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| coinoperatedgirl |
I don't usually write these kind of blogs, but I'm feeling horribly down at the moment and I guess I just wanted to spill my guts somewhere. Little white internet text boxes are good listeners.
I'm depressed because I'm shit at taking my medication, the weather is crap and I don't like this time of year but mostly because I have let my weight balloon up to the heaviest it has ever been. Around March/April, I reached the *lowest* weight I have ever been in my adult life - inside the 14st bracket. And then I put it all back on again - and more. 5+ stone in 8 months. 8 MONTHS.
Today I went into Evans and tried on a size 26/28 jacket. I've never gone above a size 24 before, but guess what? Even the size 26/28 didn't fit. And that was the biggest size they had. I don't even fit into Evans' clothes anymore. That was a pretty fucking horiffic moment.
I'm the only one to blame, I know. Just stop eating like a fucking pig and I'll lose weight. I'm fat because I eat too much of the wrong stuff and I don't do much exericise. I know. I know, intellectually, what I should be doing and what I shouldn't. It's simple physics. There's nothing wrong with me that means I can't lose weight - if I ate less and exercised more, I *would* lose weight.
But emotionally, I feel completely helpless. I feel trapped inside my own body. I don't have the strength anymore. I've been dieting since I was ten years old. It sounds feeble and self-pitying, but I don't have much left. I don't have it in me to go through it all again.
@DoctorEvil is convinced that if we make my diet and exericise regime a part of our D/s relationship, I'll lose weight. He has literally bought chain to confine me to one room so that I can't get to the kitchen, and has placed the key in a 'smash in an emergency' bottle so I can be chained up when he's not here. But I'm skeptical because I know myself too well. I know what I'm like. I will lie to him, and I'll cheat to get food. When I tell him this, he takes it as a slight on his dominance, but really it's a slight on my ability to submit. He tells me I'll get nowhere with such a negative attitude which is true, but things just look extraordinarily bleak and hopeless from where I'm standing. And I don't know what to do.
I'm terrified.
I have tried to be happy as I am. I subscribe to several fat-positive and fat-acceptance blogs, written by some extremely awesome ladies who have embraced their belly rolls and triple chins and made fat a political issue. I visit fatshionista websites and look at pictures of ferocious fatties and truly genuinely think they're beautiful. But the fact remains that I am miserable about my size, and I don't want to be like this anymore.
But I feel trapped. And alone, and beginning to founder, and not doing very well at keeping my head above water.
| 30 Dec 10, 9:54 PM xXx_scarlet_xXx UK, 4 yrs |
I'm so sorry to read this and know you are hurting so much. You have nothing to lose at all by trying the support of Dr Evil have you? You have the New Year, a brand new start and somone's support being offered on a plate. It's more than most people have. You are a lucky girl. I think firstly, you have to forgive yourself and allow yourself to start again...slowly. Go for it, keep us up to date on your weight loss x
(º•.¸(¨*•.¸¸.•*¨)¸.•º) «.•°•. Scarlet .•°•.» (¸.•º(¸.•¨**¨•.¸)º•.¸) Edited 30 Dec 10, 9:56 PM by xXx_scarlet_xXx | ||
| 30 Dec 10, 9:59 PM cuddlybeth UK, 6 yrs  |
am so sorry to hear you problem but am sure with Dr Evil's help you will win through I am last one to talk about weight but with my back problem exercising is last thing I can do. Hope to see you in New Year and hear all is helping b | ||
| 30 Dec 10, 10:00 PM just_iana UK(SS), 6 yrs |
you know you can loose weight - you have done..so you can do it again i joined weight watchers , and i am not on a diet as such, i have just changed how i eat...small changes... i'm not hungry, not at all i've lost 32 pounds in 17 weeks, and i gained no weight over xmas...now, i ate very well over xmas, very well indeed, but stayed on track. i've dieted all my life, and now i am not dieting, i am just eating very well AND loosing weight. I dotn buy food i cant or shouldnt eat. if i eat out, i plan wha ti will have, and i stick to that plan. i used food to mark everything, celebrate, commiserate, reward myslef, punish myself...now i dont. I just stopped, no drama, i just dont need to do that. I have a target weight, known only to me, but i also have a whole heap of little goals, and so far , because they are all achievable and tangible, i am gettign there... i;m saying this becuase i thought i;d never geton top of this, and as i say have dieted all my life...so i get where you are.....but i also know (and so do you) that you can change this... and people will help you...each week after i am weighed i text 10 friends...i trust each one of them, and they all support me, in different ways...do whatever works for you... you can do this hun x
