Posted by LittleLadyBecca on Tue 18 Jan 11, 12:50 AM to LittleLadyBecca's blog.
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It's 2:30 am and I'm lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to modern country music and failing miserably at sleeping. I feel like crying and can't explain why in words. Is this sub drop? Is it something more? It's too similar to the old and weirdly comforting feeling of depression for my liking. The lack of motivation, the despondent feeling, the total and overwhelming nothingness of my emotional wellbeing. I know that this isn't normal; isn't healthy. Why do I know this? I haven't asked people and no study has been presented to me as evidence but somehow I just feel like I know. It feels wrong. This isn't how I should feel.
I miss you already. I can't tell you though. I'm too afraid of scaring you away. I shouldn't be scared but I am. Why?
I've been trying to tell you that I love you for about a month now. Actually trying rather than just wanting to. I've wanted to for a good 12 months. I'll lay next to you, head on your chest or arms draped across and around you and I'll take a breath...then nothing. The words stay hidden. I can hear them in my head. I can hear all the different ways I could say it. I question myself as to what the best way would be. Should I whisper it? Should I wait till you're nearly asleep so that you can pretend not to have heard if you don't feel the same so as to avoid any possible discomfort on your part? If I decide to do that how will I know when you're the right level of nearly asleep? What if I wait too long and you're actually asleep? What if I don't know that you're asleep and assume that you don't feel the same? Will it break everything? Have I missed the moment? I think I have. Best to leave it for now just to be sure.
Maybe I should just tell you. Up front and honest is the best policy right? But is that too confrontational? Will it make you cringe with discomfort at being put in a position like that? I don't want to cause that. When is the right time?
I've never done this before; I feel out of my depth.
I've always made people fall in love with me. Never before have I had to be the one to take the risk and say it first. I used to pride myself on my ability to make a man fall in love with me. Three months maximum. Not you though. It'll be 18 months on Wednesday and I still feel like a lost child when you aren't here.
This weekend was wonderful, as every weekend with you is. Laughter and smiling and secret little smiles and in-jokes. All soft butterfly touches and blood; carnal hunger and cuddles. When I think of the future you aren't just in it, you are it. Can I tell you this? Do you want to know? I so badly want you to know. I want to give you everything I possibly can. Do you want what I'm offering?
I'm so confused, so full of contradictions. I'm pushing myself further away from you when all I want is to be closer. I have a choice between the career I want and the man I think I need. How do I choose between my futures? I can feel myself trying to self-sabotage and yet I can't seem to stop.
I know you noticed me shaking on Friday night. You still make me nervous every time I see you. My nerves make me clumsier than usual and I seem to lose any semblance of grace that I may have previously had. I embarrass myself more than usual and I blush easier. I so want to be perfect for you, but is that even possible?
So far I sound like a crazed fan girl; obsessive and a little unhinged. I don't mean to. This is what it looks like when you release over a year of pent up emotion. Feelings that are hidden away behind lock and key seem to become more powerful and terrifying when they are finally unleashed.
I can cry tomorrow. Tally will be upset too. We can be upset together. Ultimately I think she has a better reason than I do, the ten days I'll have to wait paling into insignificance next to the wait she has, but I still can't contain my jealousy at the emotional freedom she has. Can we have that? Is it possible? Or are you just not that kind of person?
Last night you held me as I cried. I wasn't crying sad tears or happy tears. I cried because I had too much emotion holed up and I needed a release. You gave me that. You held my breath for me and gave me a way to let go. To trust someone enough to let them cut off your oxygen is powerful. To take the risk of holding a life in your hands is so much more. I thought too much last night. I thought about how life would be without you in it. I thought about what would happen if I met you when I was old and realised then, too late, that I should have been with you all along. All those wasted moments. It was too much for me to contain. I can't explain why my emotions are hitting such peaks at the minute. I can't tell you why I'm focusing so much on the negative possibilities. I can't tell you because I don't know. It's like I'm lost within myself.
It's 4:20 now. I've been sat here typing for a little under two hours and it isn't having its usual cathartic effect. I don't feel like I can sleep. My mind is too active. I'm too close to tears. What's wrong with me?! I feel like I'm saying goodbye but I'm not. I'm not saying goodbye. As far as I know you aren't going anywhere. You keep assuring me that you aren't.
I hope I dream of you tonight.
I miss you.
