Making a vanilla contact a BDSM friend (16)

I have been very successful in the last few years in repressing both my sexuality and submissive side. I intellectually reconnect to this part of myself by reading information on this site and very interesing posts on a variety of BDSM topics.

A man, an undoubtedly self-confident and virile man, has presented himself in my vanilla world and has enflamed subbie embers that have been smouldering for a very long time. I do not actively seek out BDSM partners or even chat along those lines because that is just not what I am seeking. I don't even attempt to dress sensually because I haven't been ready to allow myself the pleasures that would follow in expressing my truly passionate nature.

An agonizing divorce will be final next week and spending less time with my small children is probably going to be inevitable when the ex gets nearly equal time with our children since they are "theoretically" resilient enough to handle bouncing from one household to another. At any rate I will probably have much more time to myself than I have in the last few years that are not child-focused.

The convergence of many things could be stirring up emotions that may not have anything to do with this MAN that has begun to fill my mind. I was NOT looking for this to happen and since I have not met him through BDSM channels. I do not know how best to approach him, where there is not even an established friendship. Not only am I not used to being attracted to someone in the usual manner I am very disconcerted (and titillated) by the mere contemplation and hope that he is indeed a Dominant.

I have always heard that "the Dominant chooses the sub" but I also know how difficult it can be find suitable partners that are even in the same region or country. He is my age, not married, and simply...understatedly self-assured and confident. And that is making me weak at the knees.

What are your suggestions for proceeding? For testing the waters? BEGINNING that alt conversation? *sigh*

Thank you for the reminder of my vulnerability. I hadn't realized that was also a factor in this situation, though I should have. I was just considering the awkwardness of the situation and the fear of rejection. Great advice and warmly appreciated.

And count your blessings you might have your children cared for some of the time by their father. Some of us have the pleasure (and most of the time it is a pleasure) of our children 365 nights a year which does not make things quite so easy.

well said Contessa, very wise words indeed!

You've indicated you're tentative- I would add that sometimes life events hurls us into action with a sense of urgency to surf the pounding waves when the best course of action might be to slow down and coast just a bit until things are calmer and clearer. Perhaps you can start cultivating a friendship with this man first. IMHO, great BDSM relationships are ultimately based in the same qualities found in good friendships, so in fostering friendship first with him you can hardly go wrong!

As for the Dominant picking the sub...that's an illusion perhaps perpetuated by uberDoms. It's a two way street, with both hopefully feeling lucky to have found and picked each other!

You should be wary that even if he is into BDSM, his vanilla qualities might not translate into a BDSM role. It's just as likely that he'd be submissive; vanilla traits don't automatically mean that a person is dominant.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars." - Oscar Wilde
"You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing." - Sir Arnold Bax

I totally agree with Relaxed. It's not written on one's forehead what they are, the sexual construct of someone is often a complex mick-mack of layers, so the image they carry around socially can easily be misleading.

I like being me it pisses off all the right people. I am a bloody rude aggressive person.

Um, for what it is worth, I stronly feel the opposite is the case.

[quote} What are your suggestions for proceeding? For testing the waters? BEGINNING that alt conversation? *sigh* [/quote]

Apart from the statements made by Intemporelle and Relaxed, which present a very real possibility, I would proceed with utter caution, like Contessa said.

Try to adress the subject through another one; for example casually mention books and films and maybe paintings or photography you like, mention philosophers you like, stuff like that. See how he reacts to that, if he reacts at all or takes the bite, and progress from there on.

Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash. (Harriet Rubin)

Um, for what it is worth, I strongly feel the opposite is the case.

Apart from the statements made by Intemporelle and Relaxed, which present a very real possibility, I would proceed with utter caution, like Contessa said.

Try to adress the subject through another one; for example casually mention books and films and maybe paintings or photography you like, mention philosophers you like, stuff like that, in a still *vanilla* acceptable way.

Observe how he reacts to that, if he reacts at all, or takes the bite, and progress from there on.

Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash. (Harriet Rubin)

Edited 18 Nov 10, 10:08 PM by othyim