This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| Fri 19 Nov 10, 8:08 PM snowing UK, 18 mths |
Hi new here and in need of some pointers and advice. I am 25 and I was brought up in an ordinary family, never hit by my parents. I have a daughter who is six. I never saw myself as a submissive and until recently the idea of being in some sort of abusive relationship has never entered my mind, in fact the opposite, I have imagined that if any one hit me I would never see them again.. A couple of years ago my friend entered into a relationship with a really good looking guy, who is charming, funny and considerate. Yet soon my friend complained he was being abusive and would be fying off the handle for no reason. He treated her like crap, swearing at her, ignoring her. I witnessed his temper while on holiday together. I watched through a glass door as he, for some reason, poured a cup of coffee over her then dragged her by the hair to the floor and punched her, I interrupted them I should have be appalled but instead as I watched their relationship I find the idea of being in such a relationship exciting A few months ago after being beaten up, my friend left this guy and has gone back to America Now we have a couple of dates, he has treated me like a princess, but but but Everyone tells me I am being mad in seeing him, that I can not take my daughter into such an environment, my parents are going nuts. So how do I deal with this
Edited Fri 19 Nov 10, 8:11 PM by snowing | |
| 19 Nov 10, 8:16 PM The_Houri UK(M), 18 mths  |
For some reason you seem to be confusing a relationship involving the consensual infliction of pain, with an abusive domestically violent relationship. They are worlds apart, and your friends and family are entirely correct in being concerned about your and your daughter's well-being.
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| 19 Nov 10, 8:20 PM MissAlice_Harte UK(WN), 23 mths  |
wow that is not BDSM it is pure abuse. The two really are worlds apart. 'A mediocre Master tells, a good Master teaches, an excellent Master explains, but a true Master inspires'' | |
| 19 Nov 10, 8:23 PM MissAnnThropist UK(SE), 3 yrs    |
Hi, welcome to IC I couldn't read your post and not respond as it brought such an urge to react out of me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being submissive - I too identify as submissive. However the scenario you described about your friend and the way the ex (whom I understand you are now seeing? - was most defnitely NOT what would be considered to be BDSM or kink for one vital reason: Consent Given how you described how your friend saw the relationship as abusive, she clearly did not consent to being hurt in any way. You must not confuse being submissive with being abused. Even if you actually are attracted to this guy, it sounds like he inflicted violence in anger or if she disagreed with him. Granted there are those who practice more extreme versions of BDSM where they may well give blanket consent to have anything done to them: there is still a difference between that and what you described about your friend. We can only go by the information you've posted, but I feel that it is very dangerous territory to get involved with someone you know has a history of being violent to women (in a non-consentual manner). Please seriously consider what you and potentially your child are being let in for. This is not what BDSM is about at all. Edited for dire grammar "Love is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark & Disney, homegenised, then sold off piece by piece." L Simpson Edited 19 Nov 10, 11:37 PM by MissAnnThropist | |
| 19 Nov 10, 8:28 PM chastityslaveFE 2 yrs |
The BDSM scene is based on SSC - safe, sane and consensual. Your relationship is with a man who appears to be none of these. This has nothing to do with domination or submission, you are simply giving an abuser the green light to continue. Yiou are correct that you are not submissive, since submission is based on trust, respect and mutual enjoyment of a willing and negotiated power exchange. I'm sorry to sound so curt but it angers me that anyone would think that BDSM and abusive relationships are the same thing - they are nothing alike. I'm really not sure why you are attracted to domestic violence but it strikes me as a psychological issue that you need to get some help for before you end up in a dangerous, uncontrolled and vulnerable situation. I would give you the same advice I would give anyone - get out now, while you can. If not for yourself, then do it for your daughter. chastity xxx | |
| 19 Nov 10, 8:29 PM Ama_Sidero UK(GU), 7 yrs      |
Agreed with the above. You could argue that you are consenting, whereas your friend was not. However, it is also about HIS perception of it. Consent in a bdsm relationship means that *HE* will stop if consent is not given. From what you have described, he won't. It is a TWO WAY consentual agreement. If he doesn't abide by respecting consent, it won't be safe. Why do you think he wouldn't hit your child? Life is not measured by the breaths we take. but by the moments that take our breath. | |
| 19 Nov 10, 8:29 PM inappropriate  UK(CF), 3 yrs |
If you find the idea of a kink based relationship attractive, why don't you go along to a munch and meet some like-minded people. I'm not saying that you'll be able to pick someone up there, but you never know. As other people have said, his previous relationship did not seem to you to be based upon consent. As such, it is possible that the idea of a consensual BDSM relationship would not be attractive to him. | |
| 19 Nov 10, 8:30 PM chartreuse UK(BA), 6 yrs |
OMG!!! There is a world of difference between being in a D/s relationship, where the violence is formally consensual and... being with someone who doesn't know how to control themselves and their violent outbursts! I'm sure your "friend" would be horrified to hear that you have stepped into where she fled from. If your relationship, with the male you're seeing, is open, honest and based on (two-way) consensual activities/beatings, then I hope it goes well for you but if it isn't... be VERY wary. *Btw... just because you like being beaten/hurt doesn't mean he understands it and... he should.* Edited to add the bit in (brackets). Further edited to add - Your friends and family are probably right about him, you may not want to admit it but... you're likely to find out they were right when it's gone too far and it could be your child who suffers (even if you are the one who has been physically damaged). Your child won't want to see their mummy in a state because of what some nasty man did to her! I suggest you find someone who CAN control themselves when angry, someone who understands D/s and all that it involves. Edited 19 Nov 10, 8:46 PM by chartreuse | |
| 19 Nov 10, 8:31 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
If anyone accepts hot coffee poured over them they need help and they should be kicking him hard between the legs. I am very very submissive and always have been and have never in my life been in a relationship without consensual spanking etc but what you describe of your friend is not what I think is acceptable. if you want him in charge and kinky sexy from him and consensual spanking and hair pulling etc which is all pretty wonderful talk to him about it. In other words if you agree it rather than it's something that comes out when he loses his temper then it's fine. If instead he is pretending to be lovely now but in all relatioships he has had once he has hooked you in he abuses you a bad way not a consensual sexual way then you should steer clear of him. Just talk to him about it all. That's what most relationships need much more of - good deep adult conversation about how people feel and what they each need. | |
| 19 Nov 10, 8:36 PM Richtea UK(BN), 2 yrs  |
I think the only way is by not seeing him again. I know that sounds harsh, but for all the reasons already given by other people replying here, I really think you should steer well clear of him.
I may be in the gutter, but I'm looking up at the bars | |
| 19 Nov 10, 8:48 PM Ianneil UK(N), 5 yrs |
I assume you are over 16, not suffering from any mental defect. You are fully aware what this man is capable of. Do you have some feeling that you can control him, turn his violence off and on like a tap? Are you fascinated by him and his violence or just the violence? What would you do if he was perfectly behaved to you and never hit you? Is it the fascination of the forbidden taboo?? Are you here looking for permission or approval to go with this fellow? Just a few ideas to bounce around in your head.
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