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Is transparency fundamental in D/s? (52)

This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.

23 Dec 10, 4:52 PM
ClassAct2005
UK(N), 7 yrs

I think it depends if you're married or not/living together. If not it's different. If you do then I don't think you need to keep anything much private except what by law you're not allowed to disclose.

It's up to each couple to decide on what privacy arrangements they want and at what stage of a relationship.

Malbon wrote:
I expect complete candour from both parties, in any matter which has a material bearing on the relationship. I've always assumed, perhaps naively at times, that one of the main benefits of my DS rels was going to be the absence of lies and evasions.

But at the same time I'm in a relationship with a mature adult. We each have private business of our own and I don't require everything to be disclosed to me in every detail, and equally I don't care to discuss everything I think or do with her. Occasionally the judgement call as to whether some matter is material to the relationship may be a tricky one, but there you go - that's life.

This, by the way, is the main reason I think the slave thing doesn't work for me, although it certainly has some appeal. I need a certain degree of independent thinking and behaviour to interact with, otherwise I would become fatally bored very quickly.

23 Dec 10, 7:43 PM
DeCoverley
UK(GL), 4 yrs

ClassAct2005 wrote:
in a sense you want to pick a dom who almost forces the woman to get competent at that kind of stuff because he loves and protects her and if died tomorrow she ought to have the skils to do tax returns, talk knowledgeably about pensions and investments and the like.

Now, you see, that's what I mean in the post about Doms being therapists, when I said that in general terms, therapy is the extending of oneself to facilitate the growth of your sub. Or something like that.

In my view, and D/s relationship includes a strong element of mentoring. One's sub may be highly competent in her profession, for example, yet have profound character weaknesses which it's in her interests to address.

Regarding the OP's question about transparency, same answer as every question about relationships which gets asked in this forum – each to his/her own.

Personally, the nurturing and moulding of one sub into one's ideal is quite a big enough task to be getting on with. Those more generous souls who like to, ahem, nurture several at the same time need to be careful they don't spread themselves too thinly

23 Dec 10, 10:39 PM
reacher
UK, 17 mths

Its important not to confuse trust and transperancy.

I don't think you can have full transperancy, but then if you have full trust I don't think you need to.

23 Dec 10, 10:45 PM
CookieMonster
UK, 6 yrs

non-transparency is a form of power play/exchange. Consent is another issue.

Whatever bakes your loaf.

23 Dec 10, 10:47 PM
Scribbles
UK(RH), 4 yrs

I choose to go in for a lot of transparency. It's never been asked of me but I find it helpful. It's not symmetrical - but I'd say that was at least as much a difference of personality as our particular orientation to each other.

I'm wary of the "Dominant as therapist" thing. Taking the lead in scenes seems enough to me - it takes energy, time and thought. But I prefer a dynamic that is intense rather than steep, if that makes sense.

23 Dec 10, 11:00 PM
othyim
NL, 3 yrs

DeCoverley wrote:
In my view, and D/s relationship includes a strong element of mentoring.

Um, excuse me please.... but this is a rather condascending thing to say, IMO. Unless you meant it to be mutual.....

Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash. (Harriet Rubin)

Edited 23 Dec 10, 11:07 PM by othyim

23 Dec 10, 11:14 PM
fellatrix
UK, 2 yrs

I think if you have sufficient trust there isn't any need for complete transparency.

Having said that, if my dom asked for passwords etc I would have no qualms about giving them to him, because I know I can trust him not to abuse that information. And althugh I'm not a bratty sub I do sometimes have bratty thoughts which I feel obliged to confess to him

DeCoverley wrote:

Doms are people too and consequently they can also have prpfound character flaws but I suppose we subs just have to put up with that. Heigh-ho.

23 Dec 10, 11:32 PM
DeCoverley
UK(GL), 4 yrs

fellatrix wrote:
Doms are people too and consequently they can also have prpfound character flaws but I suppose we subs just have to put up with that. Heigh-ho.

Of course they can. But, in my personal opinion, if you're taking charge of someone in the way often discussed in these pages, you should be at least a few pages ahead of them in the book of how to do life… one of the reasons why (again in my personal opinion and experience) this works best when the Dom is significantly older.

23 Dec 10, 11:53 PM
ladydreams
UK(CR), 3 yrs

To me, the D/s relationship is built on trust and in turn this comes through being honest with each other so if this is termed as transparency then yes it is a very important part of the dynamic.

This allows my Master to understand me better and facilitates my complete submission.

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender - Aerosmith

Edited 23 Dec 10, 11:57 PM by ladydreams

23 Dec 10, 11:54 PM
fellatrix
UK, 2 yrs

DeCoverley wrote:

fellatrix wrote:
Doms are people too and consequently they can also have prpfound character flaws but I suppose we subs just have to put up with that. Heigh-ho.

Well I'm not looking for anyone to fix my flaws, and at my age they are pretty well ingrained. But I find there are some definite advantages to having a youger dom ; )

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