fingers in a sauve manner at a barman when you have no fingers, hand or arm is really quite tricky. And the blood seems to go everywhere. Which does so annoy the other customers.
Eating is now only possible by hitching a ride on old womans tartan trollybags and gnawing through till you get to the food inside. This mostly seems to consist of old hard-boiled mints (well, they might be bits of false teeth - hard to tell with all the fluff on them) and catfood. And being vegan I've kinda made that more difficult as well. Though there was one old woman who had a collar and ball-weights in her bag - but before I had a chance to ask her about them she kicked me rather sharply in the head and said 'feck off you deviant'. Which was a tad rude - if accurate...
On the positive side, I can now roll under my dining-room table fairly easily.
I'm still trying to come up with a way of making this harder. Perhaps by digging a mineshaft under my house (using a teaspoon and my mouth for extra difficulty value) and simply waiting till the house subsides so the floor is on a slope. I don't do slopes at the moment. They're hard.
I'm also considering just gnawing the legs of the table till it's low enough that I can't roll under it. I think the only thing on the table was some carefully targetted mailshots trying to sell me car insurance - well, I say carefully targetted... but perhaps sending it to someone with a car, or even a driving license, would have been more successful.
A Jehova's witness came to the door today. He tried to give me a little booklet - but when I kept hurling my torso up on him and trying to grab it with my teeth, he seemed to get a little disturbed. I tried to explain that I didn't really care about god, and only wanted the leaflet as a change from mints and if he'd just like to feed them into my mouth it'd save me trying to leap as much, but he still wasn't keen. Weirdo.
Anyway - I can feel myself slipping into unconciousness again, so I'll sign off here before I land face down on the keyboard send 8000 gfggfgfhd's as my weblog.
Edited Tue 5 Mar 02, 7:18 PM by billybofh