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| 30 Dec 10, 10:05 PM xXx_scarlet_xXx UK, 4 yrs |
I absolutely love this bit of your response. So true. No drama, just do it. Well done x (º•.¸(¨*•.¸¸.•*¨)¸.•º) «.•°•. Scarlet .•°•.» (¸.•º(¸.•¨**¨•.¸)º•.¸) | ||
| 30 Dec 10, 10:08 PM just_iana UK(SS), 6 yrs |
whats really amazed me has been how easy it was to do, i just had to make the decision, once and for all | ||
| 30 Dec 10, 10:42 PM rubberesque UK(W), 5 yrs |
I'm so sorry to read this. This was my situation four or five years ago. I weighed close to 22 stone and hadn't left the house except to go visit my mom in London and back home again. I hated answering the door to delivery men because I felt I was inflicting my hideousness upon the world... I've lost weight since, Over half my body weight in fact, and am now a personal trainer. I got into it because I knew how I felt, how I hated myself, how my body wouldn't do what I wanted! Read a few of my blogs, especially on the @WeightManagement group I started.... Please if you want any help, an ear I'm very happy to talk. Even if you memo and want to chat on the phone. I hate seeing people like this. I was there. I cheated myself too, I'd convince myself that certain things like prawns etc wouldn't count because they were "good for me" etc. *hugs* I'm a woman! We don't say what we WANT! But we reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating! And not a little bit scary. | ||
| 30 Dec 10, 10:55 PM misunderstoodslave UK(OL), 2 yrs |
This is an entirely personal response and not relevant to anyone but me. I accept that. It may or may not have any use to you, and if you can manage your weight through healthy diet and exercise, that is much the best solution: I struggled with weight all my life. I lost 6 - 8 stone and then put it back on again between 2000 and 2005. I then decided, aged 41, that it wasn't going to happen for me and my food addiction would always win. I feared an early death due to obesity. My BMI was 47, which is serious. I therefore had a gastric bypass, followed 3 years later by a tummy tuck for the loose skin and arm reduction, again loose skin. My only regret is that I didn't do it at least 10 years sooner. It is shameful and I tell only those closest to me. It is somehow embarrassing to have "bought" your body or sorted a weight issue through surgery. I care not, mostly, any more. I am a different person and feel so much better. It has, if I'm honest, made me incredibly vain - possibly bks I spent many years unable to be vain, as I was fat and unhappy about it. I like the fact that people think I'm pretty now. I regret the lost years, when I could have been a pretty lady, if I'd had the operation earlier. It's worth thinking about, even if only to reject it and realise it's something you would never want for yourself. | ||
| 30 Dec 10, 11:19 PM rubberesque UK(W), 5 yrs |
I lost 12 stone in 10 months doing a food replacement diet. I see nothing wrong with going the surgery route. The surgeries I'm currently recovering from are similar to the ones you had to have post weight loss. I actually asked my doctor about the gastric band route but she put me on orlistat instead! UGH! Bad side effects! Anyway you decide to lose the weight I just wish you the best (To the OP Of course) No one will judge you. It's a horrible feeling to be so desperate! I'm a woman! We don't say what we WANT! But we reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating! And not a little bit scary. | ||
| 30 Dec 10, 11:25 PM Jezzebelle UK, 10 yrs |
Try Slimming World... A friend of mine who I am very proud of, Oscagne here on IC has lost well over 10 stone, he never complains that he is hungry, heck he probably eats more than I do! http://www.flickr.com/photos/jezzebelle/ | ||
| 30 Dec 10, 11:25 PM FairyGirl UK(YO), 3 yrs   |
I'm in the same boat to be honest. I'm heavier than I have ever been in my adult life too. If I make a conscious decision to change my mindset towards food, I do lose a little weight. Then I get complacent. Thus, lose no weight!
I've started with things like... Only having one takeaway a week. My daddy has given me a rule where I'm supposed to cook three proper meals a week with two different types of veg - so he's taking an active interest and as long as I'm trying, he's okay with it I really do feel for you though, and I hope it doesn't feel as bad soon. "Nothing saves anyone's life, Sir. It just postpones their death." - Posner , The History Boys. |
