The Effect (6)

Christmas Bloody Christmas

i'm proud of who i am & i am now able to be who i am.
my angel clouds are in my view, above the field of my yellow flowers, (my sub space).
As the truth is revealed through the gaps in the clouds, in your mind the light begins to fuel you with love, peace, and joy. Abundance follows.

Well, although I sincerely dislike the word "lifestyle", I guess I could be considdered that.

I learned that I have huge difficulties supressing my needs in a relationship. Or, more specific, that I just dont function in a vanilla relationship. It always leads to drama, cause a vanilla partner just doesnt understand, feels uncomfortable, or is unable to maintain the amount of control I feel I need.

Regarding emotional effects, the above means, some years ago, I realised that I would never, ever, engage in a vanilla relationship again. Knowing in advance that I cant do it, would be like cheating, not only towards myself, but also towards my partner.

Sociologically, I really dont feel there are any effects at all, apart from the fact that the pond you are fishing in probably is not that big. That doesnt prevent me from maintaining basically the same standards as I would have in finding a suitable and compattible vanilla partner.

Since I'm not into public play or anything like that, and since I'm not blatently obvious, there are no sociological effects there either. Also, I have a very real life, job and depending kids, etc. The only sociological effect I can think of, is the fact that a D/s takes more time than *some* vanilla relationships do.

Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash. (Harriet Rubin)

Edited 30 Nov 10, 7:02 AM by othyim

I don't know of any literature that addresses this denial in a BDSM context, though there is plenty in terms of suppressed homosexuality which, I imagine, would be similar. I can, however, give you my personal experience, as somebody who has known she was submissive since adolescence, but only recently came into the "lifestyle."

I was raised in a conservative family, and lived in a small, conservative community, and somehow never heard of BDSM. So I grew up knowing that I was different, and feeling very bad about it. Shame and guilt were the over-riding emotions. This continued throughout adulthood, and in retrospect, may have been the trigger of mild depression I experienced when I first married. Funnily enough, I've never wished I didn't feel these things or that I was different. But neither did I ever accept myself.

So, the most positive aspect of discovering the BDSM community for me has not been gratification of lifelong needs, but rather the knowledge that I am not alone; that, while who I am may be different from the population at large, it is just that - different. Not bad. Not a freak. Not a woman deserving chastisement, even from herself.

Somebody who is fully aware of the possibilities, but chooses to not act on it for some reason is in a very different position. The fact that it would be his or her choice is certainly a factor, though why he or she is making that decision would come into play. Is it for external reasons, like family or work, or for something like thinking the time is not right? If it's the former, the overriding emotions are likely to be resentment and frustration, perhaps accompanied by a dose of the afore-mentioned guilt and shame. If it's the latter those emotions would not come into play as much, because it is the person's own decision.

I'm not sure what the sociological ramifications of denial would be - I'll have to think about that. There is one thing that springs to mind though: fighting ignorance. While I don't feel we all have to be role models, I don't necessarily see BDSM as being politically correct for a long time to come. So perhaps there is a bit of personal responsibility to at least correct misinformation when one stumbles across it with the aim that, eventually, this lifestyle will come to be not just alternative, but accepted.