Becoming (more) Dominant (14)

I currently have a sub who is not the easiest person to dominate. But to be perfectly honest, that's one of the things that attracts me to him. He needs to learn how to be more considerate and to put my needs first and I need to learn how to speak my will in a clear and straightforward manner. Some people might see this as a horrible match, but in a way it's perfect. If I can train him, then I can take on the world.

What I'm wondering is, does anyone have any advice on how to become more confident in one's dominance without turning into an unhearing ass? It's a difficult balance. I actually thought of this because of the rites of passage thread. I recently experienced something that was more of a 'milestone' than a rite of passage: we were having a bit of a disagreement and I put my foot down and said that in this circumstance I knew what was best and he needed to trust me on that and he listened to me. It felt really positive. Any advice on how to make more of these moments happen?

General submissive training resources that you've found to be particularly helpful would also be appreciated.

There comes a point when our true selves just have to come out, and the expression " bend over and shut the fuck up" kinda gives the game away.

Roll with it x

Ever wondered who the devil comes to for ideas ?

There's a difference between denying and being dishonest and working to affect positive change in oneself. I am an individual with strong opinions and preferences, but I want to work on becoming more assertive in my expression of them without losing my ability to understand both sides of any issue. In the bedroom there is no problem. I say what I want and I get what I want. But outside of the bedroom I sometimes get lost in the situation and what my sub would be happier with. The old mediator comes out. There is a time and a place for compromise, but how do I get better at identifying when it ISN'T a time for compromise more quickly? Does that make any sense?

The only way to do this (IMO) is privately, and intuitively. The moment you actualy ask a sub what they want, you've lost the plot.

You need to be one step ahead at all times, or you lose the lead.

First up - know your sub better than they know themselves

Second up - know yourself

Third bit is easy - combine the two

Ever wondered who the devil comes to for ideas ?

If you don't - hey, who cares. Better to feel confident in what you're doing than feeling insecure in doing something you're not ready yet.

------ I'd rather be poor and creative than rich and boring (Patrick Wolf)

Edited 14 Nov 10, 8:46 AM by Sinmara

This has invoked all sorts of thoughts, for me... I'm not sure that what I'm about to write is going to come out in the way I'd like it to but these are some of my initial thoughts, in response to the above.

Why should you be the one to make the compromises? If you have asked your sub to perform a task, knowing it to be a reasonable one and... one that you want them to carry out... isn't it their role to do so? I think the key is knowing, when you ask something of your sub, that what you ask of them is not unreasonable... if you were the submissive and would be prepared to do it, you're not asking too much, are you?

If you decide to make a compromise it should be because you feel that what you have asked is more than can be expected, it's your decision based upon your own perceptions and you have to trust in yourself to make the right ones. If your sub questions what you have asked, don't give in just because you have been questioned... discuss it (if you want to), reinforce your reasoning behind what has been asked and tell your sub to do it or suffer the consequences.

If the task is important to you, there should be no compromises, you have said what you want and you should expect to get it, if you start making compromises (to please your submissive) doesn't that reverse the roles?

In pleasing you... your sub gains their pleasure, they may find your inability to "stick to your guns" a way in which to manipulate you but... nothing should be set in stone, if it's going to ruin a relationship you wish to advance/maintain.

Good luck, I hope you learn to trust your judgement and believe that what you ask means that no compromise is required.

@The_Problem_Page

I doubt that many people are D or S 24/7. I think I would die of mental exhaustion from the responsibility if I tried that. It sounds far too intense for me. You said it works in the bedroom, so you've got it right in the most important place. Why are you so worried about the rest of life. If you eventually get him to the 24/7 state you may find its too much for him and so he will drift away. You are risking overplaying your hand I think.

Never drive faster than your angels can fly

Is the bedroom the most important place?

For a good relationship to flourish, everywhere is an important place... not everyone only wants bedroom D/s.

@The_Problem_Page

Edited 14 Nov 10, 10:28 AM by chartreuse

Yeah, I think in the end I just need to get more in touch with myself. I need to be able to more quickly recognize what it is that I want. When I don't I end up confusing him and that's where some of the conflict comes from. I'm used to what I want being wrapped up in what other people want too and I don't want it to be that way. I'm starting to make progress with it, but I think it's not a quick process.

^^^ agree with this. Being D/s 24/7 doesn't mean the D is barking instructions every minute of every day, or the s is kneeling naked every minute of everyday. It is simply that for some of us, we like the relationship to have a constant D/s "undercurrent", where there is always the feeling between the two that with a look or a word, the dominance, control and submission are increased. Apologies if i am not explaining this very well For me D/s which is limited to the bedroom feels like playing, which is not my thing. To each their own of course, you need to find what works for the two partners in the relationship!

Keep it kinky!
xx