Posted by subette on Wed 29 Dec 10, 2:00 PM to subette's blog.
Sometimes I fuck up big style. As much as it can hurt and disappoint (me and others) the fact I fuck up sometimes, just like anyone else, doesn't surprise me. I wish I knew it all and had all the answers and never let things like fear or uncertainty get in my way, but I am only human.
It has taken me a long time to understand that people often see me as this sorted, worldy person who knows where she's going and doesn't let anything phase her. Even my family, who really should know me better by now, get sucked in, so convincing is this myth. It couldn't be further from the truth.
But I can see how sometimes I give off that impression. For some reason I have always felt the responsibility to try and find answers to people's questions, even when I am not sure of the answer myself. I can see how what, to me, is often thinking aloud or testing out theories can come across as confidence and assertion. When I do this I am often operating on a theoretical level - mapping out how things might work in my brain without thinking of the emotions or reality involved. It can make people overestimate my ability to deal with any situation which comes my way. It can make people underestimate how flawed and human I am.
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It is hard to be in a position of knowing you have fucked up and hurt someone you love. It is even harder when they won't let you take your share of the blame for the situation; when they see you as this sorted person who handled every situation exactly as she would've wanted and wouldn't go back and change her mistakes if she could.
Because, just as acknowledging your own mistakes is the first step to putting things right and learning the lessons you need to, acknowledging the mistakes of others is the only way to see the whole picture (it is rarely one-sided) - the first step to seeing if things can be put right and moving on (in whatever direction that may be).
And to forgiving them for their part. I don't know about anyone else, but I need that acknowledgement because, when I have fucked up, I need forgiveness.
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I fucked up badly recently. I entered unchartered waters without a map or a compass and got lost. I guess it might have seemed like I knew the terrain and the direction I was headed. But, in reality, I was feeling my way through the dark - my head filled with unanswered questions and stumbling to find the route as much as the next person would, regardless of how confident and self-assured I might have looked.
I took some wrong turns and tried to backtrack and find the right direction again. Sometimes it worked, sometimes I ended up even more disorientated. And then, when I finally found the right course, the ship pulled away just out of my reach.
I got scared. I hurt someone and then let the fear of hurting them more hold me back from saying things that might have put it right.
I wish I was the super-human people seem to think I am. Because it hurts - this being human lark.
Edited Wed 29 Dec 10, 2:09 PM by subette
