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| poutanaki |
I don't know what's wrong with me of late. Despite aching to play, aching to be hurt, I turned down a beating yesterday.
I have not played physically in months, despite also having another offer of bondage, pain and sex from an old play partner that has been wanting to play with me for months. And I'd enjoy it, boy would I enjoy it. It would take the edge off. And I would be sated in some way, for a little while at least.
Instead I seem to be withdrawing from any relief at the moment. Like maybe I want it too much, and therefore any brief brush with it would be too much. It would be too hard to feel something for a little while. Maybe play would just feel hollow, because it lacks any depth? I think I am afraid it would just make me ache more for it. Make me miss it more.
Because what I am aching for really is submission. Yeah a bit of a session would quiet down the masochistic yearning, and in some small way I would feel good about being useful and pleasing, and I'd get a little submissive thrill out of that…but it wouldn't be enough.
I stopped a recent online play interaction (with a RL friend), because it made me feel lonely all of a sudden. On reflection, I think it just highlighted this feeling. This yearning.
Fuck. I even cried tonight. And I don't really do crying.
I wish I didn't want this so much, it's hardly an endearing feature to be so needy. I think, if I stop too long to think how much dominance means to me, then it makes me ache so much that I don't feel it. I posted this on my wall earlier: “Realised tonight that what I want is to be made to feel sorry. How can someone possibly fetishise regret?”, But it's not the regret, it's the depth of feeling. It's someone having the power over me to make me feel that way. *sigh*
Gahh! Enough of this melancholy shite. Best not to think about it, and busy my head with porn and wanking and play and masochism. Concentrate on all that stuff instead of what I am missing so much.
Edited Mon 6 Dec 10, 1:57 AM by poutanaki
| 6 Dec 10, 8:27 PM poutanaki UK(M), 10 yrs |
No they don't, indeed. The short answer is, I want both. But I think mostly I want to submit, to feel controlled and to feel owned. I miss feeling submissive, I miss having someone who has that power over me. The need for pain is also there, but that can be addressed reasonably easily, I have good friends I can turn too. But I seem to be in a place where I am rejecting that release, and my blog, was just me trying to pin down my reasoning for doing that. Does that make more sense?
Your so pretty when your on your knees. Disinfected, eager to please. |
| 6 Dec 10, 10:12 PM Taintedinnocence UK(S), 6 yrs  |
Hold on for what you really want - you will get it.
Btw nothing wrong with angsting x |
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