This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Fri 26 Nov 10, 11:27 PM destiny2010 2 yrs |
Having been reading through another thread on poly relationships, it raises some questions with me as i have been considering becoming more involved with a poly master. For me although quite new to BDSM i have never entertained the idea before as i am unable to seperate the emotional side of my submission and wonder if i could work through the insecurity and jealousy that it may stir up. I have so many very good reasons to get involved but just this one question that is making me hesitate. Has anyone else been in this place? How did you deal with it? For poly masters/mistresses how are you able to spread yourself to ensure the needs are met for each sub/slave? | |
| 26 Nov 10, 11:45 PM littlemisssubby UK(RG), 3 yrs  |
I think if you are a jealous person any kind of a poly relationships is a bad idea. there is nothing wrong with being jealous or not being able to separate emotions from submission, I just think a relationship will cause you a lot of pain. I mean how will you feel when he plays or sleeps with someone else? maybe you can learn to over come it but to be honest changing the way you truly feel is very hard if at all possible.
| |
| 26 Nov 10, 11:51 PM Grasshopper UK(SE), 2 yrs |
I originally thought I couldn't do poly because my first girlfriend was and also lived quite far away, and that caused me problems, but over time I'm coming to understand it a bit better - I'm not sure I'd call myself completely poly (slut is a much more accurate term anyway), but so long as I know and respect the other people in the poly dynamic I can tolerate and enjoy it. Basically as I am seeink it, Ray, the problem is that you are not callink your girlfriend for five months. You see, the hot babies like to feel wanted. If you are not callink them on the phone for a while, it is like a way of saying "you are worst song, played on ugliest guitar" | |
| 27 Nov 10, 12:07 AM Belasarius UK(M), 8 yrs       |
it is hard to do. Its taken years to get to where all three of us are in the least comfortable. But its worth it...
My goal - to save women from nature (Dior) | |
| 27 Nov 10, 12:47 AM Scribbles UK(RH), 4 yrs |
Lots of people who are successfully poly still have to deal with jealousy sometimes. I know very few people who are immune to it. I think you're right to mention insecurity: I think being comfortable with yourself and knowing that you would manage to cope without the person, that all relationships are, however precious, not vital to life, is a good approach. Then you have more to bring to them too 
It is easier emotionally - if not time-wise - if you have more than one partner, but if you solely want to be submissive that would mean submitting to more than one - which might be fine for you, or it might not. An alternative might be to be vanilla with one, or at least less intense. Either way, a good strong network of friends and other sources of interest, comfort and outlet. In my case it's mainly my hippy-ish religious notions and my bits of writing, and a dog | |
| 27 Nov 10, 6:54 AM Darkmoon UK, 6 yrs |
Poly is a tricky one but personally If your new and have any issues
of jealousy I would steer well clear for the time,
And only an observation but if your new at all this personally I would
be very surprised that you would need to include others in your play
only assuming that this and the relationship is all new,
surely a dynamic to be brought in at a much later date and surely
something that and I know I might get shouted down for this but a
decision made by both parties, Maybe not a very Dom attitude and I know many dom/mes think that its all about them but on this subject I truly believe its a decision to be made by both parties, Plus to finish I could think bringing in others is a personal decision but one if the relationship is all new there must be so much still to explore, | |
| 27 Nov 10, 10:29 AM spankee_1 UK(BH), 8 yrs |
It can be very tricky and is defintely not something for me, for it to work all parties have to be transparently open with each other, there has to be constant honest communication, everyone has to know where each of you are on an emotional level at all times, you have to truly know and understand what your place is within the relationship to ensure you don't carry any false hopes which could cause you to feel jealous or too expectant of the impossible, if it is open and honest then there is no reason why it can't work. | |
| 27 Nov 10, 11:00 AM mia  UK(M), 4 yrs     |
Hi I never ever thought i could 'do' poly. I have always been an extremely jealous person. Not in a psycho way, but in a way that would make me very upset and need a lot of reassurance. I wanted to feel safe and often didn't, because i was always worried they'd find someone better, or fitter, or whatever. I was also never inclined to do poly, as it seemed so alien to the way i'd ever done relationships before. Finding myself in a poly situation now, i still get bouts of unbelieveable jealousy, but they're different feelings than before. It's all out in the open now, there is no need for him to be secretive. My jealousy is sometimes played with, by him, as part of the emotional s&m we 'enjoy'. But i don't feel that when he's 'playing away' that he's doing it because he wants to leave me, he's doing it because he can and because he wants to. 'Poly' (which i still find a hard term to use, cos it feels like some secret club that i'm not a part of) has lots of great benefits. I get to spend time and have a relationship with someone else too, either as a three, or less often, as a different two, but everyone knows we're all there for him.
