This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Fri 24 Dec 10, 10:03 AM wonderer UK, 5 yrs   |
In another thread, De said:
(De had made it clear that the post was referring to De's own relationships, not anyone else's. ) I can see this having a certain safety value in some contexts. But I can also imagine others might find it incompatible with a totally submitted relationship. I wonder whether others share De's view, or whether some specifically prohibit / discourage outside perspectives and support networks?
Obviously this is a very personal area, and some may not wish to share. But there may be some who would like to - people on here are sometimes remarkably frank and open about their relationships with such wonderful, unusual, innovative dynamics.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" (Albert Einstein) | |
| 24 Dec 10, 10:19 AM Degenerate  UK(M), 5 yrs   |
 this will be interesting to read I agree different things may suit different kinds of relatonships and dynamics. Just to stand by and expand on my statement pasted above. I WOULD however reserve my right to intervene if I felt this was not in my submissive's best interests (eg if it were damaging for them because the support network isn't really supportive, or some such). Had that circumstance ever arisen I would do my best to facilitate them to find somewhere better to go for support. De Vote to repeal the kinky porn ban! http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/282427/ Edited 24 Dec 10, 10:24 AM by Degenerate | |
| 24 Dec 10, 10:23 AM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
I would p[refer some privacy. I never seem to get it. My mother read my diary, my ex husband did and I've wanted privacy of emails in relationships not because I'm involved with another man (I'm very naturally monogamous, if I'm with someone I'm his) but because I like to think and write about things to friends. I can accept a lot of dominant men don't want to allow that but I'd prefer they would. I always end up knowing about 10% about men than they know about me and I suspect that's partly because of the D/s dynamic. It doesn't hugely bother me but in a long term live in relationship/ marriage I would not want secrets. I don't want a man who has to hide from me who his friends are, what he earns, what his finances are, what children he has, never mind lovers. Of course if you're just getting to know someone it's totally different. | |
| 24 Dec 10, 10:25 AM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs     |
She says, sometimes in fun, sometimes in frustration, sometimes in acknowledgement of who she is to me: "I have nooooooooooooooo privacy". I think that's important - nothing of hers is hidden from me, and often I celebrate her here (and elsewhere) in ways that bring roses to her cheeks. She has time for thought, of course, but it's important to both of us that she's mine - and keeping things from me would impair that. My goal - to save women from nature (Dior) | |
| 24 Dec 10, 10:41 AM Elvenkind 7 yrs |
I would say everyone needs some sort of personal privacy. It doesn't matter whether your dominant or submissive. We'd all go mad if we didn't. Elvenkind xxx a 4 foot, 11 and 3/4 inch elf. | |
| 24 Dec 10, 10:44 AM Ama_Sidero UK(GU), 7 yrs      |
In general, this^^^^^ However, i would reserve the "right" to change the amount of privacy. But that has more to do with the power aspect rather than the privacy aspect. I have the passwords now of one of mine, but I rarely look (he wishes I would look more than I do - I think in a year I've looked twice). While I agree strongly with the support network and that they should be able to discuss issues without being isolated, I'm of the opinion they should really be discussing it with ME and not some faceless internet persona who in all probability does NOT have the best of interest in our relationship and seeing it work. Even real life friends rarely have the insight into a private relationship to be objectively helpful. So, it would really depend on what kind of "support" was being offered, as De says. And, to be honest, one really doesn't know unless one would look, so it is a bit of a catch 22. It refers back to the transparency thread though. I would hope that anything that they needed support with, they would have the trust to come to me with it rather than someone else. "Strip!" | |
| 24 Dec 10, 11:06 AM othyim NL, 3 yrs |
A lack of privacy of thoughs would not work for me. Sometimes, I simply need to think things through before I can make a statement, or present a line of thought, or even define a question. Obviously, when I'm at a point where these scattered bits and pieces become a *real* thought, I do share them. Secondly, for me a D/s or O&P relationship cant exist without a small circle of very dear friends, that sort of look over your shoulder and sometimes give very valuable input. IMO, both partners should have private acces to trusted peers, especially in a D/s or O&P situation. Furthermore, I've been in a situation where the whole password thing was done. In retrospective, it actually was counterproductive, cause it (at the time not a conscious process, I might add) prevented me from going through the thought processes as I mention above. Or, for example, talk to other submissives in depth. And thus, I didnt grow. Also, I would have great difficulties in dealing with situations like @mia described in the other thread (buying christmas presents and all that), cause it would prevent me from doing things I know he likes, make him happy, surprise him. Last, I'm very pro active in my submission. I anticipate, I usually do things/act before he asks. To be pro active, I need *some* privacy. So yes, I would need *some* privacy. In saying that, I dont say that he doesnt have the right to know everything (cause he does), or the right to order me to talk (if he feels that is needed). I guess we both rely on the fact that, when it is needed, we DONT keep anything from eachother. Cause that would undermine the trust and the intimacy of the relationship. And it would prevent him from making the best decisions. Please note: for us this is a mutual thing.
Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash. (Harriet Rubin) Edited 24 Dec 10, 11:24 AM by othyim | |
| 24 Dec 10, 11:07 AM Hiswhore 2 yrs |
i have sought out loneliness all my life. i need solitude, privacy, a quiet space in both time and place to think my own thoughts, to write my own words, to gather myself for Him (and any other work/social interactions). Luckily He knows that and has always provided it. There is Domly self-interest at work, i'm sure, because when i emerge from that solitude i am completely present and available for Him. But it is more than just self-interest: He is just the best guy I have ever known and i am very lucky to have found Him. Hiswhore. | |
| 24 Dec 10, 11:07 AM etty_face UK(S), 4 yrs |
I have privacy because Orbital knows that I am completely open and honest with him anyway. He never checks my texts/emails/ messages etc, though he does sometimes sit with me whilst I'm reading them. This thread has made me realise that we've never even spoken about privacy- we just trust each other. There have never been any issues about me keeping in contact and meeting up with old play partners who have remained good friends- and similarly I don't ever worry about who he talks to or visits when he's up north visitng family. We both take time to have personal space. I like to curl up with a book- he likes to play zombies on the 360!
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| 24 Dec 10, 11:21 AM successfu1 5 yrs |
Interesting one. I know of a lifestyleing sub who was forced to give up everything secret to her Master but choose to keep an email account unknown to him as a parachute in the event of a need to evacuate for her own safety. She spent a long while agonising over it's existance and if it was appropriate to doubt him and keep a 'last resort'. Given her background it kinda made sense. I've faced a simular thing with wanting some privacy but WANT to provide open book approach. I solved it when at the anniversary of my collaring I gifted him all my Passwords/PIN and phone keylock. He knew who I talked to about what anyway, don't think he used any of them but it worked for us. And we'd both worked hard to get there. "Yes, but that's just not relevant.." | |
| 24 Dec 10, 11:27 AM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
I write my thoughts so I prefer them not to be read but I've never managed to achieve that privacy except when I'm single, although even now it's only 1 in about 200 orgams where someone isn't around and about and making a noise in the house when I'm trying to do it because of having a large family. I even kept both a diary which I knew was read and separate secret writings which I hoped wasn't read at home and then in my marriage and never really got privacy of either. I even remember before I divorced my ex husband breaking the bathroom door because I wanted it locked... sigh and that was about 16 years after our relationship stopped being D/s. I suppose when I'm 80 (most women end up alone unless they marry someone 20 years younger) - 100 and no one ever comes I will remember the years of not a second's peace. |
