A question for "alpha" subs (33)

I would now narrow down the audience to the alphas that crave a 24/7 D/s relationship and who have actually lived full time with a partner (also their Mistress or Master) for some time. (And because of those threads floating about recently implying that 24/7 is somehow not fun, hard work, pretentious, and leaves no time for anything else in life, I would like to pose this question only to those who know instantly that this is not so).

Right, so: what made you able to submit to your partner on such a level?

I ask this because I am struggling with the notion that when two people of very similar energies in "vanilla life" try to create a fulfilling, realistic, profound D/s relationship it can sometimes be incredibly hard, given there isn't enough of, what I can only call, an "energy gap" (not implying stronger and weaker, or superior and inferior energy, just different energy when it comes to control). I whole-heartedly acknowledge that subs are usually strong individuals, that BDSM sexuality often doesn't mimic at all "vanilla life" personalities (subs can be absolute control freak leaders while Dom/mes can be laid back Hippie poets), yet I feel that perhaps this can actually pose a problem for some couples.

I am not talking about "energy" in the sense of "chemistry" between two people, I mean a simplified range of how much one cares about exerting control.

I am by nature not overly bossy or bitchy, but I am incredibly aware of control and my firm grasp of it in most areas of my life (and some other peoples'). I seek out men with similar energies to mine (perhaps this is my mistake), always subs in the BDSM sense though, and have struggled with the fact that the similarity in our energies creates problems in achieving the 24/7 D/s life we both crave.

From my own experiences and talking to others, this seems to be as big of a problem to some as is finding a partner in the first place. However, people seem reluctant to talk about it openly on forums since it is hard to admit that they've hit a brick wall, or that they doubt their Dommyness or subbyness or whatever, or that things haven't turned out at all the way they thought it would, or are simply in denial and pretend that they are quite pleased with their relationship. Therefore these topics tend to be reserved for memos and late night chats.

It can be a psychological nightmare, since no matter how much communication is done, no matter how much love there is, if the energies are too similar it tends to feel to the sub as if they are subbing to themselves. Yet topping their energies would mean turning into Genghis Khan.

Ironically, I had a divine D/s relationship with my very first, utterly vanilla boyfriend, which lasted many years; I didn't recognize it at the time as D/s, and we split up because our actual sex wasn't good. He was a laid back stoner and I was an ambitious young Domme...Yet I seem to be drawn to the alpha variety of people, and will doubtfully date a laid back stoner ever again...Eh.

So aside from utilising the mind-over-matter technique, or subbing to Cleopatra herself, how do alpha subs, and their Dom/mes cope with this?

Was your question about "energy"? I do lots of things pretty successfully so I've tended to have boyfriends who are the same. That makes me compatible. It doesn't cause problems and men like that want someone similar. Someone in his slippers retired from work or plonked in from the television every night is not like to want me nor I him.

You are unlikely to be happy long term with someone you can't relate to outside of D/s, or you wouldn't be happy to introduce to your friends, but that doesn't need to mean that the field is narrowed impossibly. It all depends on how dogmatic you choose to be about who that person might be.

In reality, the pool to choose from is pretty small to start with, and when you overlay the need for D/s compatibility it can be a small puddle. You need to decide what is most important to you and follow that route; if social compatibility is of prime importance, then that must be your start point or if it's D/s compatibility then start there.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars." - Oscar Wilde
"You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing." - Sir Arnold Bax

I think what you are saying is it's hard to find someone who isn't either too 'rebellious' or someone who is too much of a pushover/lazyish. You want someone who is as active and mentally strong as you but still bends to your will.

You're probably going to find a lot of 'alpha' males who might be what you're attracted by who have no desire to submit. You'll find some who might be open to it but who aren't able to. But you might find some one that is able to 'not be alpha' when they're with you.

Then there's the other side of the coin and probably what you'd call 'beta' males. You might get the guy that will probably submit to you fine but doesn't give you any excitement. You might get a guy that submits fine but is capable of being 'alpha' with some practice.

Then there's the people in between who flip flop between being alpha and beta all the time anyway. The key though is recognizing who is likely to change if necessary and who isn't (like with your laid back stoner).

tl;dr Find what you find attractive, see if the dynamic you want works straight away or if you can make it work. Some people can change, some can't.

He's just even more so.

Although I am pretty egotistical, I look up to him in many ways and the desire to submit to him is so strong, and makes me feel so good, that I never resent his control. Maybe precisely because I am so controlling with others? I possibly like the complete rest from that.

I also think I secretly admire him for being able to control someone as bossy and independent as me.

agree, there is alot of macho to suffering to please the woman you love.

I guess there are 2 parts to the man, he is alpha and he is submissive. Why choose when you can be both?

commitment is like ham and eggs. the chicken makes a contribution, the pig makes a commitment.

If the dom/mmes can't cope with that maybe they are weak and incapable.

just my opinion.

However like you I tend to attract submissive men, which is frustrating, my best friend who is also my "shag" buddy so to speak, (as neither of us are ready for a full relationship but have needs!). He is also in the same career path as me so Dominant but cannot make a decision to save his life bless him. Hence we could never be in a relationship together. It is very frustrating in the bedroom as I want to be tied up, used and abused, his idea of "dirty talk" is "wow your Dominant" NO I am not, we have thought about switching for each other, but as I have said this is not long term, in the long term I definitely want, need, crave a Dominant partner. I also recognise that I am a complicated challenge as I know what I want in life, and a Dominant partner unless truly totally "the perfect guy" would have to fit into my plans.

This prob went off a bit but hopefully it makes sense.

^^ agree with this, for me there needs to be a lot of vanilla compatibility too because, as was said on another thread about 24/7 D/s, you need that level of compatibility for a good D/s relationship (it isn't all about 'play'), or at least I do

I also agree with @ClassAct2005 that I am reasonably successful in the vanilla sense, so I've tended to have partners who are the same. That is part of what can makes me/him compatible, because that success stimulates both of us. And like @Misunderstoodslave, it is important for me to be able to admire/respect my partner for being able to control someone as bossy and independent as me (if he can't, it won't work long term between us). So I need my partner to in his own way be successful and strong and naturally dominant. I want to be submissive because it is the natural way for me to be with him, because he is naturally dominant with me, and because that is the way we "fit" together emotionally. So I think it really is a question of finding the right person with whom you have that "fit" thing, and as it is a small puddle it isn't easy to find.

There's a somebody i'm longing to see, i hope that he turns out to be, someone to watch over me
i'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood, i know i could always be good, to one who'll watch over me (Ella Fitzgerald)