Posted by janiya
on Mon 20 Dec 10, 7:42 PM to janiya's blog.
F*ck off world! It wasn't how it was meant to be. Even today i'm not sure that it really happened, or that i survived through it all. Sometimes it feels long ago, other times like yesterday. I was in the kitchen and you were eating dinner on a tray when i heard it fall to the ground. I came through and saw you clutching your chest. I asked you if i should call '112' and you just nodded.
I remeber panic in my voice as i spoke to the operator. There was nothing that i could do to console you. Your lips started to turn blue as you struggled to breath. I heard the ambulance go past then turn back on itself as it arrived with a paramedic car. I already had the front door wide open. I spetted away from you to let them do they job adn not be in the way. One of them told me to pack an overnight bag, and make sure that i had both ID's and money / phone etc...
I don't know what they did to you really, but i remember hearing you scream in pain more than once. You never made a fuss about pain, and this i had never heard before. They let me follow in the front of the ambulance. There was lots of snow on the road. I remember being angry with a motorist that stalled at the traffic lights by the park, blocking our way, so we had to go round the wrong side of the road.
I don't remember much about Gävle hospital. It took them a long time to assess you. Your dad came after i called him when i realised that this was serious. You were still conscious and talking at the point. You had a private chat with him. To this day i sitll don't know what was said. I had never seen your dad look so pale and sad. They did all kinds of test on you... then almost seven hours later they told me that you were going to Uppsala. I asked if i could go with, but they didn't know. Said that i had to talk with the ambulance crew, if there was room for me. I don't understand why it took them so long to make the decision to send you to Uppsala. Why didn't they fly you there? The weather was awful outside.
The ambluance people let me go with them, but i had to sit in the front as they would be preparing you for theatre once you got to Uppsala. The snwo was really heavy but we were travelling 100+km the whole way. I remembering getting to the garage and them rushing you in. I asked the ambulance nurse what was happening, and he said that you were going to theatre now as they were waiting for you. 'Now??' i asked. I ran after you... held your left hand and told you that i loved you, you said the same to me. Those were our last words together...
I came up to ICU. I don't know how or anything but there was a male nurse waiting for me when i got there. He had already printed some papers off the internet explaining in english what was happening to you, but i still didn't understand. I remember sitting in the shair for hours... it was twelve hours before you came out of surgery. I saw the surgeon coming towards and all i could ask 'is he alive?' He said yes and that the operation went well but that it was still very, very serious.
I don't remember who i spoke to on the telephone or anything. I would just wander into the room that you shared with two other patients and the nurse would tell me off, but i didn't care. Eventually she gave up with me.... i think she even brought me some food and saft too. This was friday. I sat talking to you, mainly about the Maldives, diving (especially turtles) and our up-coming wedding. Another nurse took over and she made me feel very nervous. She always seemed to be in a panic or something. I remember your parents were there too at that time.
You became worse. The bleeding into your brain was increasing, quickly. They rushed you down to surgery. It would be another 11.5 hours before i would see you again. I think it was lunchtime or something and the nurses encouraged me to go out for some fresh air. I went into town but soon came back as i could not cope with the masses of people there doing their sale shopping after christmas.
When you came back, the surgeon told me that things were bad and that if you made a recovery that you would be mentally and physically impaired in some way, probably significantly. They moved you to another room just you were in it and you had your own nurse. I remember sayign to her that i realised that she was not allowed to ask me at this stage but that you wanted to donate if possible, if the worst happened. She asked me what i wanted to do and i said that i wanted to sleep with you. She got me a trolley and blankets and told me to get up and it. She then lifted your arm around me, hugging me. This was the first time that i had slept since the beginning of this. I slept so well and deep. I did move around a couple of times and the nurse just told me that i could sleep as long as i wanted.
Now it was Saturday afternoon and your parents were on their way to the hospital. The nurse told me that they wanted to do some tests on you and perhaps it would be best if i waited outside. I did and the surgeon/doctor asked to speak to me in a room. I knew. He explained to me that you had no brain function and that it was only the machines that were keeping you 'alive'. He asked me if i wanted him to call your parents. I said no., since they would be driving and suggested that we wait till they got here.
I was such an awful feeling when i saw they walk through the door, knwoing that they were about to be told that their only child would never wake up again. Thankfully they were already aware of your wish to donate, so that was not a surprise. Unfortunately it took over six hours for someone to come and assess your suitability to be a donor. I sat with you the whole of the time, except for a short period when it was just your parents.
At some point i saw a female priest. I was angry at first because i knew how you felt about religion, so i told her and asked her to be there just as a supportive person, not as a priest. She obliged.
Unfortunately your organs were too damaged due the trauma that your body had been through to be used for donation. I left you once more as the nurse spoke to be about turning off your life-support. I asked the priest to keep you company as your parents had already decided that they could not cope anymore and sat in the waiting area. I asked questions, about the what would happen, the noise, any body changes etc..
I managed to persuade your parents to come in once more and see you. They left and another nurse came in. I didn't know what to expect, despite asking the questions. I just knew that i had to be there. I was surprised how quickly you became cold. The last time i touched your lips they were so cold. I remember looking at one of the nurses in some plea to fix you, to make it all better, because that it what they do, right? I managed to snuggle up to you but it felt strange and uncomfortable. They told me that they were going to take you aware and shave you. I didn't want them too. I liked you as you were but i never said it out loud.
I drove back home in the snow and slept for the very first time alone in Sweden.
Edited Mon 20 Dec 10, 7:49 PM by janiya
| 20 Dec 10, 8:13 PM MissKimberley NL, 8 yrs     |
I remember when you posted about this, and I remember reading someone's blog just after it happened. How you move on after such an event, I can't begin to imagine. I think you're very brave and have done incredibly well. Thomas would have wanted you to be happy and I'm sure every Christmas you tell yourself that too... Wishing you happy memories and much strength, thinking of you - even if only as a stranger who shared your pain only briefly and distantly. “During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act” - George Orwell |
| 20 Dec 10, 9:12 PM just_iana UK(SS), 6 yrs |
There are no words that make anything better, just a thought for you at this anniversary time. You had such love for each other, in all the years i've been on IC i'd been aware of you, an unknown bystander watching how it could be, and yet i remember reading the dreadful news, and talking to you here after, in those painful and raw times. I am still so sad for you that you lost your love this way, but also so awed by your love of him. I'm sure you dont feel it at times, probabaly right now, but you were so blessed with the time you had together, with love, iana |
| 21 Dec 10, 12:38 AM inappropriate  UK(CF), 3 yrs |
How completely tragic. My thoughts are with you, and anyone else suffering like this. It always seems so much worse at christmas time. |