I think if you have someone who makes you feel special and has the power to make someone else feel special and they in turn make you feel special and they tell you that you make them feel special, then it's all, very, erm, special. x Ferris Bueller, you're my hero! | |
| 27 Nov 10, 11:15 AM littlenic 5 yrs |
One thing I'd like to add is that I'd imagine it's a very different kettle of fish depending on whether you're doing poly from a position of stability (i.e. you're living with someone and then you "go poly") or whether you're joining an existing set up as the third, fourth, whatever. It's probably easier to cope with feelings of jealousy and so on if you have a good, established relationship, if he's coming home to you, you're living your daily lives together etc., than if you're seeing him every now and again for a limited timespan. I think it's something to be aware of, and to consider when looking at people's experiences. Where you're coming from, how the set up works, and what your position is in it are all important variables in these types of relationship, I think. Edited to add: for what it's worth, I've spent time with a couple of different poly set-ups, visiting as the outsider to couples living together in established relationships. I enjoyed and got a lot out of them both! But then, I didn't sit beforehand considering how I'd cope with jealousy and insecurity, because I'm not that way inclined. I think if you're thinking about that stuff up front, it would set off warning bells to me that it might not be worth it. Just my view though. Edited 27 Nov 10, 11:17 AM by littlenic | |
| 27 Nov 10, 11:21 AM franci UK(TW), 24 mths |
I hope when my partner is ready to find his female sub/slave we will be best of friends as we'd be spending a lot of time together.
I can see there could be difficulties but I can also see when worked through there could be benefits too My partner and my sub are great friends. "Lady of the House Speaking." | |
| 27 Nov 10, 11:50 AM othyim NL, 3 yrs |
I've done it.
And decided its not for me. Most people mention jealousy or insecurity as a problem. Those were not the issues for me. The thing is, when I'm in a relationship, I care. I have a connection, I feel responsible. I cant do relationships without that. When I care, I want to fix things, make sure the ones I love are as happy as can be. So, what happened, was that I sort of took on the mother role (or the older sister?) towards the girl. Trying to protect her, regularly putting her needs before mine. Yep, there was a major age difference between us. And cause of the fact that I did in fact love her and wanted her to feel loved, I actually was condascending, and took the lead (at least towards her). Rather my lack of insecurity showing, than the opposite. I'm already a mom in real life, and have major responsabilities workwise. I learned that I dont want the responsibility for a third person in my relationship too. I want (um need?) the opposite. Poly has very many shapes and formes. It can be that the Dom has a relationship with two subs, that dont have a relationship with eachother. It can be that they have, and they are equals amongst eachother. It can be that one is the Alpha sub. In this case, I definately was the Alpha/Mommy/older sister. The feeling was enhanced by me topping here too sometimes. So for me, the problem in poly, is that the equal part, or what sometimes (quite fluffy) is referred to as "sister slaves", is almost impossible to maintain, probably cause I do care indeed. At this point in my life, I have enough emotional responsabilities as it is...
Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash. (Harriet Rubin) Edited 27 Nov 10, 12:25 PM by othyim |
