This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Tue 21 Dec 10, 2:27 PM wonderer UK, 5 yrs   |
A sort of offshoot from the thread about cheating, sparked off by this post:
Is 100% transparency always necessary in a D/s relationship? Is the expectation of transparency symmetrical or is it an expectation of the sub only? I can understand how this might be part of some people's dynamic. Is it everyone's? (I guess there could be awkward areas where the sub hears confidential matters - e.g. work related politics, family matters, a counsellor role, Official Secrets, share-price related insider info etc, but these could perhaps be covered by some kind of explicit agreement.) "Imagination is more important than knowledge" (Albert Einstein) | |||
| 21 Dec 10, 2:29 PM mia  UK(M), 4 yrs       |
In our relationship i know what he wants me to know, he knows everything. I can go into further details if anyone wants specifics, but essentially, that's how it works for us, day in, day out. x If i'm wrong at least i don't matter. | |||
| 21 Dec 10, 2:32 PM Asshole_Magnet UK(EX), 22 mths |
100% transparency is always necessary in EVERY relationship based upon mutual respect and trust. edit - think of a window, neither party *has* to look through if *they* choose not to, but the window must always be there and clear and unobstructed. I'm not cynical mate, just experienced. Edited 21 Dec 10, 2:34 PM by Asshole_Magnet | |||
| 21 Dec 10, 2:46 PM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs    |
I expect nothing to be hidden from me, and hide nothing from her. There are many things for which I would expect her to seek my consent. I would not ask her for consent to my decisions, but I do discuss things in advance and I value her judgment hugely - so perhaps that's the close to seeking consent? In any event, transparency is vital. My goal - to save women from nature (Dior) | |||
| 21 Dec 10, 2:57 PM mia UK(M), 4 yrs |
That might be how it works for you, but for you to dictate how every relationship must be run seems rather self confident to me. If i use an example of correspondence. He has my passwords for email and social networking accounts and regularly reads my memos here and mails elsewhere. As for snail mail, he has opened more official looking post and can open personal letters too, if he wants, but he has yet to do that. He sometimes looks through my text messages or my call list. I don't know his passwords, nor his phone pin and so cannot read anything he does not want to share with me. When i ask him who has memo'd him, emailed him, text him, etc, he will often tell me, as he has nothing to hide. There is nowhere near 100% transparency in our relationship (i've just used one example here) and neither of us feel there has to be in order for us to have a loving, trusting relationship. We just have different boundries we exist within. x If i'm wrong at least i don't matter. | |||
| 21 Dec 10, 3:21 PM Graci_e UK, 5 yrs |
my relationship is like this...Sire has all my passwords and can check what He wishes...He rarely does the fact that i've given them to Him means He knows i'm not trying to hide anything. i do not have access to His profile or any of His accounts and i don't need to. Wwe are more often than not side by side He can see my screen, i can see His if i so choose...He hides nothing from me but then i don't feel any need to know what He is up to. Wwe are poly i will get permission from Him before i did or do anything and He will and can do whatever He likes with whomever He likes and He doesn't need to tell me...He does and that's lovely.
The amount of openness works for Oour relationship.
gracie
| |||
| 21 Dec 10, 7:11 PM reacher UK, 17 mths |
I absolutely agree. Sometimes its hurts but I feel its better to know that live under incorrect assumptions
| |||
| 23 Dec 10, 1:52 AM SinPar US, 12 yrs |
O/p gets a bad rep because it is often done badly or because you only hear about the train-wrecks that cause drama or even make the news. The good relationships seem to form and then drift off because the relationships themselves are so complete that they aren't really influenced by conventional kinky culture- each one is unique according the people in it. Watching the culture evolve for the last thirty or so years I've come to the conclusion that few things irritate other kinky people more than visible happiness that they can't be a part of. O/p just isn't well understood unless you're wired for it. Either that or it's one of those things similar to when adults would tell you "You'll understand when you're older" - you don't really *get it* until you hit some point where you discover just how right it feels. Sort of like love. SinPar -- The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone's concern, and like vampires they suck our life's blood. (Bette Davis) | |||
| 23 Dec 10, 4:51 AM Adwhored UK(BN), 10 yrs |
Nothing is always nor necessary. Things change and evolve as do relationships. Relationships need trust, but a trust that is understood by all parties for what it is. As much as that can be agreed verbally and lustfully keenly initially it will grow and evolve over time and almost certainly change. The problem is, it's not about the here and now. It was about way back then that has shaped us and what's to come that we will respond to. Over the years my motto has become never say never. I find the true issue isn't in fact about transparency in a relationship but more acutely with oneself. We have to be congruent and understand who we are, why we are, to even then start to accept what the other person is and then the relationship. So for me, as regards to symmetry etc, it will be what the parties involved want it to be until they don't! Simplistic yes, but even the fundamentally owned has said get lost or the owner has said I don't want this or you. Or on a positive note they have evolved and become different so the transparency changes with them. It's easy to say read my messages, check out my phone while it's wanted, it's harder when it's resented as can happen. It's really hard however to be truly transparent about yourself and the relationship which is deeper than trust anyway. It's been a while!! Debs xx "Woman in her greatest perfection was made to serve and obey man." John Knox | |||
| 23 Dec 10, 6:23 AM roblxxx UK(PO), 17 mths |
Having been brought up in a high security environment work matters should never be talked about at home IMO. The only way to avoid anything you say not winding up in the Press is to say nothing to anyone, not even your husband, wife or partner. As the old adage goes, "Walls have ears"
So leave those sausages in the Freezer | |||
| 23 Dec 10, 6:27 AM Hiswhore 2 yrs |
Whether it is necessary or not is beside the point; in my view, 100% transparency is simply unattainable. i am absolutely sure that i don't know myself well enough to be 100% transparent and so i am certain that no one else can see me with such clarity. Not even Him. Quite apart from anything else, i am never the same person twice, never the same again: who is? And, supposing hypothetically that such a thing was possible, i don't think it would be desirable anyway. Without wonder, the unexpected, the perpetual possibility of unsought and unpredictable revelation, life would be very boring indeed. The pleasure of another, my joy and my delight, lies in their unfathomable depths, their unknown and unknowable realms; in their mystery lies my ecstasy. Hiswhore. ETA a further thought! Edited 23 Dec 10, 6:35 AM by Hiswhore |
