What is the easiest & hardest part of D/s for you? (51)

I was mulling over what I find the easiest and what I find the most challenging about being in a D/s relationship and found myself curious about what others think from both sides of the coin.

So to get the ball rolling:

Easiest:

I find sexual control the easiest. It's very exciting for me which means I find it easier to give. I like it when we're together and when we're apart. I don't seem to struggle with giving up sexual control even on an ongoing basis and it's helpful to start building feelings of submission with me.

Hardest:

The most challenging thing of all for me is keeping my attitude in check, particularly if I disagree with something my Dominant says. It's even worse if I'm tired, have PMT or don't feel too well. There have been a couple of occassions recently when I have had to remove myself from the room at a tactful moment to let the strop or defiance disperse before I trust myself to be in the same room again!

I also have to add, changing the bedding! There are about a hundred rules relating to labels and positions and stuff and I find changing bedding difficult at the best of times. By the end I always feel achey and fed up and often realise I've got a beepin' label in the wrong place and will have to change it again!! This brings me nicely back to the first thing on my 'harderst' list!

I could come up with more but it's your turn now!

"Don't Dream It - Be It" - The Rocky Horror Show 1973

Even stupid things like carrying drinks back from a bar make me cringe because I see so many parallels between dominance and making decisions - my decisions. But I have to accept that, if the drinks are going to arrive at the table in the glasses rather than slopped on the floor, then it makes sense. And of course the less energy I expend, the more I have for other, more interesting, things.

So the hardest thing for me is reconciling my dominance with reality. It's not a big issue though, and it will get easier once I get my head around it, and when that happens I suspect that the hardest will become the easiest. And then I'll have to think of something else!

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars." - Oscar Wilde
"You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing." - Sir Arnold Bax

More serious answer is...errrrrrrr I'm strugling to think of one.

Easiest: Taking responsibility and maintaining a sense of humor as the dominant.

Hardest: Accepting disappointment when obedience doesn't happen. I try not to take it personally but it can be just crushing to have your hopes dashed like that.

-- The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone's concern, and like vampires they suck our life's blood. (Bette Davis)

Wow, this is a really interesting insight! I always assume that the responsibility of being a Dominant must be really hard. I worry about it sometimes.

I hadn't thought so much about things like feeling disappointed by a lack of obedience. It makes sense. @Hartless is always telling me that all she wants from me is obedience and I see how she beams with happiness when my obedience happens quickly and instinctively. I hadn't thought about how the reverse could actually be really difficult though. I'll have to ask her about it!

"Don't Dream It - Be It" - The Rocky Horror Show 1973

Easiest: Looking after my Boss, doing what I am told or what is set as my regular routine duty, and providing whatever physical pleasure is wanted with no expectations of my own.

Hardest: Staying calm and accepting and fully submissive when my Boss isn't feeling up to imposing obvious control. My failure, not hers. She is wonderful and I must be able to support her fully when she needs it and hasn't the time to indulge my needs. That is really the hardest thing, but I think it is the most important area I need to work on myself about.

Edited 6 Jan 11, 7:56 AM by DrTaps

I really struggle with letting go of the control, we have aspects of D/s but were not ready to hand each other the responsibility.

I love reading all the D/s threads, stories, dynamics its pretty intense stuff.

I guess I'm just a little insecure to place that kind of trust in another's hands.

Controlling someone doesn't take a strong person it takes a special type of person.

"Its All About the Experience"

Oh this one is so so hard. This was an ongoing struggle for me. I found that even if I could manage it on the surface, I couldn't control how I felt about it, and I became unhappy so quickly if it wasn't possible to experience the overt control for any length of time. I'm still not sure how I would deal with that if it came up again.

In my current relationship I experienced one evening when my Dominant was unable and unwilling to be overtly dominant due to being completely mellowed out by a healing type experience. I bawled my eyes out and got in a complete state. So, I guess you could say I haven't quite mastered that one yet!!

To be fair though, what upset me wasn't that she was choosing not to exert her dominance but that it felt as if it had vabished completely. *shudder* So perhaps it isn't quite the same thing.

"Don't Dream It - Be It" - The Rocky Horror Show 1973

I have to agree with you on the hardest thing. I'm more than a little bit disabled now and I find it really hard watching M having to do just about everything for me.

I wasn't ill when we met so it's meant the stuff I used to do regularly isn't possible anymore... as you say, even down to the little things like him bringing me a cup of tea.

I'm coming at it from the other side though... I was the s in the relationship, so I do feel guilty, even though I know it's not my fault.

And Yes Pinkylucy... I'm right there with holding my tongue too... especially now when I can see things being done 'not the way I used to do them'.

Actually... that's just the new reasoning for having to hold my tongue. I've always had a 'slight' problem with it

Lorii

I'm sorry you had to go through that. However, I guess a lot of us have been there (I know I have).

When the "trust-trump" is played (and thus your opinions and feelings are overruled), it almost always represents bad news IMO. Cause, in the end, you simply cant be dominated by someone that doesnt know you inside out and uses that knowledge to his advantage, and thus not dismisses your input.

I think the hardest part for me (cause it is the opposite of my core being), was to learn to make a difference between *needing* to trust someone, and still be able to listen to my own (gut) feelings.

I'm naturally very much inclined to follow, to not make a problem and thus very receptive to the trust-argument. But precisely cause I know that, I learned that especially in a D/s I need to be able to draw a line (or say "no") at appropriate times.

To answer the OP, in short, for me, the most difficult thing in submitting, and the hugest paradox too, was to learn to say "no", to not feel guilty about that, and to fully trust him to respect that. If I wouldnt do that, he would end up with a "broken" toy. I had to fully understand that I am responsible as much as my partner is, that I own my own submission.

I think, when you meet someone, that likes you for who you are (not for the image they have of you), cause you share the same values and deeply respect eachother for that, he will make sure that he will not betray your trust, and you will never have to say no again.

BTW... I still struggle with that on a daily basis, when for example I need to let my kids needs go first I still feel I have to apologise. Thanks to J's reactions, I am getting better at it though....

Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash. (Harriet Rubin)

Edited 6 Jan 11, 7:43 AM by othyim

lily
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